To be annoyed DH went to his hobby

[Puttingchildrenfirst]

Help me work out if I'm being a grumpy hormonal arse or if I'm right to be pissed.

Every Tuesday DD6 goes to a sports club after school. DH normally picks her up from school and drives her 30 minutes to the club, stays there for the 75 min club then comes back home. I work from home until 5 on a Tuesday and then go to pick up our youngest from Nursery.

After dropping DD home, DH goes to a sports hobby (think running club, crossfit etc. Not a group sport).

Today DH called at around half 1 to say that he was massively caught up at work and he needed me to take DD to her club. I told him this was literally the worst day this could happen as I was already drowning in work and was going to have to work late into the evening even without taking DD to her club to get on track. Sent lots of screaming emojis, then ran to pick DS up from Nursery before school run because the club would end after the Nursery closed for the day.

Grabbed DD from school, entertained DS during the club and raced home.

By the time we got home, DH has left for his club. He won't be home now until around 10.30pm.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have gone to his club tonight?! That he should have packed it in for one night, taken over the childcare duties and let me crack on with my work. That I sacrificed my time/work to help him out (#teamwork) but that I've not received the tiniest bit of help back??

To pre-empt some questions

• I'm not wasting time on mumsnet instead of working, I'm sat in toddlers bedroom while he falls asleep.
• yes in the grand scheme of things DD could have missed her club but it's a group sport, she's getting really good and she's made a commitment to attend.
• I don't have to be logged in at specific times/active etc. Just have to get my work done whenever and however that works, and there's no slacking off because it's a lot of work to get done. So there will be no consequences for taking her to the club for me, just the loss of 3.5 hours of work time.
• he absolutely knows how swamped I am with work today, I made that crystal clear both in text and over the phone that today could not be a worse day for this.

Totally get where people are coming from with the spelling it out specifically but I'll be honest it's just giving me the major ick. Like an 80s mum standing at the door saying "no Johnny can't come out to play tonight he's not finished his homework". I get that he's not a mind reader but I can't stand having to mother men!

It’s not mothering men to be explicit about an agreement. It’s not clear that your DH asking you to pick up the kids instead of him means he then needs to change his schedule for later in the evening. You need to discuss it and work out what suits each time.

I clicked YABU because you should have just either said -

I am too busy at work to alter our arrangements so if you can’t manage your commitments you will need to sort out an alternative arrangement that doesn’t involve me.

or

Yes, I can pick DD up and take her to her club as long as when I get back from that you take over the meal and bedtime routine so that I can finish my work.

In each case, no more than one complete sentence was needed!

I think he/many people would have been thinking of the 2 commitments as separate.

If it happens again I'd be sure to say "fine, but you need to be there to tag in when we get back so I can start work again".

Or leave him to collect child from nursery while you're at club (you indicated that it closed during the activity so he may have been there in time?) and you work during sports club.

Agreed.

I think you are right, OP - but next time make it clear that you will need to work through DC's bedtime to make up for lost time and DH will need to miss his hobby.

My DH always thought his job was more important too, and he’s never done 50:50 with the house and kids.

I hope he is doing all the morning shift so you can get to work and catch up. I would also be tempted to bundle him and the dc out of the house for three hours on Saturday morning to have a relaxing bath and watch a movie catch up with the work you have missed. My work is massively more flexible than dh's so I end up doing most of the running around with my dc. Some weeks that means that I am not then available at other times to do other things.

He needs to learn that your work and time is not elastic when you have to give at one point it takes away at a different point. Be clear about that today/ over the weekend and be clear about that going forward because until he came home from climbing with his lobsters he was probably congratulating himself on how much less stressful his Tuesday was without taking dd to her sport.

I don’t think you should have to spell it out, he should be able to think about needs other than his own without you having to manage it for him - it’s still giving you the mental load of having to deal with it all.

if it had been the other way round - you said to him that you were too busy at work to pick up your child from nursery, and had just dumped that on him, would he have done it?

It was a lie, what he said. ‘We will sort it’ . I’d say you told me we will sort it last night but that was a lie. You meant that you’re going to look after yourself and I’m on my own carrying your load and mine. Noted for future events, I won’t be flexing and massively adding stress to my day night and next day so you can get out of parenting and go rock climbing. That was bloody rude and disrespectful of you, I trusted we were a team but we are not and you need to earn that trust back.

Why should she have to be the one to explain to him how family life works? He should be thinking of all the other parts that need to move to accommodate his request when asking for it, not expecting it all to be sorted out for him.

It’s not explaining to him ‘How family life works’ or getting it all ‘sorted out for him’. It’s responding to his request with a choice of two factual statements that set her position out clearly and which he can then respond to.

