AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

Given that you usually split the bill 50/50 at your insistance, and the hard time you are having at the moment financially, on sick leave with large bills due... I think that he ruined Mother's day for the sake of £30. Which is really crap.
He offered a treat and withdrew it.
Making a big deal about it at the actual bar, instead of saying something earlier, so that you had to pay for everything, which he still hasn't refunded (and given that he's so careful about money, I bet he'd want his payment refunded asap, in fact he dashed back to the restaurant to refund his deposit the next day - but its OK not to pay you.)

He's seen that its upset you and what was potentially a nice day has been ruined by petty financial nit picking. I'd be furious as it sounds in a similar situation you would have just covered the cost ( which for four was minimal since he's not going through the same financial hardship as you)
Added to which, its not the first time he's made promises and then retracted.

He's also effectively taken credit for paying for his mum and your son - when to date, he hasn't... and probably graciously received their thanks at the time.

You've explained pretty clearly why it upset you, a normal thing to do to a partner would be to give them a big hug etc but he's dug his heels in and is not responding to your text.

That's crap behaviour. YANBU

Your medal is in the post.

Thank you again for all the comments. I have an upate. We spoke on the phone last night and thrashed it all out. I told him how the whole thing had made me feel and emphasised the fact that the bill was just £60! I told him that actually the money did not matter - it was more about how he’d ruined the day and made me feel hurt and upset. I asked him to explain where in his mind the treat for me was ‘removed’ and the 50/50 ‘our 2 families rule’ came in. He couldn’t clearly explain it other than that’s what we’ve done when out with all our children. I then emphasised it was Mothers Day - a treat for the Mums and my DS who I had asked if he would be okay if he came too, along with his Mum meaning are you okay to pay for him too? I explained I hadn’t liked it when he was being pernickety and initially explaining his reasoning on Sunday where I’d asked him was he happy to pay for his Mum and he’d said yes, and originally was happy to pay for me, but he had added he would have felt awkward not to pay for my DS. I said that this had made it feel like a ‘blood is thicker than water’ scenario (my DS not being his) so it felt like he was excluding him even though I’d asked if he could come and he’d agreed. Plus it was £15! I understand from some of the comments here that I should have paid for my DS anyway and I was happy to. It was the fact I wasn’t aware of the goalposts changing until we were at the pub that I then thought it’s only £60 in total so why the heck can he just not pay the whole bill! Maybe I was wrong for thinking that! I said I thought it was mean and tightfisted and I don’t like that in a person. He is sincerely sorry, has apologised profusely, saying he never wasn’t to see me that upset again and has transferred the full amount of the bill. He said he didn’t reply to my goodnight on Monday as he knew how upset and angry I was and that he was deeply upset too about how he’d made me feel towards him. I said I had wished he could have just settled the bill on Sunday (and I was also annoyed it had taken 2 days afterwards to transfer the money to me too), and he agreed that is what he should have settled the bill and he should have transferred it sooner. We talked at length about my current money situation and that I cannot afford to go away at least until I return to work and have my full wage back and my current building work is completed.
I also said he needs to be clearer on ‘treats’ and we need to agree who’s paying for what going forwards so it is clear as I explained had I known the payment terms had changed for Sunday, I would not have planned to go out. I’d have done something at home with my DS because as a student he has no money either.
He now knows that I think he has been a bit tight and mean over this so going forwards I am going to monitor his chivalry and which situations he applies them too. I do not like tightness but at the same time I do not expect him to splash his cash on me. I just want things to fair and to be made to feel special every once in a while. Thanks again everyone.

He said he didn’t reply to my goodnight on Monday as he knew how upset and angry I was and that he was deeply upset too about how he’d made me feel towards him.

Oh please, he couldn't even say goodnight because he was too deeply upset? Despite knowing that he had upset you, he was unable to communicate at all? Or transfer money?

Every choice he made at every point about how to handle this was shitty. And he is tight.

There's a large group on MN who get quite nasty as soon as a woman expects any more than a grimly applied 50:50 on all financials, including little celebrations. Domestic efforts such as cooking for the prize man are always conveniently ignored. Don't let them grind you down. You know you were being reasonable in your reactions to this.

I think you'll be a long time waiting for any "chivalry" to monitor.

I hope it works out but you've not picked the bottle of champagne out of the tombola. He's only a bottle of Ribena at best, so have the courage to throw him back in if things don't improve to your satisfaction.

I hope it all goes as you wish from now on in.

Poor communication on both sides.

