AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

This! I agree it sounds like a misunderstanding but is it really that big a deal? Your treat hasn't been retracted you still had a lovely meal. If you are both skint, perhaps you should have made alternative plans that were more affordable.

I’m not sure what his reason is for not transferring it already. He’s either waiting for the deposit to be received from the pub in to his account (2/3 days) or is potentially thinking about sending me the full amount.

Or he's tight and far from straight forward.

I think you shouldn’t have asked to invite your son without also saying at the time that you were no longer expecting him to pay. He offered to buy you dinner, it’s really not the done thing to try to add people to an invite like that. However, if he can comfortably afford it he is being very weird about the money, he should have repaid you by now.

This all sounds terribly dramatic. Sorry OP, but you do sound slightly like hard work and he is probably secretly very miffed by now that this is still going on. I can't imagine going out with a boyfriend of 8 months and expecting him to foot the bill for my own DC, Mother's day or not. Then again, i can't imagine my child being involved with a boyfriend of 8 months in the first place.

I agree @mummytippy . You shouldn't have invited your son as well. Or you could have said that you would like for your son to come but ofcourse you would cover his meal costs. That would have been the polite thing to do.

Anyway your bf seems to be really tight and this would be a huge turn off for me personally. My then bf now dh always insisted on paying my meals because he knew he had more money than me. If it had been reversed I would have done the same. I think you should throw this one back in the pond with the leftover turkey.

Why on earth didn’t he make the turkey bloody sandwiches?!

"I can't imagine going out with a boyfriend of 8 months and expecting him to foot the bill for my own DC, Mother's day or not. "

Really?

I'd expect to foot the bill for a dependent child any time I was hosting someone else, partner or no, even if I hadn't met them before. Presuming I'd agreecd to them coming along, of course.

I think both are to blame. You both should have realised things potentially changed with the arrangement when adding more people and spoken about it.

Guess that makes it law then if that's what you believe 🙄

He agreed to them coming along, he didn't at any point specify he was paying for them ffs. And this is an 18 year old. At 18 years old, I had left home. I'd have been paying for myself. And yes, I was in education.

What a stingy twat. Over a measly £60.

I don’t blame you for being sad and disappointed.

Good lord, last Saturday I heard about a local single mum who was out of food & dog food, and dropped of £100 worth of food plus a Tesco voucher so she and her kids could have a decent weekend with nourishing meals. And I don’t even know her! The idea of a supposedly loving son and boyfriend not picking up a £60 bill on a holiday is bizarre.

(why didn’t his father attend the meal?)
(wanting his child after a mere 8 months and when you both have adult children is a bit OTT. Maybe explore the roots of those urges)

Mumsnet is contrary for the sake of it. I can't believe how many posters are giving a teenager- that is still in school shit for not paying for a dinner he was invited out to.

But a grown ass well paid man who invites a mother out without her school aged child for a 30 pound meal, and doesn't even bring his own mother, is somehow fine.

Oh just fuck off.

The boyfriend is cheap and inconsiderate. You don't invite someone who is not your mother out without her actual child. You also don't ignore your own actual mother.

You also don't quibble over 30 pounds if you can afford it and it's the other person's day

I do not think you read my full OP. I felt awkward my BF wanting to taking me out on my own on Mothers Day to treat me and not his Mum. It was me who suggested him asking her. He then invited her. Then as my DS had not yet met my BF parents I asked if my DS could come too as I saw us as a unit. Obviously my BF does not see us as a unit.

awful that he seems to have put me and my son in a ‘box’ like ‘us and them’.
I think that this is the root cause of the issue and it's not specifically about the money/bill. That 8 months on, he doesn't see you all as a family unit. Best of luck with the counselling and it's great that you are ready for this big important step in your life.

Did he contribute towards the Christmas food when he ate at your house for a few days?

Thinking back I should have made sure he did instead of me

Son doesn’t earn though, so how could he contribute?

Op, I feel that you were dissapointed as you were looking to recreate the scenario your lovely dad did when he was alive.

Your bf is not your dad. I think you need to apologise for the misunderstanding and stop trying to make him feel bad for doing nothing wrong here.

Of course he doesn't. Your only 8 months in. He's not a stepdad!

Thank you for the further comments. So as it currently stands my goodnight message at 21:30 remains unread and no further comms from him or transfer of any money. He’s wanted us to book a mini break for sometime next month but due to me being so short of money and my DS having A level exams then too it hasn’t been arranged. I have told him on numerous occasions that I cannot afford to do anything like that and when he asked again about this yesterday when discussing this situation over the bill (and I think he feels I’m potentially going end things) I stated that I definitely cannot afford it (adding I feel like he is pressuring me). He said so you don’t want to go away now and I said yes, but not when DS has exams and it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t afford to. All I can think is he is thinking I don’t want to go when I genuinely cannot afford it. I also have a vehicle which needs a costly repair, major home improvements (building work that is not completed) and I’m currently on sick leave from work SSP. I feel so stretched atm.

I don’t like this at all. He offered to treat you and has watched you being delighted at the thought. He’ll know your son can’t afford to contribute and by his thinking of your baggage vs his, he should have been expecting to pay for his mum. So all in all, if he wants to be that exacting, he should have made it clear that you would be expected to pay for your son.
The fact that he didn’t over a relatively low amount of money makes me think he’s not as comfortable financially as you think. He’s had so many opportunities from you to transfer the whole amount, or 3/4, or even his half. What’s taking him so long if his rigid thinking on 50-50 is what’s at play here?

I really feel for you, but I think this is about more than one meal out.
Also, when you’re out with all of your combined kids, do you split the bill pro rate if he has more than one child? Or do you split it down the middle?

You need to reply I love the sound of a mini break, I can’t afford it at the moment and I’ll let you know when I can.

You’ve been dating eight months. I have condiments in my fridge older than your relationship. Why would he think of you as a unit?

Not paying for everyone was a bit tight on his part, but the level of heightened feelings you’re having over a pretty small misunderstanding is…excessive.

I would be concerned at this stage that he’s not going to even pay his half. It would have taken him a moment last night.
He is supposed to care about your welfare. You suddenly have £60 on your credit card you weren’t expecting. He knows you are worried and he’s left it all night.
I couldn’t continue with someone like that. No he’s not your husband and he’s not responsible for you or your son.
But he should have seen Sunday as a win as your teenage son has got on so well with his parents.
He could have easily spent £60 on the meal and he has stood in a restaurant knowing you’ve had to use your credit not debit card.
I don’t know him, obviously, but there is a chance he got you to pay and never had any intention of even paying his half.

Your message has really opened my eyes. It has hurt me for the reason you have stated. I am a Mum and my DS is my DS. HE has 2 sons who live with his ex wife and whenever I refer to our children, I refer to them all as ‘the boys’. I like his sons and we’ve been out 3 times and they do all get on. I didn’t think he would put my DS in what feels like a ‘box’ on Sunday especially as I asked if he could come and it was Mothers Day. Any other day or meal I would have not expected him to pay for my DS. It was simply as it was Mothers Day. Yes this has hurt me because I do feel like he’s drawn a line of separation or ring around my child and when discussing it I feel like he’s dug his heels in wanting me to understand his POV on the principle it went from the treat being me and him. The sad thing here is his Mum and my DS think this treat was on him and I told him this.

What on earth does "makes it law" mean? It's not what I "believe", it's what I would do, and what a lot of other people would do. You said you wouldn't do it, I just pointed out that an awful lot of people would.

I never denied that you would act the way you would act - I find it surprising, but that's entirely different.

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