Parent Pay Details

[Kingof93]

Just would like some input on this.

Im being asked to send money to my sons bank account to then go into his parent pay to cover meals and school trips. I have no issue in doing this as I do earn more than his mother. I have asked to be given the details for parent pay so I can send the money directly as I also do not have access to his bank account so I have no proof that the money is actually being used for school meals and trips etc.

To give context I first asked for bank access when the acct was set up (9 years now) and to parent pay when he started at the school. My ex partner has always refused me access to both. I have until now not pushed back on this and now im doing so she is emailing me the same email about paying repeatedly.

I am more than happy to pay it I just want to see where the money goes.

So, time to renegotiate the situation and agree a fair amount of money to contribute towards the costs of your child, rather than stew and get frustrated that you feel you are being treated unfairly.

Completely. I'm more than willing to sort this. I want it in writing. I don't think she does. But you never know.

If she is the resident parent, you are not topping up her income. Even if she spends the money on bills or home improvements or her car. The money is keeping your child with a roof over their head, food in their tummy, getting your child to and from school/hobbies/playdates/shopping trips/activities. If she is the one ferrying your child around, you should not see this as "topping up her income".

I think the lens through which you are viewing things is scratched. I halved my hours and my pension contributions when i had children. My income is down by half. If I need more money it is because I have effectively spent 50% of my wage before I've even spent a penny. What else I spend comes out of the remaining half-pay. Unless you are spending the equivalent, then I would consider it that she is topping up your wage, because without her being available, how much would you need to spend on childcare, chefs or taxis for the equivalent "services"?

As I mentioned i do Pay all the bills and the mortgage for where they live.

Her ONLY outgoing i know of is her phone and apple tv. The rest is on my wages. I was happy to pay and remain so. But it's never regular.

I also work remotely and have said I can do school runs and the lot with ease but I'm not permitted.

Get it all sorted out formally OP.
You're not together anymore and you need to sort some stuff out for yourself rather than expecting your ex to do it all for you.
Contact the School to get yourself added onto their system and get added to parent pay. Get a copy of the birth certificates and set up separate accounts for the children.
Use the CMS online calculator to work out the minimum payment amount and pay it,
If you are able to pay more towards the cost of your children that’s brilliant, they will benefit from this. Your ex is doing the lions share of the child rearing by the sound of things.

Agreed this is the route I'm starting on.

You pay for all food and clothing shopping?

She's taking you for an absolute mug.

Go CMS route and then additional costs can be agreed, discussed and split rather than demanded.

Playing Devil’s advocate here but how do you think she feels having to ask you for money like she’s a child? I suspect this financial crisis parent-child dynamic contributes to her attempts to control stuff like the savings account and passports.
You should move to a maintenance system so she can spend that money on whatever she needs and not have to ask you for extra. She should budget that money for trips away or whatever.

You sound very passive - time to take some action. You’re an equal parent and don’t always have to accept what she says because she’s the mum.

Buy a copy of the birth certificate and set up a new savings account that your parents can contribute to and you can see. She doesn’t want to give you access so stop creating drama and be proactive.
Tell her you want the passport back or you’ll take police action. It’s yours and she can keep the kids ones.
Consider getting a Child Arrangement Order to protect your time with the kids and stuff like her being required to tell you if she’s going away for the weekend. Most parents alternate weekends so that they can do things like visit family on their weekends but if she’d prefer another pattern say one weekend every 3/4 weeks then go for that. If you want 50/50 contact then go for it. Dads are regularly granted it as they are seen as equal parents to mums.

Completely untrue. Dh and I both have access and put payments on dc accounts depending on which of us has time.

She is absolutely going to get less -through the CMS So she’s literally had it made this whole time he is paying the mortgage and bills and giving her money when she asks for more!!

agree. So many on this thread who are wrong on this!

I pay for the mortgage and all bills. And half of all their food shopping. She buys her own food. Clothing I dont pay towards but do end up buying ad hoc when I get asked. For example they needed football boots and bike helmets last month so I went and bought them.

If you want to know details about costs as a starting point you can contact the School and ask to be put on your child’s communication list. That way you’ll know any costs that require paying for trips etc and can transfer 50% to your ex-wife.

I agree a formal agreement is needed and I would speak to a solicitor. You need to have set days you see the children and if she is as difficult as you make out, you need to even formalise school holidays and when the other parent can take the children away (if it overlaps the other parents days).
I think you also need to show what you are contributing. Do you have evidence of where in the past you offered to pay for something but then her to reject the offer?
I would keep a log of every incident (whether she takes the children away on your days without agreement, her asking for money, receipts showing what you have paid, bills showing the mortgage/household bills). A solicitor will be best able to help you.

I did during a conversation earlier this year explain that what we have in place now is better for her as she is not liable for anything to do with the house but remains on the paperwork so when its sold in due course she will get her 50% of any equity.

If we get a fully legal route she would suddenly have bills to pay and would be worse off.

I dont want to do that as it would hurt her and im not looking to make her suffer. I do care about them all and I just want my sons in the best place which means me paying for the house and bills etc.

I have it all listed and records of it all.

A birth certificate is a public document. Anyone can order anyone's. I could order yours if I knew your name, or anyone else's on this thread, or Princess Anne's.
It's not your ex's fault you don't know this. Nor does she have to give you her copies when you could just get your own.
You're trying to come across all calm and reasonable on this thread but it's very transparent. Get your own birth certificates, your own access to bank accounts and your own access to parentpay, by yourself and like an adult. None of this is your ex's responsibility to provide to you just as you did not provide it to her.

Ill be honest I really didnt know half of this stuff and now I do I have tabs open besides this one to sort this myself. Ive emailed both schools and asked for details also.

You want access to check the money is going on school dinners. So are you saying that you believe she is instead keeping the money and sending your child to school without dinner?

I dont think that at all. But if you want money for his school meals etc then give me access to the parent pay and dont say you need it as a bank transfer.

But she didn't know it either until she found it out for herself. She wasn't born knowing.

Your thinly veiled accusatory tone towards your ex is very grating when a lot of it is your own responsibility to sort out. That's why she's getting annoyed with you and sending constant emails asking you to sort it out.

That is exactly the implication of objecting to a bank transfer, you are suggesting that the money isn't going towards the school dinners! Otherwise, what point are you making about the bank transfer?!

And I See that and im glad you have all been honest. I see my errors in all of this but if im not included in school emails to start ive no way of being involved.

Im going to remedy this and at least have my ducks in a row before I pick faults.

Thank you, that's good.