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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this what my mothers day will be going forward now?

99 replies

FishersGate · 30/03/2025 08:51

Dh had a very emeshed relationship with his DM. She passed over 2 years ago after a short illness 79yrs. He's got ocd anxiety despite lots of counselling still bitter about losing his dm.

Together 29 years and have always accepted within reason now after counselling i am and was second best to his dm. I have enabled this.

We have two DC 13yrs and 9yrs. He however did always go to some effort with them for me and mothers day. Since his own dm it's nothing. Last year being was 2nd mothers day and apart from a card nothing. 1st mothers day it was only 2 months after dm passing so didn't expect much.

This year we have a sports final at lunchtime no ones fault. But he kept saying in ear shot if me yesterday come on kids you need to get sorted. Its your mothers day tomorrow etc. He hasn't forced them to a shop etc for a card. I know today he will say well I told them etc etc.

His tone is completely different and it's now like he can't be bothered as his own dm isn't here.

Or am I being unfair as my children are older?

OP posts:
Middleagedstriker · 30/03/2025 08:52

Surely your 9 and 13 year old are capable of going to a shop or drawing a card. It's them you need to be pissed off with!

BeaAndBen · 30/03/2025 08:55

I would not expect a 9 and 13 year old to need their dad’s help with Mother’s Day.

RatedDoingMagic · 30/03/2025 08:55

If he's given the kids some money to spend on you, and told them that a card and chocs or flowers or similar are the appropriate thing, and reminded them more than once, I think that's a pretty good amount of effort. It's mothers day not wives day and his own mum is dead and the children are old enough to be capable of going to a shop and buying some Maltesers and a bunch of daffodils.

SallyWD · 30/03/2025 08:55

His mum only died two years ago so I think it's understandable that it's now a difficult day for him. However, he should make an effort for you. The children should also make an effort now they're older.

Eenameenadeeka · 30/03/2025 08:56

At that age, they should be sorting it I'd think. If he was very close to his Mum it's probably a bit of a hard day for him

TwentyTwentyFive · 30/03/2025 08:56

To be honest yes it sounds a bit crap but at their ages I really wouldn't expect them to need any prompting or help in organising a card for you. Surely they can make you a card with no input from their dad?

Theunamedcat · 30/03/2025 08:57

This is really poor of him how long does it take to moonpig a card you don't even need to leave the house ffs

Your right he doesn't value you and he is teaching the children the same thing

sesquipedalian · 30/03/2025 08:58

At nine, your DC will still need help/input/money. What have you said to them? You say last year “apart from a card, nothing” - what is it you want? In my experience, you need to make clear your expectations - eg tell DC that as it’s Mothering Sunday you’re expecting breakfast in bed at (insert time here) and there are hot cross buns in the bread bin, or whatever. OP, you need to direct your family a little, and that includes reminding DH that he always made an effort for his own mama, so perhaps he might like to take a hand in guiding DC as far as you are concerned.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/03/2025 09:00

Your kids should be sorting something to make the day special for you.

They are old enough to make or buy you a card then make you breakfast in bed and spoil you.

Its likely that mothers day is painful for your dh as it is so I think your children need to take the lead on this.

Itsabeautifulthing · 30/03/2025 09:00

It would have taken him minimal effort to take the kids to the shops and let them pick a card or whatever. I know he's grieving and it's a hard day when you've lost your mother, but that doesn't excuse not also making your day special.

Is he different on your birthday OP?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 30/03/2025 09:00

Yabu.

At 9 and 13 they can sort stuff out themselves, unless there’s a reason you’ve not mentioned.

A card, breakfast in bed etc can easily be achieved.

Cynic17 · 30/03/2025 09:07

This is not your husband's responsibility, OP. Your children are old enough to make you a cup of tea, write a card or buy a box of chocolates from the local shop. Or just wish you Happy Mothers Day. Don't make it all about him.

faerietales · 30/03/2025 09:10

He should be helping the 9 year old but your 13 year old is more than capable of sorting out a card and gift without prompting.

