Parent Pay Details

[Kingof93]

Just would like some input on this.

Im being asked to send money to my sons bank account to then go into his parent pay to cover meals and school trips. I have no issue in doing this as I do earn more than his mother. I have asked to be given the details for parent pay so I can send the money directly as I also do not have access to his bank account so I have no proof that the money is actually being used for school meals and trips etc.

To give context I first asked for bank access when the acct was set up (9 years now) and to parent pay when he started at the school. My ex partner has always refused me access to both. I have until now not pushed back on this and now im doing so she is emailing me the same email about paying repeatedly.

I am more than happy to pay it I just want to see where the money goes.

But why? You should know how much DC attends school. It is easy to find out the cost of a school meal. Why be so difficult about it when you know the money is going on school dinners. The only genuine reason for wanting to be difficult is that you want to avoid spending your earnings on feeding your child.

When other people are saying you can have two parents and ive been told all along it can only be one, Im allowed to ask questions.

I was asked during better times to ease off with schools as I didnt always agree with her way of speaking to teachers. Im not one to get annoyed id rather let you go off and then come back with the right answer. SO when school picked a fight with my wife I tried to stay even minded and this annoyed my ex. I backed my wife the whole time but because I didnt shout at the school I was in the wrong.

When did I say that? Ive said over and over ive no issue in spending on my familt being fed and housed. I just asked for my own access to send the money directly my self and not via her via my sons acct. Thats reasonable !

Why don't you ask to be the oarent pay account hokdsr, switch it to you and take control of the parent pay?

Who has told you that there can only be one parent on ParentPay? The school? ParentPay help? Or your ex? You are capable of finding out information for yourself about ParentPay and acting on it without involving your ex. Trying to get her to do what you want, rather than taking action to resolve things yourself is not sensible.

What you should be able to grasp is that you now have a separate relationship with the children's schools than the one you had when you were together with your ex. You are dealing with the school directly, representing yourself as a separate parental figure. Your access to information should be direct with the school, not via your ex. It doesn't matter what the previous agreement was with your ex about how you both handled the relationship with the schools, you are now only dealing with them on behalf of yourself.

I See that now and I'm going to get this sorted for my benefit this week. Ive been emailed 11 times today asking for the money. To which ive replied "Ive asked the school for my own login" the reply is "wheres the money"

Presumably because she has things on ParentPay that need paying for, and she needs the money. Surely you can send her the money this time, and then let her know that in future you will be able to put it directly onto ParentPay and pay towards items.

I honestly am maybe too relaxed on these things and then being hassled for money frustrates me too quickly. I know im not going to be thanked for what I do pay for and nor do I expect this but to just get an email repeatedly asking for money and when I ask "can i have the login" i get the same angry emails.

IT used to be we shared logins for things and now thats clearly not the case.

Of course you aren't going to be able to continue to share logins, that would be inappropriate given you are no longer in a relationship. But school systems are well set up for separated parents given it is very common, so systems will let you have your own login and to be able to see the relevant information about your child. Same with school communications.

Then why not say that. Im not a monster I know she has an income and uses it for the best for them.

At xmas she asked me directly "can you pay for this for me" and I did. When she needed tires i paid for them as I have friends in the trade it made sense.

Whats annoying is that this past weekend she decided a 3 day holiday was needed. I was not informed of them going away. Forget the destination just knowing "oh we will be away" would be nice.

This is the the 3rd time shes taken them away this year. I asked to do the same, my family went away for my dads 70th family where paying she didnt give me an answer and I missed the chance to join them. I cant book a holiday for myself at present as my income essentially pays for their house and such. I dont care about my own lack of holidays Im a fool whos happy working but I would like parity and I cannot get it.

I'd imagine this is the issue. If you pay her directly, she knows there is money in the account and her child is fed a school meal. If you pay directly she still has to log in to check.

Well, you can get it. You need to formalise contact and maintenance agreements.

I wouldnt let my children go hungry. She will be notified of the money being in place.

Perhaps ask for screen shots of what is on parent pay. Then at least you'll know what they are and how much.

I did ask and she sent me images of what had been "ordered" I dont know if that means its been paid for or not?

Is it the parent Pay login details she is not giving you? You can definitely have 2 'bank cards' paying into the same account. Both myself and my husband put money into my son's account whoever gets to do it first when we get the low balance alert.

I didnt have details to log in. Im working on sorting them.

If parent pay says "Ordered" and has an order number does that mean its paid for?

I have just gone onto my account but I cannot see anything that says 'ordered' so cannot help you there. However, things that I have paid for and hasn't happened yet says 'Paid'.
There are some things that are set up by the school to be paid in installments - this says payment due - with the date due and amount - hope this helps.

Thank you. Ive been sent two shots. Once showing all meals for march having been paid for. All good. And one for a school trip that says "ordered" with an order number.

Thank you again.

OP, another point here is to consider the payment. if you are genuinely paying all these costs then arguably, no, you don't need to pay the extra. obviously, you can if you can afford it and want to. In which case, I think the point is that either you give her th emoney or you don't. You don't need PROOF of whatever it's been spent on.

But I think overall, the best thing is to continue as you say you plan to - finalise and formalise the financial and contact arrangements. You dont' seem to mind paynig a big chunk every month and so I assume money is not an issue for you, so I'd suggest that you work out what you have been spending and continue to pay that or a similar amount ... just formalise it.

Ditto re contact - formalise how that works and under what conditions arrangements cna be changed.

Meanwhile, get involved in the school. if she doesn't appreciate your approach, I can see that's an issue and I couldn't say if it's your fault or hers, but at the end of the day, you're not together anymore so she doesn't actually get a say in how you talk to or about the school, and vice versa.

Thank you and thats a brilliant way to put it.

I have tried to do this with a minimum of fuss and I dont think she likes that approach. Still a lot of us to work out as at present seperated is a horrible label. Especially as I let her live in the house I need to remortage next month.

For goodness sake, if it's your DC you just apply to the registrar to get a certified copy of the birth certificate. You can set your DC up with a bank account and your parents can pay into that. I'd be very angry if I found my ex had been taking money from grandparents for DC but they never got it or it wasn't saved for them.

I think that some of the replies have been harsh and a reflection on individual circumstance of the poster.

You are far too passive OP but having stuff like the parent pay account means that you can be a more involved parent and know things like when a school trip is happening or what the child picks for break and lunch.

Your ex clearly likes arguing or sees you purely as an atm who should be transferring money on her way so but in her defence, your passivity creates that image.

Send one fixed amount every month (maintenance) so there’s no anrguing about money and negotiate things like the right to take the kids overnight to see your parents. Passively complaining and obeying your ex will get you nowhere. Not being proactive risks your kids developing the same opinion of you as your ex- an ATM and nothing more.

I have some things to do and ill work through them this week.

When I asked about the school trip some weeks ago I asked if she had even agreed to his attending. At the time I was told hes not going and since then hes clearly now attending. Getting a simple yes or no is tricky enough.

It’s about £8 for a certified copy of the birth registration via the General Register Office. Just spend the £8 and get one. If I was divorced I wouldn’t give DH the original.