AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

I see it that way because he has said not so long ago he cares about me a lot and with that comes caring about my child and how me and my child interact.

It's a £15 a head dinner for 4. Unless they are both very hard up it's more like just going to the bar and buying a couple of rounds than paying for dinner. It's not about whether he thinks of them as a unit. I don't think it matters if it was a second date with someone when the amounts we are talknig about are so low.

He is an 18 year old student. Why should he be paying for anything? I never did at his age.

Anyway OP, I’m not sure about this one because I always pay my way and don’t expect my DP to pay for stuff for me. Depends on your financial positions I think. We earn around the same amount (he earns a bit more but has higher outgoings so we have similar disposable) so it’s obvious to share. If he’s a millionaire and you’re on benefits it’s a bit different obviously but I wouldn’t expect it to be a treat.

When we’ve been out altogether we have split the bill so I pay for my DS and he his two sons.

when I met them for the first time without my DS he paid the bill in full.

We always go 50/50 apart from me getting this wrong as he said he’d treat me (pay) but obviously that’s if I’d just stuck to going out with just him. I feel my mistake was me suggesting he invite his Mum as that’s what I’d have done had mine still been alive.

Yeah from your other messages, I would maybe reconsider this relationship. The stuff about the mini break isn’t great - if you can’t afford it he should either agree to cover it or drop it and suggest something cheaper. Also you said that he does earn well and can easily afford it. In that case he’s being a twat and you could do better. He doesn’t sound very nice. I would have refunded you immediately rather than immaturely not replying to messages.

Fair enough. I don’t see him as that either but he is at my house a lot and my son really likes him. My son is a young 18 yo and my BF says he loves to watch me and my DS getting on and watching me as a Mum. I got it massively wrong thinking that on Mothers Day he would just pay £15 for my son to make me happy as part of my treat.

I think much more careful communication is probably needed over who pays what in future. It may seem awkward and unromantic, but the hurt that's caused for you by this type of miscommunication seems worse.

He is an 18 year old student. Why should he be paying for anything? I never did at his age.

A lot of teenagers DO pay for their own gifts/treats for others, though, say for Xmas, birthdays, etc. They just keep the cost reasonable and save up a bit if needed. A broke 18yo might have preferred to make his mum breakfast or organise a picnic or give her a homemade gift rather than spring for a £15 a head lunch out if left to his own devices - but it seems like this one, left to his own devices, would have done nothing. I can see why paying for him would have rankled the boyfriend when he'd specifically offered to take the OP out if she was not doing anything with her son.

I paid £100 for 2 adults having a couple of starters ( London) and the kids ate just chips so I think you are being but silly to quibble over £30 you are being a tad dramatic

would have been nice for him to pay , I hate tightness in a partner

Well, so far he’s shifted the entire bill to OP. For an outing that was supposed to be a treat for both women.

It's up to you whether this is a deal-breaker. Not unreasonable - it depends what you value in a relationship.

That’s a bit fairer on you.
I think he’s either skint or tight. I thought it might be rigid thinking, but if that was the case he’d have sent his share.
If he’s skint he should be more honest with you. If he’s tight it’s a really unattractive quality.
Either way you deserve better. He should be showing you he cares for you and not making a stand over £30 in an 8 month relationship.

@iseenyouwithkefir My DS bought me a card and some bath products.

So despite this originally being a treat for me I paid the full bill and have asked he transfer me half. I agree it isn’t worth falling out over for just £30 and this is what I’ve said to him. I also said (shoe on the other foot) I would have just paid the bill and treated everyone to save all the upset that has been caused by assumptions. I didn’t get the treat I was initially invited on because I made the mistake of considering his mum and my DS. I now also feel a kind of blood is thicker than water feeling which maybe I’m overthinking but on Mothers Day your priority is your Mother or your children imo.

I also do not like tightness or meanness. I’m the opposite when I have money. More fool me. I also need to keep remembering not to think everyone thinks like me. I value the relationship but I don’t like all this ‘strategic’ ringfencing over one meal that was supposed to be a treat that is now 50/50. He was treating me because I’m a Mum and have lost my Mum. To take my mind off things. Then in suggesting he invite his Mum as he is lucky to still have her (77), and me my DS he didn’t communicate that the treat was no more. It is moving past this for me. I’m not very good at forgetting things which hurt and this has.

Tbh at 8 months in, I'm not surprised he doesn't think of you as a family unit yet. He can care a lot about you both, but he probably thinks it's too early to be seeing it that way. It was a couple of years before I was at that stage with my partner.

