Is this what my mothers day will be going forward now?

[FishersGate]

Dh had a very emeshed relationship with his DM. She passed over 2 years ago after a short illness 79yrs. He's got ocd anxiety despite lots of counselling still bitter about losing his dm.

Together 29 years and have always accepted within reason now after counselling i am and was second best to his dm. I have enabled this.

We have two DC 13yrs and 9yrs. He however did always go to some effort with them for me and mothers day. Since his own dm it's nothing. Last year being was 2nd mothers day and apart from a card nothing. 1st mothers day it was only 2 months after dm passing so didn't expect much.

This year we have a sports final at lunchtime no ones fault. But he kept saying in ear shot if me yesterday come on kids you need to get sorted. Its your mothers day tomorrow etc. He hasn't forced them to a shop etc for a card. I know today he will say well I told them etc etc.

His tone is completely different and it's now like he can't be bothered as his own dm isn't here.

Or am I being unfair as my children are older?

I’d expect him to take the kids to a shop and supervise them getting something. Given his relationship with his mother, he should have been more thoughtful. I guarantee the OP helps the dc on Father’s Day.

But if he was capable of celebrating Mother’s Day with his own mother then he should be capable of helping his dc out.
Personally hate when people say to sort something out as my mind goes blank.

I’m a single parent and my kids made me breakfast at that age and woke me up late so that I could sleep in. Breakfast was scrambled eggs on toast, a glass of juice and coffee.

They're all being lazy and rubbish. Tell them off and go out on your own.

I don’t think it is to do with the age of your kids OP. DH could easily take them to the shops to pick out a box of chocolates and give them a poke to either make a card or sign one he’s bought for them. He could make you breakfast in bed. None of these things need to be a negative reminder of his own loss. You can both grieve for what you have lost and celebrate and appreciate what you have.

To note, I lost my own father under very tragic and sudden circumstances when I was young. Father’s Day has been painful in the past but since my kids were born I’ve actually really enjoyed being able to celebrate it again via DH. It was something I felt was “not for me” before DC’s came along and it has been lovely to enjoy this celebration again in my own right.

In my view Mother's Day is about children showing appreciation for their mother. As soon as they become old enough to make their own cards their Dad's role is to support them (or pay) to do whatever they want for you. But the children lead it.
Your children are old enough to have done something on their own. If they haven't done anything then that's their decision. He has reminded them. What more do you think he should do?

My children always did everything for their Mum and Dad on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day from the age of five.
All I did was make sure there were the breakfast food stuffs that they needed in the pantry.
A hand made card and gifts made or purchased at a school stalls.

Sometimes it was a bunch of flowers or cooking the evening meal.

Indeed. And it means ZERO if they ARE forced.

Do they even have money? My kids never ended up with regular pocket money they have nothing they would spend it on! my daughter is the eldest by 8 years works and coordinates with the others via WhatsApp buys it and sends it through the post

Thank you. Please read my original post. I have had lots if therapy which has helped me understand what an emeshed relationship do had with his mil. DH has had to undergo 18 months worth amd still suffering

I expect my kids to know better to a point however they are still children and I dont apply the same theory to fathers day as they are still children and they need support. They can't drive themselves to a shop etc. But appreciate they cane make cards etc

I don't expect the whole day about me or I would throw a fit about being out today majority for a sporting commitment.

It's the thought that counts right.

My nan has been very poorly for 5 months. It was my mums choice we didn't expect. Everyone deals with grief differently

Thank you. This is what I was trying to say

Your children are now old enough to do their own cards and gifts.

"Bitter" at losing his mum? Such a mean choice of words. Try grieving, sad, not coping, devastated, depressed, never ever the same again after losing his mother? You don't sound very sympathetic. I should imagine Mother's Day is a pretty shit experience for him now.

I understand completely that effort comes from children but i am amazed at how many children seem to buy flowers themselves etc get to shops. We don't live on public transport routes.

My kids are extremely grateful but also my 9yr old do need reminding. They love their dad but if I didn't remind or chug them along. Get breakfast bits in they wouldn't do it.

Children learn by example for DH it's the one I push and set.

His own words not mine. He said he is bitter and angry since

Who buys the gifts? My 9 yr old doesn't get pocket money?

There’s a lot of them on here. I think it makes them feel superior to other people, rather than the tedious twats they are.

OP your husband should have made sure your kids had something sorted. He’s a grown man. His mother died 2 years ago. How much trauma is it causing to ensure the 9 and 13 year old have done something for you. I could almost guarantee the same wouldn’t be true the other way round.

❤️

When my children were young they would decide what they wanted to buy for mother's/ father's day and we would facilitate it.
We ended up with weird and wonderful gifts including a bottle of wine with a purple label and disposable razors (in the same package) for me. Another year I got an extremely expensive leather bag (Michael Kors) because it had a nice strap. My DH says they were headed for the chocolate shop next door when ds spotted the bag and dragged him in to the shop. Poor DH didn't have the heart to say no.
In our family the children would be reminded it was mother's day in a few weeks and asked what they wanted to get. They would then ask to be taken to town or for help to order online.
At age 9 your dc is capable of telling their Dad they want to buy you a bunch of flowers or whatever and ask him to help them. If your DH refused to help then he would be the one at fault. But you didn't say he did that.
Looking back I think we always made a big thing about Mother's/ Father's day being the one day in the year that was Mummy/ Daddy 's day to feel special. Our children really seemed to like the idea that they had the ability to make us happy.

Dis you?

Mothers Day on MN is really like lifting a stone and seeing what weird and inadequate men women really do shackle themselves to. And have children with!

Baffling. Every. Single. Year.

Didn't really realise how weird etc though. Its not that simple is it.

At 9 and 13 they are not going to be able to sort it out themselves - I’d be so annoyed at my partner if he didn’t make an effort to get cards etc and my kids would be gutted to!