AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

You're right. There are lots of weird things going on. Quite odd that he would think taking op out for mothers day without either her son or his mum would be a totally normal thing to do 😬

OP, is he normally quite 'fixed' in his thinking? Like he decides on something eg. I will spend a max. Of £30 on this day, then he won't deviate from it?

You’re cooking for him an extra night a week, which would have saved him lots of money, yet he begrudged spending £15 on you.

I would dump him. But if you can’t do that yet, at least stop treating him, stop cooking for him or anything else.

Because he’s treating OP to a pleasant day.

What sort of piker makes an issue of £15 spent on a teenager’s meal?

OP would have saved him a heck of a lot more than £15 due to all the meals she has provided.

8 months? Is that all? I assumed this was at least two years in!

Time to learn how to communicate, the pair of you, or you’re going nowhere fast.

No matter what about the bad communication, being tight about £15 would be a massive turn off!

He’s been mooching free meals off OP for months and can’t spend £15.

It’s good he has shown OP has true colours.

A minor misunderstanding that you have had an unusually strong reaction to. He doesn't seem to have actually done anything wrong - yes, he could have covered the full bill, but then you are the one who has insisted on 50-50 everywhere else.

Has he paid or replied to your message yet?
I get the feeling your relationship isn't going anywhere from what you have said.

I still think he was right about the treat as it was very much meant to be a treat for you if you didn't have other plans. You then made other plans by organising a meal for his mum and your son, neither of which he intended.
I also don't understand why his dad didn't come for the meal, I assume he was left at home and had to fix his own meal?

She didn’t organise the meal, she suggested including his mum and her son and he agreed. Why didn’t he raise it then if he had an issue with it?

I also don't understand why his dad didn't come for the meal, I assume he was left at home and had to fix his own meal?

Shock, horror, a man has to fix his own meal! 😱

Why is it OP’s responsibility to ensure her DP’s dad is fed? The sexism on this thread is laughable.

I felt it was strange to invite his mum but leave dad at home, would you invite one parent out for a meal with yourself, a partner and their child and not invited the other parent (where both parents are together?!). I might go for lunch with my mum, but I would not go out with my husband and our kids and only invite my mum and not my dad.

Also he said he would treat her. No mention of mum or kid. As I have said beforehand not everyone makes a big gesture for mother's day (though on MN it seems to be a big thing). If the OP wanted to be treated she should have said sounds lovely and gone with it. Or she could have asked whether he wanted to do something with his mum that day instead. End of. No need for the 18 year old to have been involved at all, until it became the family meal which was entirely different to being taken out for a treat by your partner.

Thinking about he he basically swapped treating OP to treating his DM.

So as I hadn’t heard anything I sent a message at just gone 9am asking if there was a reason he hadn’t acknowledged or replied to my goodnight message. He replied and apologised at around 10.45 explaining that he’d gone to bed early and must have fallen asleep straightaway. He is working. He said he is very upset about how he has made me feel about him He then tried to call me as I didn’t get to reply to him as had a tradesman doing a job for me.

Thank you for the comments by all who’ve contributed. All are very varied and although it might seem petty it has made me re-evaluate how we communicate and who does what.

I like to go 50/50 the majority of the time as said so as not to letch off anyone but having this rare treat turned on its head has really hurt and upset me.

We are going to talk later and think we must get some basic rules on place.

It was a Mother’s Day treat including the two Mothers son’s (My BF and my DS) not a family meal. His Dad was not asked. My BF only asked his Mum as was for her only for Mothers Day.

If he is very upset about how he’d made you feel he’d have sent at least £30 to you last night.

I find it rather weird that he didn't invite his father. He's starting to sound rather eccentric and socially awkward.

Will he take just his dad out on father's day? I do find this an odd dynamic too...as it wasn't your son taking you out, as you rightly have said he is 18 in school and couldn't pay for this treat. So that's why it again seems weird you would have expected your partner to pay for everyone.

It seems like a lot of drama and chats for a meal out. Ask him to transfer your half of the deposit immediately and draw a line under it. Ignore him if he mentions any more ‘treats’ and don’t be ‘treating’ him to any extra home cooked meals. Reciprocate what he cooks for you meal for meal.
If the takeaway thing happens again, stand your ground, you buy your own and tell him a meal won’t be provided for him as the a takeaway has been planned so does he want to go back to his own home for his dinner?

Also is he actually skint himself?

No he works FT and earns a good wage.

Do you think he may have debts?

I don’t know but I hope he does take his Dad out. I’ll be leaving that to him.

He has told me he doesn’t have any debts. He doesn’t believe in credit cards and has savings

a lot of very tight people on here- it's only £30 and OP is a mother!!

he's a child.