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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH went to his hobby

78 replies

Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:16

Help me work out if I'm being a grumpy hormonal arse or if I'm right to be pissed.

Every Tuesday DD6 goes to a sports club after school. DH normally picks her up from school and drives her 30 minutes to the club, stays there for the 75 min club then comes back home. I work from home until 5 on a Tuesday and then go to pick up our youngest from Nursery.

After dropping DD home, DH goes to a sports hobby (think running club, crossfit etc. Not a group sport).

Today DH called at around half 1 to say that he was massively caught up at work and he needed me to take DD to her club. I told him this was literally the worst day this could happen as I was already drowning in work and was going to have to work late into the evening even without taking DD to her club to get on track. Sent lots of screaming emojis, then ran to pick DS up from Nursery before school run because the club would end after the Nursery closed for the day.

Grabbed DD from school, entertained DS during the club and raced home.

By the time we got home, DH has left for his club. He won't be home now until around 10.30pm.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have gone to his club tonight?! That he should have packed it in for one night, taken over the childcare duties and let me crack on with my work. That I sacrificed my time/work to help him out (#teamwork) but that I've not received the tiniest bit of help back??

To pre-empt some questions

  • I'm not wasting time on mumsnet instead of working, I'm sat in toddlers bedroom while he falls asleep.
  • yes in the grand scheme of things DD could have missed her club but it's a group sport, she's getting really good and she's made a commitment to attend.
  • I don't have to be logged in at specific times/active etc. Just have to get my work done whenever and however that works, and there's no slacking off because it's a lot of work to get done. So there will be no consequences for taking her to the club for me, just the loss of 3.5 hours of work time.
  • he absolutely knows how swamped I am with work today, I made that crystal clear both in text and over the phone that today could not be a worse day for this.
OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 21:17

OverpricedCupcake · 01/04/2025 21:16

YABU for not naming the hobby.

If we're really that desperate it's Olympic style bouldering!

OP posts:
GravyBoatWars · 01/04/2025 21:19

Is this about tonight or are you focusing a deeper resentment onto this surface-level scheduling incident?

If DH or I had needed to call the other for last-minute coverage of a DC activity/task I would assume that the rest of our schedule was staying the same except for what we discussed changing. We'd specifically plan a time to make up any missed work hours later in the day (if truly urgent) or week - I wouldn't expect DH to do that from home over dinner/bedtime hour and he wouldn't expect that of me unless there wasn't another option to make up the hours and we had discussed it.

But one of the keys to this working is that we both offer each other as much flexibility as possible and don't assume that our own work is more important. We also both have regular hobby/individual social time so it doesn't feel like one person gets all the freedom. It sounds like perhaps that isn't the case in your relationship and that's what is driving your reaction; when we're unhappy about underlying patterns or attitudes we tend to respond to individual incidents in ways that seem unreasonable/overreactive/rigid on the surface.

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2025 21:22

Have a word to him when he gets back because this is not ok. You do not stress yourself out working late so he can go to his hobby. Say you’re less likely to help him out in the future knowing how selfish he can be- when did he last work really late because he’s got so much on and he’s taken over your parenting so you can do a hobby?
my dh did just about this exact thing to me once. I was very angry and told him! I’d been too busy at work to exercise all week so having me covering parenting for him to fit in his exercise and add to my work stress was extremely selfish of him. Is there something extra he can do tomorrow night for you to widn down a bit or complete your work? You do not care if it isn’t convenient for him or if he has to leave work early- say sweetly well maybe you just have to work at home till midnight. I know what it’s like doing that to facilitate your partner relaxing.

angelinawasrobbed · 01/04/2025 21:25

You’re sure he came home and went out again - isn’t still at work?

GreyAreas · 01/04/2025 21:26

You need to spell out the quid pro quo. Another time, take a beat, think about what you need from him in order to pick up his crisis.

gamerchick · 01/04/2025 21:32

You need to spell it out I think. The chances of him lying about work to spend more time on the gym are higher than you think.

