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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers’ Day is not ‘nothing to do with husbands’.

91 replies

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:18

I don’t agree Mothers’ Day is for DC to take full responsibility, and nothing to do with husbands.
When our firstborn was an infant, I asked DH what he’d do if I fell under a bus (overthinker!). DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him! Needless to say I firmly pointed out there were lots of alternatives to that, moving back in with his parents for help, getting a nanny etc.

However it’s pretty clear he only has DC (which he wanted) because I enabled that. I carried them. I jiggled work around them. I kept them
Physically alive, to the detriment of my own body. I prioritised them. Alone, he wouldn’t have coped.

I feel he should recognise that on mother's day. All the posts that say dads aren’t responsible for celebrating the mum of their dc are a bit stingy, honestly. AIBU?

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 14:22

I think that your h’s POV is unusual.

Most men would ask family for help or use life insurance to pay for help looking after their child(ren) When ex and I got life insurance, we got enough to pay a nanny for a few years and said that would be more urgent than paying the mortgage off.

Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 14:23

I think that many men would also go looking for a stepmother to the kids and have another child then delegate all of the childcare to her rather than put the kids in care.

Tricho · 30/03/2025 14:24

What the fuck.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 30/03/2025 14:24

DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him!

Sorry, what? Not the point of the thread but any respect I had for him would have died that day.

Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 14:25

However it’s pretty clear he only has DC (which he wanted) because I enabled that.

It sounds like he had kids because you wanted them and agreed to do the child rearing.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:25

What the actual fuck have I just read?

This man is absolutely vile!

How the fuck are you still with him, assuming this is real?

Screamingabdabz · 30/03/2025 14:26

She’s not his mother but naturally young children need an adult to facilitate Mother’s Day for them. If dad doesn’t do it he’s a massive prick who is letting everyone down.

EnglishSausages · 30/03/2025 14:27

DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him! Needless to say I firmly pointed out there were lots of alternatives to that, moving back in with his parents for help, getting a nanny etc.

This is probably way out there but he could have, you know, learned to parent his own child/ren…?

Honestly OP, I don’t think you’re in any position to give out marital or parenting advice based on what you just posted.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:27

All the posts that say dads aren’t responsible for celebrating the mum of their dc are a bit stingy, honestly. AIBU?

He's not a dad anyway.

From what you've told us he's just a sperm donor.

StressedQueen · 30/03/2025 14:27

That is not normal at all...how are you still with him??

StressedQueen · 30/03/2025 14:29

Also that is his child...if I died right now DH would be fine to parent all of our children and be perfectly capable because he is a parent as well. I'm sure he'd need support from family and friends sometimes, as would I, and just general help but he'd manage.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:29

EnglishSausages · 30/03/2025 14:27

DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him! Needless to say I firmly pointed out there were lots of alternatives to that, moving back in with his parents for help, getting a nanny etc.

This is probably way out there but he could have, you know, learned to parent his own child/ren…?

Honestly OP, I don’t think you’re in any position to give out marital or parenting advice based on what you just posted.

Honestly OP, I don’t think you’re in any position to give out marital or parenting advice based on what you just posted.

Very true @EnglishSausages

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:31

He did want DC
He was really good with the DC particularly when they were babies and toddlers.

He was unable to imagine parenting and working full time, being a single parent. This was 30 years ago, men as single parents were invisible.

So we later realised after loads of odd situations, he’s entirely inflexible and unable to deal with the unexpected.

He hasn’t been diagnosed but autism is as plain as the nose on your face, once you think about looking for it, his family is thoroughly ND.

OP posts:
Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 14:32

The Mother's Day threads are becoming more and more bizarre.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:33

My point is, that everyone saying mothers’s day is for kids to celebrate their mother disregards the women who enable their partners to be dads.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACat · 30/03/2025 14:33

He’d put the kid up for adoption? I’ve lived many many years and that’s the first time I’ve come across something as bizarre as that

KatzenRatzen · 30/03/2025 14:34

Good grief.

Cynic17 · 30/03/2025 14:34

I suspect that a lot of people (mainly men, due to the biology of it all) have children just to conform, or because it's expected or because it's what their partner really wants. Yes, it would be more honest to just say "no kids", but not everyone is strong enough to do that. So I rather admire the OP's partner for at least being honest enough to acknowledge that he only had a child because of her.
And none of it alters the fact that Mothers Day is not about the husbands, because it absolutely isn't.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

MyKingdomForACat · 30/03/2025 14:33

He’d put the kid up for adoption? I’ve lived many many years and that’s the first time I’ve come across something as bizarre as that

Honestly, I felt the same way, but there we are, I had a baby to think about.

OP posts:
Alllll · 30/03/2025 14:35

I honestly don’t think I could stay with a man who said he would put a traumatised, motherless child - his own child - up for adoption. All respect and love for him would evaporate.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

He really wanted kids, @Cynic17 Not just to keep me happy. He’s from a big family.

OP posts:
Cavello · 30/03/2025 14:36

I can't believe that he in all seriousness would put his kids up for adoption of you died. Not the point of your thread, I know, but I'm genuinely shocked.

My DH is now the SAHD, due to an accident at work, but he's always been a hands in father from the very beginning and has always been as capable as looking after them as me. We did it that way in case anything happened to me, and vice versa, I can financially take care of us if anything happened to him, and now its been a necessary.

I'm not sure if I could get passed that.

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/03/2025 14:36

You had another child (or more) with a man who said he'd put his child up for adoption if you died?

Mother's Day is not the issue here

faerietales · 30/03/2025 14:37

I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck?

Please don't blame his horrendous attitude on autism - it's incredibly offensive.

EnglishSausages · 30/03/2025 14:37

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

Honestly, I felt the same way, but there we are, I had a baby to think about.

Show quote history

He said this after you had your first baby and you went on to have more children with him?

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