Is this what my mothers day will be going forward now?

[FishersGate]

Dh had a very emeshed relationship with his DM. She passed over 2 years ago after a short illness 79yrs. He's got ocd anxiety despite lots of counselling still bitter about losing his dm.

Together 29 years and have always accepted within reason now after counselling i am and was second best to his dm. I have enabled this.

We have two DC 13yrs and 9yrs. He however did always go to some effort with them for me and mothers day. Since his own dm it's nothing. Last year being was 2nd mothers day and apart from a card nothing. 1st mothers day it was only 2 months after dm passing so didn't expect much.

This year we have a sports final at lunchtime no ones fault. But he kept saying in ear shot if me yesterday come on kids you need to get sorted. Its your mothers day tomorrow etc. He hasn't forced them to a shop etc for a card. I know today he will say well I told them etc etc.

His tone is completely different and it's now like he can't be bothered as his own dm isn't here.

Or am I being unfair as my children are older?

Fuck that cunting noise. If you don’t like fucking swear words got to a site where they have no bastard swear words.

I’ll tell you what I hate - when people act like total dicks to OPs and then go “Oooh but you’ve used unpleasant words” and think they have the upper hand because they didn’t swear.

Don’t like swear words? You’re a grown woman. Get a grip. And stop being awful to the OP.

You’ve lost your mum - so have lots of people. Doesn’t give you a right to behave like a nob to other people.

Sounds like a very hard relationship OP.
You deserve more.

And yes it’s being pedantic. But it’s mother’s day so I should probably be ladylike and #bekind should I 🤣🤣🤣 heaven forbid a woman doesn’t behave like a mother and swears

I think it’s definitely unfair that he’s letting his sadness over his own mothers death ruin your chances of a nice Mother’s Day.

However your children are old enough to want to make it special for you themselves. Especially your 13 year old. They shouldn’t need reminding, they should be excited to go and get you a card and some chocs, so I think the issue lies here I’m afraid!

Have to agree with this. You need to have a conversation with dh and set out some expectations. You need a relationship reset.

Ah dude your kids are old enough to sort something. They shouldn't have to be forced.

If this is the way he's going to be - you do nothing for father's day. Like some couples don't do valentines. Some couples don't do Christmas presents etc. Chalk it up to that - we don't do mothers/fathers day.

With your kids - you organise a nice day, just the 3 of you. Take them for dinner and to see a film. Or a day trip to the zoo. Or whatever they might be interested in. And quite honestly, he doesn't get an inv

Honestly go to the cinema tonight. Have a pizza express. Do something fun, so you can build the memories.

But absolutely never acknowledge fathers day again.

I'm actually more shocked from your last post that your siblings are still expecting your mum to host today when her own mother's just passed away.😯

I know right..poor bugger.

They can't get themselves to a shop or buy things easily
They haven’t been in a shop for the past weeks? They can’t ask DH to order for them on amazon?

My kids are 11, DD baked me a cake and DS wrote me a poem. They both made me a
homemade card.
Honestly, if your DH reminded them you can’t blame him for not doing more.

I bet it was his mum pushing him to make an effort for all those years before. Or he did it because he knew his mum would ask what him and the kids did for you? (maybe even for comparisons sake 😆).

This has been for the last 2 years from when the children were 11 and 7. Both primary age or year 7 (depending on birthdays) and still needing prompting/taking to the shops. So the house expectation is to do nothing. He sets the tone for the day and as he is openly dismissive then they will pick up on this.

I still think at this age the kids can still need a nudge (and possibly money depending on if they get pocket money). We live rural, the only way my kids at that age were buying anything would be if my husband took them.

It is the thought that counts and it is very clear he isn’t putting any thought into it at all.

But also definitely don’t make an effort for father’s day either.

The replies on this thread, and other similar threads, are fucking depressing.

A 9 year old and a 13 year old should be able to contribute to mothers day celebrations, sure. Their father should also be showing them how to treat their mother in a respectful and considerate way. I want my sons to grow up and treat their wives well, not as an afterthought, "because she's not my mum". SHE IS THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.

Honestly, the bar is so low for men.

The problem I see is that sometimes children, even adults, when someone says to do something they haven’t a clue what they are supposed to do.
Their minds go blank and need suggestions to get their brains to get on track.
So they might be capable of making a card, they might have everything they need to make a card but without the suggestion they don’t know they could make a card
Bit surprised at people saying 9 year old can go to the shops and buy whatever on their own

I know that growing up and even now it takes a car journey to actually get to the shops. Not everyone lives near a shop.

The dh needs to grow up and stop acting like a mopey teenager and start acting like a father. Yes he might be grieving but if he is capable of getting up and going to work and holding down a job, he is capable of helping his children to get or make cards, buy a box of chocolates and/or a bunch of flowers, and make breakfast in bed. It doesn’t take a lot.

Only thing you can do is make sure Father’s Day is ignored

Do you know your kids love and appreciate you?
If so, just bin the entire thing off. Life has been much better for me since doing this. I don't even bother reminding my adult and teen kids it's Father's Day anymore. Life is much simpler

My step kids are 14 and 17. I know they're old enough to sort out MD themselves, but they're young, and they forget things. I have to remind them a good few times and help them to pick stuff up/out. It's fine, she deserves to have a nice day, and I don't want her to feel sad. I understand that your DH has experienced a massive loss, but I don't think that means you should have to have a crap mother's day.

The kids could have made a card, you heard him remind them. It’s only been 2 years so he’s still grieving his mother, as other posters have said, you’re not his mother so not his responsibility at that age.

My kids are 12 and 8 and they spent all day yesterday baking things for afternoon tea and making me a card. It’s all meant to be a surprise but our house isn’t exactly soundproofed! My husband had very little to do with any of it minus safety help for my younger one. I think your kids are old enough to lead on something for you now, particularly as it’s bound to be a tricky day for your DH

He reminded them to get it sorted

Sometimes even adults need clearer instructions

Why can’t the 13 year old get to a shop?! The kids should be doing this.

Dh is being an ass. He need to take kids to the shops. Ffs even local supermarket and a nice bunch flowers.

If he has done bugger all. I'd take dc out. Give them some money and ask them to pick a mothers day gift.

Depends. Bit better where we live atm but when dc were 13 there wasn’t even pavements or a bus service where we lived and the nearest shop was a garage on a dual carriage way 2-3 miles away

If he has OCD getting through each day will be a struggle.

Why you on here OP? Because you don’t want to hear anything that doesn’t fit with your narrative. You’re not interested in opinions that don’t back up how awful it is for you. So why are you on here asking? Just tell yourself you’re right, it’s awful etc. because no one can dare disagree with you anyway.

At 9 and 13 they should be old enough to help each other sort something. I don't think this is on him.

And two years is nothing. Grief isn't linear.