Tell him, if he calls out like that again and drops you in it, he has to stay home that night and take over. I'd hazard a guess it won't happen again.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/04/2025 21:36

"and he said "we'll sort something out hun, it'll be fine". Well dear reader... it was not fine!!"

To say that, then piss off to his hobby without "sorting something", was really shitty of him.

mermaidmuscles · 01/04/2025 22:04

I was so convinced the hobby was hyrox 😅. Hopefully a lack of thought on his part, but also that is probably the type of hobby that's a bit of an obsession (that why i was thinking hyrox) so he believes he can't possibly miss it.
Hopefully one good conversation will sort this, but also in future you'll double check that if u take on his jobs he needs to then make some sacrifices also so ypu can catch up.

PullTheBricksDown · 01/04/2025 22:14

LividSunshine · 01/04/2025 20:34

I think he is a dick BUT you needed to say a simple no to the original message.

You told him it was massively inconvenient but did it anyway. He hasn't been massively inconvenienced, has he? So you need to think of something he can do in the next day or two to get you some time back as an apology. But next time, just say no.

Agreed. Get into the headspace of prioritising your job. The number of posts I've seen on here where the man earns more, even if only a bit, where people say 'he's the breadwinner, you're dependent on him, you have to take the hit.' Much rarer to see it the other way round. So if this happens again, say sorry you're swamped yourself and you can't get away.

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 22:30

I've done an hour and I'm coming apart at the seams, just worked myself into a total overwhelm with the amount that I can't prioritise clearly anymore. Will have to look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Totally get where people are coming from with the spelling it out specifically but I'll be honest it's just giving me the major ick. Like an 80s mum standing at the door saying "no Johnny can't come out to play tonight he's not finished his homework". I get that he's not a mind reader but I can't stand having to mother men!!

I know, I know, it's effective communication and "using your words". But I just expected a little more thoughtfulness and a little bit more adulting. That if he says, "don't worry we'll sort something out", that something does actually need to be sorted out.

OP posts:
ScaryM0nster · 01/04/2025 22:34

I’m with you, incompetence rather than malice.

The whole ‘yes, I can leave early but I’ll need to catch stuff up later so need you home to cover it’ feels obvious to me but not to husband. His work is much more now or sometime in the next fortnight rather than ‘before tomorrow’ which is what mine tends to be.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/04/2025 22:44

I agree with you, he should have realized without being told but I guess next time you'd have to say "okay, I will take DD to sports but please be home as soon as you finish instead of going to CrossFit so that you can put the children to bed, I've got 3 more hours to work" it's not fair that his issue only inconvenienced you.

CoffeeTable22 · 01/04/2025 22:44

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 20:48

Honestly I just done get this style of communication. “He should have just known it would be hard for me to work”? Just say what you mean and what you want. It’s your husband now some random coworker you’re trying to play nice with.
How hard is it to just be like “that doesn’t work tonight, it was your night to pick up and I’m swamped with work so I can’t pick up at the last minute” or “I can stop work and collect now if you can come home and take over by X time”. What have you achieved with all the vagueness other than resentment?

Yes you're right, and it isn't hard to verbalise what you want, however sometimes it would be lovely if we didn't have to spell things out, and they actually used their brains a bit.

It's like when our DD needs to go for a bath, it's getting late, I'm clearing up after dinner and DH is sat on his phone. It would be nice if I didn't have to say 'please can you go and sort DD while I clean up', and he actually looks at the clock and realises it's getting late, and goes and sorts it without me spelling it out.
It's very annoying.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2025 22:57

Dont talk to him tonight - you're too overwhelmed.

Have a discussion tomorrow night and say to him vey clearly that if he asks you to change plans last minute for his convenience then that automatically means all plans for the rest of the evening change so that you both have time to do the things that take priority ie work and that you should not have to spell that out to him. I'd also let him know how upset you are that he doesn't seem to consider your needs at all.

gillefc82 · 01/04/2025 23:01

Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 22:30

I've done an hour and I'm coming apart at the seams, just worked myself into a total overwhelm with the amount that I can't prioritise clearly anymore. Will have to look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Totally get where people are coming from with the spelling it out specifically but I'll be honest it's just giving me the major ick. Like an 80s mum standing at the door saying "no Johnny can't come out to play tonight he's not finished his homework". I get that he's not a mind reader but I can't stand having to mother men!!