Objectrelations · 30/03/2025 09:11

I have voted YABU as of course the kids are capable - but I can see that it is more complicated as you have a long history of resentment about ‘mothers’ and not being a priority or feeling valued enough in your relationship.

Not an easy answer but the remedy in my experience is to stop accepting behaviour that really isn’t acceptable to you, and also as someone else has said, moving away from hoping to explicitly stating what your needs are and what it is you expect. This will help you feel more powerful and give you a sense of agency.

DenholmElliot11 · 30/03/2025 09:13

Middleagedstriker · 30/03/2025 08:52

Surely your 9 and 13 year old are capable of going to a shop or drawing a card. It's them you need to be pissed off with!

This - you raised them!

BallerinaRadio · 30/03/2025 09:14

At 9 and 13 I don't think your kids will be making a big deal out mother's day going forward anyway, so I'd probably accept this but as a kids growing up issue than a DH issue I think you're probably trying to conflate the two

Original poster
FishersGate · 30/03/2025 09:14

I agree within reason making cards etc. They can't get themselves to a shop or buy things easily.

I grew up in foster car and never had a mother figure so I understand within reason however I wouldn't not let the children do nothing for fathers day age irrelevant unless they are adults. They still need reminding etc.

No its not wives day but I just don't feel it's check out day as he doesn't have his mother?

My nan died last sat and my mum hasn't checked out of doing a lunch for siblings etc today. I csnt attend due to sporting commitments.

Maybe I should just expect more from young kids 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/03/2025 09:15

BallerinaRadio · 30/03/2025 09:14

At 9 and 13 I don't think your kids will be making a big deal out mother's day going forward anyway, so I'd probably accept this but as a kids growing up issue than a DH issue I think you're probably trying to conflate the two

I still make a big deal out of my foster mother and I am 44!

OP posts:
BallerinaRadio · 30/03/2025 09:17

FishersGate · 30/03/2025 09:14

I agree within reason making cards etc. They can't get themselves to a shop or buy things easily.

I grew up in foster car and never had a mother figure so I understand within reason however I wouldn't not let the children do nothing for fathers day age irrelevant unless they are adults. They still need reminding etc.

No its not wives day but I just don't feel it's check out day as he doesn't have his mother?

My nan died last sat and my mum hasn't checked out of doing a lunch for siblings etc today. I csnt attend due to sporting commitments.

Maybe I should just expect more from young kids 🤔

In these circumstances I'm not sure you can say much to your kids when you're opting out of seeing your mum! I imagine the 13 year old might have something to say 🤣

TwentyTwentyFive · 30/03/2025 09:18

He did remind them though? Also I wouldn't say they were young kids surely you have paper, pens and craft bits in the house they could use?

I'm actually more shocked from your last post that your siblings are still expecting your mum to host today when her own mother's just passed away. 😯

FumbDucker · 30/03/2025 09:19

This will be my 2nd Mother’s Day without my mum (lost my dad years ago) but can’t imagine not putting in the effort for my DH. Yes it’s a difficult day but you have to put things aside for others.

Id just match this energy for Father’s Day and if questioned provide the same answer (excuse) he gives you today

itbemay1 · 30/03/2025 09:19

Theunamedcat · 30/03/2025 08:57

This is really poor of him how long does it take to moonpig a card you don't even need to leave the house ffs

Your right he doesn't value you and he is teaching the children the same thing

Exactly this!

Mnetcurious · 30/03/2025 09:20

I voted yabu as your kids are old enough to be responsible for sorting their own Mother’s Day cards and presents.
Edit - had read age 19 instead of 9 so take that back although the 13yo can encourage the 9yo. But yes your h should make sure they sort something.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/03/2025 09:24

I bet your MiL made sure she was treated well on Mothers Day? I think you need to channel her spirit and be up front about what you expect. Of course it would be nicer if your DH and children would show some initiative.

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/03/2025 09:31

SallyWD · 30/03/2025 08:55

His mum only died two years ago so I think it's understandable that it's now a difficult day for him. However, he should make an effort for you. The children should also make an effort now they're older.

I don't understand how his mother dying 2 years ago means that it is difficult for him to get his kids to get something organized on Mother's Day.