You shouldn't gave assumed you adding another 2 people changed things and he shouldn't have assumed you knew that.

Love that analogy.

Just be very observant now OP. Anymore displays of tightfistedness as opposed to not irresponsibly splashing the cash and best end it. There’s a big character difference between being sensible with money and being a tight arse (male and female).

Hope it works out. Maybe stop re-hashing when you do see him, as both of you seem very emotional over this misunderstanding. And you seem to want him to take all the blame, which is unfair given he invited you out, just you, then you assumed it was ok to add his mum to the invitation then asked him if your adult son could come too.

The intimate meal out together turned into a group/family meal, so I'm not surprised he assumed you'd split the bill. I'm not sure why you expected him to pay for the extra people, or why you turned a misunderstanding into a huge row.

Yes he needs to be clearer, but maybe tell him what YOU did wrong too, and how you won't repeat your mistakes again, eg apologise for inviting extra people assuming he'd pay for everyone?

Jesus, you're the one re-hashing!

She didn’t invite them, she suggested to him to invite them. He could have said no then.

And to suggest OP should pay for his mum is mad.

.

Yes he needs to be clearer, but maybe tell him what YOU did wrong too, and how you won't repeat your mistakes again, eg apologise for inviting extra people assuming he'd pay for everyone?

She didn’t invite them, she suggested to him to invite them. He could have said no then.
On any other thread people would be telling OP how lovely it was of her to suggest including his mum on Mother’s Day.

Oh my god yes THIS ^

What about your part in all this? You seem to want to heap all the blame on him and accuse him of being tight and keep going on about 'your special day'. But it was you who changed the goalposts in this arrangement and invited more people changing this from a meal for two into a meal for 4 and then just assumed he would pay. Maybe you need to promise never to 'assume' again and communicate better. In fact, you both just need to make sure you communicate better in future so everyone knows what's what before you go out.

You have made him feel guilty and bad for a misunderstanding. Maybe let it go now?

This my plan. I am going to be majorly observant going forwards.

This was covered and he understands I asked him to invite his Mum as it was Mothers Day and I didn’t feel comfortable him just taking me out. I actually told him I thought it was odd to ask me to go out by myself with him on Mothers Day when he has a Mum and I have my DS.

What he wanted was for me to be happy on Mothers Day because I’ve lost my Mum. This is why he wanted to treat me. Suggesting he invite his Mum and asking him if I could take my DS was approved by him and I said that because he approved I assumed he would be happy for it to still be a treat and pay. I did say I was sorry if that was not the case and that had I thought it was any different I’d have simply told him my DS was free and was going to come too. He agreed that it wasn’t clear and it was just a misunderstanding. I agreed it was too and that we must be clearer going forwards.

we have drawn a line. I just want everything to be open and fair going forwards.

I think its just clearly obvious that you have just not communicated things well between you on this occasion and have both made assumptions. I am sure now you have hashed it out that it won't occur again.

I am sorry you lost your Mum. I lost mine too a few years ago and Mothers Day is hard so I get that. 💔

I would just try to put it behind you now and move on. x

Has he transferred you your money?

Yes he transferred the full amount yesterday evening.

Thank you. I’m sorry for the loss of your Mum too. Mothers Day changes doesn’t it xx

Wow.

Exactly.

I’m an independent, well off woman who always pays my own way, but this man was a real piker to fail to quietly pick up the bill on this occasion.

Some of you have mind bogglingly low standards.

OP, if you stay with this penny pincher, make sure he pays for his share of groceries.

Personally, I think you went wrong insisting you go 50/50 for everything (or most things) from the outset. It would've been better to not say anything and if he's happy to pay that's great, if you want to go 50/50 or pay, you jump in when the bill arrives. You set a standard that you're now regretting I imagine. Yes, he could have used a couple of brain cells to figure out it was a special occasion and to do away with 50/50 but if you've been insistent on being so financially independent, it's likely he just thought you'd rather favour 50/50 given your son going along too.

I have to say though that you have also been quite pernickety about him too. You've only been together for 8 months and say he's "only" taken you out and paid 4 times...that's every other month which doesn't seem tight to me? Especially as you made it clear you didn't want to appear to be sponging off him (I forget your actual phrasing). As for changing his mind about a takeaway you'd be splitting and having a sandwich at home - making a sandwich is hardly slaving away in the kitchen so I think you're egging that one a bit, and besides, you were going 50/50 anyway so you didn't miss out on a "treat".

All in all it's a misunderstanding which he obviously feels bad about and has made right by paying the whole bill as you wished.