Parent Pay Details

[Kingof93]

Just would like some input on this.

Im being asked to send money to my sons bank account to then go into his parent pay to cover meals and school trips. I have no issue in doing this as I do earn more than his mother. I have asked to be given the details for parent pay so I can send the money directly as I also do not have access to his bank account so I have no proof that the money is actually being used for school meals and trips etc.

To give context I first asked for bank access when the acct was set up (9 years now) and to parent pay when he started at the school. My ex partner has always refused me access to both. I have until now not pushed back on this and now im doing so she is emailing me the same email about paying repeatedly.

I am more than happy to pay it I just want to see where the money goes.

I suspect its all been paid already

So you dont think you should contribute?

Why are you complaining about £12.50? FFS

I am happy to contribute. Always have been. Im not worried about £12.50 either but I dont think I should have to leap through hoops just to be a parent. I guess I have too.

A few people has questioned my willingness. I have never been unwilling. I wanted to help all along. Ive tried but ive been running into a wall built by her on many things.

I think you’ve been too willing tbh. She is walking all over you, I would be sorting this all out once and for all. Get a contact schedule and a financial settlement.

It' s not leaping through hoops, it's an online form that will take minutes to fill out. If you are separated from the mother of your child, then there will be more admin that you need to do as you can no longer share various things like this.

I understand that but in the interests of being civil and open I want to keep the ex informed of things. Its the decent thing to do in this situation.

I suspect its all been paid already

So, then if you just give her the money, you're paying her back then? Isn't that ok?

Don’t be so ridiculous. Every difficult absent father tries the “how do I know it’s being spent on my child” line, but the reality is that the money is going into the same pot. That’s how CMS view it, that’s how the law views it. So what if she’s already paid the school? You giving her the money back is no different than paying the school…?

As I already said, you can simply tell her that you are getting a copy of the birth certificate for your admin needs, no big deal. No need to make a big deal of it or make it into some kind of point scoring exercise.

@MellowPinkDeerHOW the HELL is OP’s ex “walking all over” him by asking him to contribute to the child? She cannot physically add him to parent pay it’s not possible!!

I beg your pardon. Im not absent in any way. I object to being told to hand over money to her for school. When I have asked for my own access to parent pay and thats reasonable.

Ill give whatever money is needed when its needed. But I would like some honesty from them about it.

Me and my ex both have access to parent pay - this isn’t a hard one. He would still be paying for his children, in a more formal way. He should be able to see his kids when arranged. She should give him access to their birth certificates. He doesn’t need to pay for her car. She is unreasonable in her demands vs the way she behaves and keeps the children in his time.

I would like honesty. Thats the crux of all this.

Dont tell me its for the school when its not for the school. If she needs money she can ask ive paid for things for her before and ill do so again.

But the whole into his account and Ill manage it is a little cheeky. If she wants 300 quid this week then she should ask. Ive done it before ill do it again.

This is just semantics and mental gymnastics.

I'd love to hear her side

Of course and that's the fair thing to say. Ive taken some points from this and Ill go about contacting and ordering as I need too.

In the meantime ive sent the money. Im not a dad who is looking to avoid this. I understand the requirements now. But I dont think she does.

I could go and ask her to pay rent on the house at this time. I was advised to do so. But I refused to put this in place.

This is about control not honesty. You simply don't trust her, and your working assumption is that she is fleecing you for cash she doesn't need. Hence only wanting to give her money before she has to pay for things, rather than give her money after she has paid for things. Because you don't believe her that she has paid for them.

You urgently need to arrange a standard amount of money that you pay her, that takes into account all reasonable expenses and pay that monthly on an agreed date. That would be the end of all of this nonsense.

Just pay for the stuff your child needs, it's not that hard, you don't need receipts or proof to do the right thing. You just need to know you're providing for your child, as a father should. I'm sure your ex partner is doing way more to contribute to the child's upbringing.

Do you pay regular maintenance? Are these requests extra? Can you come to an agreement on paying half of any school/parent pay expenses?

You can make payments into ParentPay without logging in by using a PayPoint card or barcoded letter provided by your child's school, or by making a payment at a PayPoint shop using cash or card

Contact the school and ask for the bar code. She is a CF, by the sounds of it you pay for enough

I see your point but as I mentioned I put in on the table that I would do it all 5050 some time ago and she said no. So I left it be. I offered to pay half of preschool dinners food clothing the lot and was told "I dont need your help" so I left it be.

I know that the preschool money isnt needed now so that reduced her outgoings a little but clothing food etc is going to come close with growing children.

I have at no point every tried to control anyone. I have always been the more laid back "Ok you need the money here it is parent" I dont mind being asked but Its the timing I object too and her refusal to acknowledge just how much she does see of my income that isnt tangible (Streaming,utilites,council tax etc etc) I don't get any contribution for those and she uses them.

She drives an electric car which does add somewhat to the electrical bill and yet I pay for that. I wouldnt ask her to help pay for the petrol I use!!!!

I agree a formal agreement is needed and Ill be starting that process.

As I mentioned already I offered to pay for half of everything. It was refused.

I dont want proof I want my own access to parent pay. The bank accts is a minor compared to something I should have had from the start.

see your point but as I mentioned I put in on the table that I would do it all 5050 some time ago and she said no. So I left it be. I offered to pay half of preschool dinners food clothing the lot and was told "I dont need your help" so I left it be.

I don't realyl understand this mindset and I think this is your crucial mistake and another sign of your slightly odd passiveness that then also comes across as passive aggressive. So... you think you should be paying half, she declines. So surely in that situation, you should just send her the money anyway? Or, put the money aside and then use that when she DOES ask for something?

But if you're goign to formalise contact and also financial arrangements, a ot of these issues will go away. Although be warned - I wouldn't agree to my ex having the DC half of Saturday and all day Sunday every week. I'd want to have some weekend time with them myself. I'd be far more likely ot insist that you have them overnight at least once a week or for 2-3 nights EOW so that the time with them is meaningful and doesn't actually just mean that I'm on standby to look after them.

"I don't mind being asked but Its the timing I object to and her refusal to acknowledge just how much she does see of my income that isn't tangible (Streaming,utilities,council tax etc etc) I don't get any contribution for those and she uses them." - see, this is controlling. You want to control the timing of when she asks, and you want an appropriate amount of acknowledgement or gratitude or whatever.

"She drives an electric car which does add somewhat to the electrical bill and yet I pay for that. I wouldn't ask her to help pay for the petrol I use!!!!" - you're not using your car to transport your son around to the degree that she using the car she is driving.

Contact the school and ask for help setting up an account. Dh and I both had to be sent a code for access to Parent Pay (from school, not the other parent). It isn’t like one parent controls it, or certainly wasn’t for us. For GDPR reasons, the school has to make sure the right people have access to each child’s personal information. Dh and I are married and I’d expect my husband to contribute just like I do, so sounds sensible that you also do. It’s a real bugger to set up and maintain though, and it passes along responsibility to you to manage spending on the account, which is also a pain.

Valid point. I do see your reasoning for that and its made me think differently on that.

But If someone was getting to live rent free and not paying towards any bills. Who does work. Then to turn and say "oh by the way money I havent asked for in 2 years I now need" comes across a little badly.

Due to the nature of her work and mine. there is little room to change this and we both know that. I do see my children more than those set days when I take them out etc as she does work odd times and im always without fail on hand to be with them.

Not once has anyone else had to be called in to look after them.

If she where to start asking to change that now it would go against years of one thing we have always had a clear understanding on.

Things money wise have not been simple. In terms of me being there to see them and help raise them monday to thurs its been easy.