Based on this situation alone, I feel you're being overdramtic. But... the takeaway at Christmas thing would annoy me. If he decided against the takeaway in favour of the leftovers, it should have been him putting some food together, not you. I'd have been tempted to get myself a takeaway and let him crack on.

Then this situation with the mini break. You can't afford it. There's no point him going on at you about it, because you can't magic the funds out of nowhere. He either leaves it and waits until you are in a better position, or he can pay for you both, with no expectations of you paying him back.

It seems like you might not be compatible tbh. Sometimes when there is a financial disparity in a relationship, it can cause resentment. You think he should be more generous with his money, especially when he knows you have much less, and you resent his perceived tightness.

He'll resent that you might automatically assume he should put his hand in his pocket because he is better off (even if you're not, this is what he's perceiving), and that you aren't able to do things together that he would like to do (like the mini break), unless he pays for it.

It may be worth having this out with him if you think the relationship is worth hanging on to, because this situation seems exhausting. Although it is fantastic that you and your DS get on with his family so well.

Otherwise, you might want to reconsider it altogether and find someone who isn't quite so "tight".

So reading through your posts, OP, it went from him offering to treat you, to 50/50 with no prior discussion (despite him agreeing to the extra people), to you paying for the whole meal, despite money being tight for you at the moment.

And now it appears he is ghosting you? Did I get that right? And the worst part is that he could easily have afforded to pay for all of you this one time on this special occasion.

I don't see how you did anything wrong. You discussed it all before hand and he decided to change the "rules" at the most awkward moment imaginable, when you were not free to talk about it first.

It's up to you OP, but all of this would be a deal breaker to me. He has shone himself to be a rug-puller.

Whether you were right or wrong-and judging from the responses on here-there is no clear cut answer to this, the fact remains that you have ended up paying for the whole meal.

That fact is clearly wrong.

Why is he dragging his heels on this? The answer to that will surely influence your view of him.

Is he waiting for the £20 deposit to be refunded into his account before paying you £30?
If so, that suggests he couldn't afford to go for a meal at all.

Or it it because he wants to make you wait? Wants to make you ask him again? Wants you to worry?

If it's the second option, I wouldn't ask him again and end the relationship because he is not being kind.

Why should he pay for your son? YABU.

I certainly do hope he cares about you. However, the rest of that is nonsense. Not in a rude ‘you’re talking rot’ way, but actual nonsense.

he has said not so long ago he cares about me a lot and with that comes caring about my child and how me and my child interact…which somehow equates to seeing you as a unit (after eight months) and paying for your DC on Mother’s Day? How, exactly?

I agree that it was tight af. I’d bin him for that, to be honest.

However, all the angst and ‘he doesn’t see us as a unit’ (she said this, not me!) is disproportionate, in my opinion. Massively so.

I'm a bit stuck on meals and drinks for 4 people only costing £60. Were they good?! Where on earth can this bargain be found?

Other than that it's obviously a failure of communication, and the OP getting flustered in the moment didn't help. It's obvious that a treat offered for two people won't necessarily extend to four (regardless of whether you assume the treat-giver is rolling in it). This should have been talked about beforehand and frankly it was up to the OP to get that ball rolling as she changed the dynamic.

I find the "I can't stand tightness and stinginess" crew to be extremely entitled. It's not a good look to judge someone else on whether they spend their money on you or not. It's extremely gendered as well, I don't recall ever hearing "tight" aimed at a woman. Personally I think a lot of supposedly "tight" behaviours are just being sensible with money.

Having read some of the CF threads on here there are some tight people about. Thus means that they usually have means of their own, are quite happy to take from others and never offer in return.
If you read the Dyson thread, you’ll know!

' I got it massively wrong thinking that on Mothers Day he would just pay £15 for my son to make me happy as part of my treat.'

this is where it all goes wrong

your ' treat ' was only £15 anyway, but now you have doubled the cost of your ' treat ' and turned it into a family day out.

he didn't offer to take you and your son out on Mother's Day, he offered to take you.

Why he did that I have no idea, you are not his mother and you are not the mother of his children, you are the mother of your son but he is not related in any way to your son.

He never met your mum, and it wasn't his child that you miscarried 19 + years ago.

and does he even know you are upset and sad that you won't be having children with him ?

Firstly it's only been 8 months, secondly I guess he must be 40+ if not early 50's - he already has children - adult ones. I wouldn't think that having babies with you ever crossed his mind.

You, as someone has already said, thought you were going to recreate the good old days when your dad paid for you and your mum.

but he is not your dad, this is not his family.

His mistake was to even suggest taking you out on Mother's Day.

did he take you out on Valentines ?