I know, I know, it's effective communication and "using your words". But I just expected a little more thoughtfulness and a little bit more adulting. That if he says, "don't worry we'll sort something out", that something does actually need to be sorted out.

I totally get it. The number of times I’d comment that “the bin bag is looking quite full” or “the bin is starting to get a little smelly”, expecting DH to understand that meant “you need to empty the bloody bin!” and 2 days later, it would still be there, full and smelly. I’d either end up doing it myself and seethe with resentment or we’d have a row when I inevitably moaned about it still not being done after me asking, whilst he was insisting in a perplexed manner that I’d never asked in the first place and that’s all I needed to do.

I learned that there are many jobs DH just won’t independently realise need doing unless I explicitly ask him to. “DH, can you empty the kitchen bin please and put a new bin bag in?” And yes, I do need to ask him to put a new bag to replace the one taken out as otherwise the bin will be empty and I’ll be left to do it!

I often call him Arthur, as in ‘half a’ job. It’s incredibly frustrating at times so you have my sympathy and solidarity, but thankfully he has enough positives to compensate, so I’m prepared to live with having to provide step by step instructions to any requests.

On a different note, in terms of helping you get through your workload, you may find it useful to look into techniques like the Pomodoro technique and the Eisenhower method (also known as the 4Ds approach) to help with focus and prioritisation of tasks.

Boligrafo · 01/04/2025 23:03

ObliviousCoalmine · 01/04/2025 21:09

Jesus Christ I hate this “hobby, think running”. It’s either running or it’s not. Unless he’s training to climb Everest wearing a cloak of lobsters and everyone will recognise him from the news, just say it’s bloody Hyrox or spinning or swimming.

This is filling with with questions about whether the lobsters get to use oxygen.

Trovindia · 01/04/2025 23:29

gillefc82 · 01/04/2025 23:01

I totally get it. The number of times I’d comment that “the bin bag is looking quite full” or “the bin is starting to get a little smelly”, expecting DH to understand that meant “you need to empty the bloody bin!” and 2 days later, it would still be there, full and smelly. I’d either end up doing it myself and seethe with resentment or we’d have a row when I inevitably moaned about it still not being done after me asking, whilst he was insisting in a perplexed manner that I’d never asked in the first place and that’s all I needed to do.

I learned that there are many jobs DH just won’t independently realise need doing unless I explicitly ask him to. “DH, can you empty the kitchen bin please and put a new bin bag in?” And yes, I do need to ask him to put a new bag to replace the one taken out as otherwise the bin will be empty and I’ll be left to do it!

I often call him Arthur, as in ‘half a’ job. It’s incredibly frustrating at times so you have my sympathy and solidarity, but thankfully he has enough positives to compensate, so I’m prepared to live with having to provide step by step instructions to any requests.

On a different note, in terms of helping you get through your workload, you may find it useful to look into techniques like the Pomodoro technique and the Eisenhower method (also known as the 4Ds approach) to help with focus and prioritisation of tasks.

Show quote history

I have a half a jobber too and it's infuriating

Mumof3confused · 02/04/2025 00:39

@gillefc82 op has not expressed any issue or concern with her time management or task
prioritisation. She’s been left to work late due to being dropped in it by her H, and is now feeling angry, taken for granted, exhausted and run ragged. She doesn’t need the Pomodoro technique, she needs a proper partner who doesn’t think they can drop their share of family life without picking up the slack somewhere else.

Op, I absolutely agree that you should not have to mother your own husband. What a turn-off.

Imagine if this was the other way round and people were recommending a man just ‘instructs’ the wife better, for example to replace the binliner after taking out the rubbish, because bless her she simply can’t think for herself.

gillefc82 · 02/04/2025 00:48

Mumof3confused · 02/04/2025 00:39

@gillefc82 op has not expressed any issue or concern with her time management or task
prioritisation. She’s been left to work late due to being dropped in it by her H, and is now feeling angry, taken for granted, exhausted and run ragged. She doesn’t need the Pomodoro technique, she needs a proper partner who doesn’t think they can drop their share of family life without picking up the slack somewhere else.