I know that the notion of married couples communicating clearly is not popular on here, where some posters prefer a blend of mind-reading and passive aggressive sniping, but perhaps the OP could give it a try nonetheless.

but she did communicate, she told him she wouldn’t be able to get her work done and he said he would sort it. Then didn’t, and didn’t even check in with her before swanning off. She shouldn’t have to tell him how.

Absolutely this.

I feel so sorry for you OP.
You have your proof of exactly who you married.
A shit husband and shit father, whom when you are stuck, will bugger off and leave you too it.

Completely unacceptable.
I would give him the quiet riot act at a level he would never forget.

Women divorce selfish wasters like your husband and they never regret it.

I too would have the Ick and I would tell him too.
NOTHING more unattractive than knowing you are with a selfish prick who couldn't give a damn how you manage when the chips are down.

He doesn't have your back one bit and now you know.
He needs to feel the consequences.
As for having to spell out how he should have behaved?
Making it the OP'S fault?
Fxxk that.
Only on misogynistic MN does that apply.
In the real world this is ALL on HIM.
Mind yourself OP.

What would he have done if you were in the office?

It was her night to have the kids in the evening though, it’s really not clear that by DH asking to pick the kids up that then meant he would cancel the normal evening plans too.
OP not getting her work done isn’t actually the main part of this story because she would have had the kids from 5 anyway so she was out the additional 2 hours.

You shouldn’t need to spell it out but in my experience it’s essential. My DP (and his father)‘s executive functioning is poor at best. His father is divorced and has been single bumbling around for thirty years now so I can observe my DPs future in its native, un-woman influenced environment and its very interesting from an anthropomorphic point of view. I’ve concluded there’s no logical putting 2+2 together to create any kind of organisational plan in his life, it’s just jumping around from one thing to another depending what flits into his brain. And he hadn’t cooked himself a hot meal in thirty years, just eats sandwiches.

It’s so tricky because you both couldn’t finish work but it’s the childcare part of the evening that’s tricky. I suppose in his mind, you “could” leave work and catch up later whereas he might lose a client or fail at the job (based on what you’ve said he does if he’s self employed and in a trade, you can’t walk off and come back if that booking was due to get done today as I assume it would ruin his week of bookings and peeve the customer?)

I do however 100% agree he could have said - how about I don’t go to club and you can log back in once I’m home? But as others say, men need it spelling out for them. Is he grateful when you step up and do these things or are you usually such a superhero he doesn’t notice the effort?

So by “we’ll sort something out” he actually meant he’ll swan off to his hobby like normal and you’ll pick up the slack. I’d be very pissed off in your situation. What has he got to say for himself today?

So spell it out to him. Say you understand that work is a priority but that doesn’t mean you will take on tasks for him so he can complete his work so he can do his hobby. The kids stuff is also a priority over that.

your job is as important as his and the fact he asked you to take on more responsibility not for work but so he could finish a task and go to his hobby is monumentally selfish. The fact he did it knowing jow swamped you are is something you are struggling to forgive.

for now he needs to step up and give you a 2-3 evenings to finish off this task before sitting down and working it all out

Not the point of the thread but I can’t think of a single hobby that is so unique it could possibly be identifying save for something like “tending my roses at Sandringham”. Drives me nuts.

You need to tell him that. Currently whatever he says he is assuming you are the default parent, that your job is less important than his.

You need to tell him explicitly that:

• your job is no less important than his
• DDs sport is no less important than his
• he needs to stop lying to you - as @Codlingmoths says, "we will sort it out" was a straightforward lie

Be blunt and stop apologising and blaming totally reasonable annoyance on hormones. You assumed he would be thoughtful because you would be in that situation, its disappointing to realise he was too selfish to consider anyone else - point this out if you get a whiny response

I'd also be frustrated that he didn't skip hobby night after you specifically said you were drowning in work. Have you had a conversation with him about it today? Hopefully he realised he was wrong and apologised profusely!

Yes of course. Nobody wants a cloak of suffocated lobsters when they summit Everest. That’s why the news would be so interested.

Sorry for running out - I have been up to my eyeballs in catching up today!!

I didn't say anything this morning because the kids were around and there was no way it was coming out in anything but a mega pissy way, because I'm still so annoyed this morning.

I haven't read the posts today properly but I know that my work is so much more abstract than his whereas his is more immediate and concrete. So if mines not done it's not very obvious except for me knowing I'm running behind and having to work my arse off, whereas his would mean clients very clearly seeing things weren't done on time and him losing money. So I'm more often the one booking holiday time to cover kids appointments or calling out if a kid is sick, because I just catch mine up later and his means a lost client. That's how the undercurrent of "the important" job begins - so beware!!

Maybe it needs to come out in that kind of way maybe he needs to understand