To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

[gollyimholly]

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

Some people on here are being very judgemental. For some it might sound a breeze to prepare a home-cooked meal and manage a clingy, 2 year old, but for others (me included), I would find it very stressful, especially since DH couldn’t be relied upon to feed DD nor to do any of the cooking.
If the clearing up had been left til the next morning, would DH even have been there to do it/help?
I do think he’s got off very lightly. They are his mother and sister.
Btw, why couldn’t SIL have accompanied MIL in the taxi?

You mention Eid and English not being her first language which to me suggests your partner and his mother is Asian? My fiancée is Indian, so similar culture. Asian mothers tend to lean on their children a lot. A lot more than I realised. She would never get a taxi or any form of public transport, her children take her everywhere. That is very normal. I don’t have a good relationship with my MIL at all but I totally understand her children wanting to get her home safe. However if I have misinterpreted I still don’t think it’s unreasonable to give your mum a lift home. IMO child should have been fed and put to bed way earlier anyways.

You are totally unreasonable not to have noticed that your DD has not been fed and was still up at 10.30 pm, whatever the occasion there is no excuse. You and your DH are obviously disorganised, you need to prioritise what you can do when inviting people and not try to do so much that you are neglecting your DD.

The UK is not the Mediterranean or Scandinavia, what is the norm in those countries has little to do with anything. People living in different climate zones will likely do some things differently to people in the UK, they have adapted their lives around their climate and culture just as we have.

We have been in a similar situation with my IL.

I've always hosted Christmas Eve for them and our two children and their partners. One such an evening my MIL calls and claims that because of the snow FIL is afraid to drive and anyway, he wants to have a few drinks. She wanted their son - my husband - to pick them up. It's about 45 min. each way, plus of course the delays they always created.
First of all, I usually spend 2 days in the kitchen for such occasions, always do a really beautiful table and very good food, I needed my DH to help me. And also : no way I was sending my DH to drive that road 4 times and not allowed to have any drinks on a christmas-eve-dinner in his own home! DH and I agreed to have them picked up by a taxi, found and instructed a driver where IL live to come and get them later too, agreed on a price ánd gave him that ourselves cash in hand. At first IL were angry about it, telling DH that they, his parents, should have priority over his wife. He answered they had a choice : be shuttled by a professional taxidriver, or stay at home.
We have done it that exact way for several years, also after FIl died.
MIL became friendly with the taxidriver and called him every time she needed a ride.

So what did you say when he asked if it was alright to drop them home?

Yabu. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

Disorganised evening all around really - nothing wrong with dropping people home if it is agreed in advance, nothing wrong with hosting people if chores are designated at the start. Sounds like this was a bit of a free for all? Next time just set out the basics early on and then the two year old gets fed properly at the right time, and there's no resentment over travel plans. Is it because it was Eid?

Seriously, why are people not reading the thread before posting, or at least the OP’s posts?

This. I’d say don’t invite them in the evening if you aren’t happy for him to drive them home? If you’re tired after dinner, you just go to bed at 10.30 as presumably the child should be asleep then anyway? I don’t understand people who can’t cope without a spouse or partner for a couple of hours - especially not in this situation where child should be in bed by that point anyway.

I'm really surprised that so many people think you are being unreasonable. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting two fit adult women to share a taxi (which they don't even have to pay for) home at 10:30pm.

Your DH was really selfish on this occassion. He forced you to cook and host when you'd already said you didn't want to, he failed to look after his own toddler and ensure she was fed (a pretty basic thing for a parent), he didn't clean up and then he drove his family home when there was an alternative option. You are not being unreasonable, OP.

You should have given DC something easy, toast, banana, cup of milk. & both gone to bed. You didn't have to clear it up immediately.
Next time don't do it.
"No" is a whole sentence

I can understand why you would have preferred that. I can also understand why your DH may have preferred to drive them. I think no one is being unreasonable here. You're both hard at it and tired so give yourselves a break and it's not something worth falling out over imo.

Don't stress about it as it already happened. Considering the time. It's just to make sure his mom is safe and all.
However when it comes to hosting, next time you might have to put your foot down as its too much for you having a little one an all. You just have to talk to your husband about how you feel about the whole situation, I'm sure he is a reasonable person and he will understand where you are coming from. ❤️

then next year HE does all the cooking. All of it, planning the meal, shopping for ingredients, then 100% of the cooking.

I predict he'll see the light quickly

THIS!!! Should have been fed first!!!

Do you have more than one kitchen? If not then you would have known your child was hungry. This is as much on you as your DP.

if you can’t cope or don’t want to do it don’t. I can’t be bothered with hosting. But what a lot of effort for a 3 hr visit. Clean up can wait till next day.

The real issue is both parents neglected their child for the ‘hosting’

well said.
And also, OP had already accepted to attend her own family celebration earlier in the day, and she couldn't just cancel that at short notice.. which meant that OP had to rush home and get ready to host her MIL and SIL straight after.
If it was chaotic, it was the DH deciding that it was no big deal and going ahead anyway.
It's like thinking you don't have to host Christmas because you are going to your DM's and then finding out shortly before hand that you now have to plan, rush out to specialist shops, cook a series of elaborate traditional dishes, tidy, and present it all after you've already been out all day.
It took me a while when we first married to get used to cooking for relatives, I hadn't had experience of that before and I can remember the first Christmas hosting with my toddler who was shy, riding a little trike round and round my feet as I tried to get everything ready to serve.

OP you've got to put your foot down with DH. Mine also had a habit of inviting people to dinner at very short notice (four hours) with two under four and I had to explain to him why it was unworkable.
You are not a restaurant. You need time to get ready for guests and you cannot be in two places at once.

The good thing OP is that you've said your MIL is a lovely person and you get on well and that your DH does help out with the cleaning etc... Just chalk this one up to inexperience on both your parts. Tell DH he has a new motto to learn.

"NO INVITATIONS WITHOUT CONSULTATION."

I'd have sent DD with them to sleep in the car seat.

OP I get you. My in-laws are Afghan.
I understand everything the prep the disorganisation. Kids routine being off
I sympathise

But
We don't let our elders get taxis late at night? Come on, it's not a done thing. I wouldn't get upset about that!

I have the one kitchen. I had left her food on the dinner table before I needed to go into the kitchen. I had assumed DH would have taken over. He didn't and I didn't realise until much later what had happend.

You are right but I think where DH only learned to drive two years ago, it was the norm that they get taxis up until then. So I didn't think it would have been so bad given it was something they've done for about 40 years anyway. SIL and MIL don't drive and nor did late FIL.

Thank you to lots of PPs for trying to understand the cultural connotations. Apologies for not including it in my OP and all the confusion that has ensued. I appreciate lots of the good advice given on here. I am going to let things simmer down a bit as both DH and I have already had a bit of a tense chat/fall out about it since and I think I need to be less emotional before talking about it again and also for DH to feel less sensitive about it.

Holidays are tiring and a lot of extra work. And, they're not every day. I'm sure it's annoying that your MIL wants an escort home. Just like it was annoying for me to care for two children when my husband had to go out of town for work. Tiring, annoying, a bit unfair, and...thankfully, not every day. And your MIL won't be around forever. And your children won't be young forever. Mine are adults now and my life and time is much easier and freer. I'd just treat this as part and parcel of being married to this man and being a part of this family. Hopefully your husband is more engaged and hands on during other parts of the week and year.

Thank you. He is usually a good egg. Perhaps not the most proactive or swift but he will generally follow instructions well. He, understandably, is stuck (in the sense they won't put any effort in for him) when it comes to his family so I do get it (if I'm being generous hehe).