Op, I absolutely agree that you should not have to mother your own husband. What a turn-off.

Imagine if this was the other way round and people were recommending a man just ‘instructs’ the wife better, for example to replace the binliner after taking out the rubbish, because bless her she simply can’t think for herself.

As per OP’s message at 22:30 “I've done an hour and I'm coming apart at the seams, just worked myself into a total overwhelm with the amount that I can't prioritise clearly anymore. Will have to look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow.” I was simply suggesting some helpful techniques I’ve used successfully in the past which have worked for me to quickly and effectively prioritise my workload and to help me focus on task completion in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling burnout.

To be clear, I’m not blaming OP for tonight’s situation but rather than just sympathising about dealing with useless men, I thought it may be helpful for some practical tips for when she picks her work back up in the morning.

Cucy · 02/04/2025 05:23

You shouldn’t need to spell it out and so I completely get your frustration.

I do think as it’s part of his normal routine it probably wasn’t done maliciously but I would be annoyed that the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.

You definitely need to sit down and talk about it and tell him how disappointed you are that he didn’t come straight home or ask if you wanted him to come straight home.

Ponderingwindow · 02/04/2025 05:41

Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 21:11

Yeah on a normal Tuesday I do dinner and bed on my own and one night a week (later in the week) he has to do bed on his own as I go to a class.

If I'd been able to work those 3.5 hours this afternoon then I would have been OK with him still going as I'd managed out my time to be able to get it done this afternoon plus maybe 2 hours after bedtime tonight. But now it's 5.5 hours after bedtime.

So no there was no conversation about him not going except for panicky phonecall when he asked me to do pickup and I said how much work that would leave me this evening and he said "we'll sort something out hun, it'll be fine". Well dear reader... it was not fine!!

Show quote history

This right here is the exchange where you told him you would need to work this evening and he acknowledges that “we” would need to figure out how that could happen.

don’t let him try to pretend you weren’t explicit. He knew you needed time to work in the evening. He knew the only way you could work is if he was the point person for the children once you got back from running them around.

he could have gone above and beyond and sorted out dinner, but the bare minimum would have been being home to child wrangle so you could start working immediately.

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 05:47

Unhelpful, I’m sure, but your kids go to bed very late!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/04/2025 06:02

Sometimes men push it, thinking they can get away with more. Depends on how they were brought up and what they saw as their norm. My marriage has been a gentle but firm retraining programme for my husband. He’s doing well these days. Took a while. Never worth a fall out though. You can be firm but kind. Keep the energy nice in the home for the kids. Always best. I use humour a lot. Works better than most things I’ve tried. Hope you’re feeling better. Bedtimes are exhausting with little ones. I remember them
well.

Notsosure1 · 02/04/2025 06:53

Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:28

Yes I only work from home on a Tuesday and on site all the rest of the time. I work for an employer whereas he is self employed.

However I definitely think there's an undercurrent of his being the "important" job running through our lives despite our take home being almost identical (I earn just slightly more).

Show quote history

However I definitely think there's an undercurrent of his being the "important" job running through our lives despite our take home being almost identical (I earn just slightly more).

Why on earth does he think his job is more important then? If he’s self employed isn’t he the one who could be a bit more flexible? How does it run through your lives?

BusyMum47 · 02/04/2025 07:01

@Puttingchildrenfirst

He can't help his job being busy any more than you can & on this occasion, although massively inconvenient, you were best placed to be able to leave your work & do the school/club run etc.

However, he should then definitely have sacrificed his hobby night in order to deal with the kids & allow you to re-claim some of your working time. For that, he's been a selfish twat.

What did he say when you asked him why the hell he'd buggered off out, after saying, "we'll sort something out" & knowing how up against it you were? There was no 'we' during the kids' bedtime was there?