AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

So after chatting it all through at about 7pm and breaking off to have tea at our respective houses. Knowing I’m still upset, the transfer to me for half the bill has not been made as yet and I’ve heard nothing else from him. I’ve wished him goodnight about an hour ago and that has remained unread. My stomach is churning. All I can assume is he has already gone to bed. thank you for all the input.

My DS has just turned 18 and is a FT student. I agree it was a miscommunication and I would have been happy to pay for my son. When I told my BF this he said he would not have been right to have paid for me but not my DS. This is why I think he was vague at the pub and reverted it to a rule of when it’s a family meal or includes other family members we go 50/50. Shame I didn’t know this.

How long have you been together? Is it possible he’s worried you’re after his money? He seems very over the top about going halves if he could afford it easily and knows that you can’t. I’m wondering if he’s had a run in with a gold digger at some point and it’s made him very wary.

' This is why I think he was vague at the pub and reverted it to a rule of when it’s a family meal or includes other family members we go 50/50. '

' Shame I didn’t know this.'

it all returns to you inviting 2 extra people along to your ' treat '

it was you that turned it into a family meal.

but his father was excluded / not invited.

We’ve been together 8 months. He did go through a divorce about 20 years ago that dragged on longer than it needed to. I am incredibly independent financially and it was me who said I felt comfier going 50/50 from the start of our relationship. That is why this rare treat he wanted to do meant so much for Mothers Day. He said earlier that I cannot make him feel any worse than he does over yesterday but that said I asked him why he seemed so adamant he did not want pay and then ultimately it has all gone on my credit card. I haven’t said anything to make him feel worse - only what had happened and how it has made me feel.

I didn’t invite his Mum, he did at my suggestion as I felt awkward him taking me out on Mother’s Day and not her.

As for my DS, I would have paid for him had I known. I did say this earlier to him. I said I wouldn’t have minded paying for my DS but then he said he wouldn’t have been happy to pay for me but not my DS.

Until he transfers me some money I’ve paid for all of it.

But why did you pay for everyone? Why not just pay for you and your son?

Have you had grief counselling / therapy ?
as you have a few issues around mother's day - the passing of your mother, your father, the miscarriage before your son

and that you are upset that you can't have a baby with him - a boyfriend of 8 months, when both you and he have adult children, because you are going through the menopause.

Because he was ready to tap with his debit card and said just transfer to me once we’ve got the final receipt. I’m short in my current account right now so said I would have to pay with my credit card and just tapped it when ordering the food (tab) not at the end. It just so happened we didn’t order more drinks or desert.

Did your son do anything for you - card, box of chocolates?

But isn't this how family connections are made? Life isn't always about 50/50. It's about having a generous spirit and inclusion which forms a basis for a long term partnership. OPs son is 18 and doesn't earn anything. Paying an extra £15 was hardly breaking the bank but shows how he views the OP and her son. The other £15 was spent on his own elderly mother which HE invited on OPs suggestion.

OP-raise your bar. Tightness is a massive turn off. You can do better than this. If you suggested 50/50 in your relationship then this is what you will get for the rest of your life. This is no way to live.

When did a14 yo become an adult ?

@MarxistMags Who is 14 ? not the Op's son - he is 18 and at college.

If a similar situation occurs about paying, you can ask the staff to take £x from each card - they won't mind at all.

Anyway, the bigger issue seems to be that he presumably knows that you don't have any spare cash for this sort of thing and wouldn't have gone if he hadn't suggested it as a treat. When the numbers changed it was his job to say "actually I don't want to pay for everyone" and he should have said this immediately that you discussed the bigger group. The way he did it means that he took away your chance to decide for yourself whether you still wanted to go ahead. Also his excuse is ridiculous - of course you'll be spending the day with your son, of course he's invited!

I do hope you get the money from him. What's his excuse for not transferring it already?

It's fascinating all this bill sharing. I come from a culture where we literally fight to pay the bill when out with family- a race to who can tap that card the fastest. I just can't even imagine going out with family and there is a discussion and upset over a bill. We know it all evens out in the end.

He is tight. If it was €50 per head fair enough but €15 per head for 4 people is good value. I would bin him.

I'd be fuming he hasn't even transferred his half yet.

It sounds like a misunderstanding and I wouldn’t worry about that bit.

However when the misunderstanding came to light the person who has much more money should have paid and agreed to either sort it out later or wear it this time and be more clear in future. You shouldn’t have been put in this position even though the original problem sounds like a simple miscommunication.

I have just been assessed for talking therapy and am waiting to have CBT which I’ve been advised to have first followed by bereavement counselling.

No he isn’t short of money and on the payment part of your question, I paid for the whole bill on my credit card and am waiting for him to transfer half to me (for his Mum and himself).

My son bought me a card and some bath products.

Yes, just his Mum was asked. We had a cup of tea with his Dad later when we dropped his mum back home.

I’m not sure what his reason is for not transferring it already. He’s either waiting for the deposit to be received from the pub in to his account (2/3 days) or is potentially thinking about sending me the full amount. After I was upset on Sunday he said he’d pay in full and I told him not to because I don’t want him to do it begrudgingly (as not being just the 2 of us) so I’d rather him just give me half. It’s awful realising that he is potentially more ‘tight’ and ‘mean’ than it being a misunderstanding and awful that he seems to have put me and my son in a ‘box’ like ‘us and them’.

We generally spend a couple of nights a week at each others places and we each cook for each other. Sometimes it is 3 nights at mine. Usually the weekend and we are here during the day too so it will include lunch too which would only be a sandwich/something light.