Is this what my mothers day will be going forward now?

[FishersGate]

Dh had a very emeshed relationship with his DM. She passed over 2 years ago after a short illness 79yrs. He's got ocd anxiety despite lots of counselling still bitter about losing his dm.

Together 29 years and have always accepted within reason now after counselling i am and was second best to his dm. I have enabled this.

We have two DC 13yrs and 9yrs. He however did always go to some effort with them for me and mothers day. Since his own dm it's nothing. Last year being was 2nd mothers day and apart from a card nothing. 1st mothers day it was only 2 months after dm passing so didn't expect much.

This year we have a sports final at lunchtime no ones fault. But he kept saying in ear shot if me yesterday come on kids you need to get sorted. Its your mothers day tomorrow etc. He hasn't forced them to a shop etc for a card. I know today he will say well I told them etc etc.

His tone is completely different and it's now like he can't be bothered as his own dm isn't here.

Or am I being unfair as my children are older?

My husband was still taking his older kids to get Mother’s Day cards/gifts for his ex wife up until the eldest was 16. He’d remind them and give them money to buy cards/gifts, but it was on them to sort. I’d say 13 & 9 is still a little young to take ownership themselves just yet. But then again, it depends on the children. I was making my mum cards and dragging my Dad out to buy a present from a younger age, but my brother didn’t take ownership himself until he was in his 20’s!

I think this is a poor effort from DH and your children. Yes, ideally at 9 and 13 they would remember to do something. I have DD's 9 and 5, they had made me cards and brought me breakfast in bed, DH brought me chocs and flowers.

The children should be getting a card, not him!

There have been a few posts like this. I do think once DC are secondary school they should be able to sort out a card and small gift (with a guidance from the other parent- reminding them and making sure they have money).

Yeah, some people will go to any lengths to blame the kids rather than the grown man.

I have been to see my mum this morning before sports start

You're not his mum.

But he kept saying in ear shot if me yesterday come on kids you need to get sorted. Its your mothers day tomorrow etc

You heard him telling his kids to sort mothers day for you perhaps that isnt the only time he's told them.

The 9 year old can make a card if they wanted to. If they've been told and haven't bothered why is it your dhs fault.

My own mother died just over a year ago and I get your dhs point. I don't want to hear about bloody mothers day and the princessy behaviour in thinking youre not appreciated if your kids and dh don't throw roses at your feet all day.

Now I've lost my mother when I think of her and what I do miss I dont even think of the forced greeting card holidays.

Also mothers day doesn't exist here. Its mothering sunday. It's religious and tied to easter being the fourth sunday in lent. Where everybody used to visit their mother church on this day where they were raised.

Why do you say he is 'bitter' about his mum dying? Thats a very negative word to describe grief.

Happy Mothers Day fishersgate x We are conditioned to have very low expectations of the men in our lives aren't we? Think of all the hard work you do for your children now tell me why this man can not honor that and show appreciation for one special day? It's a con it should be every day. That's why it hurts so much.

Not my words his own words..

I don't expect roses etc at my own feet.

I bet you do lots for your DH for Father’s Day though. He should pull his finger out so tell him to stop being a selfish jerk.

Clearly you do expect something as you're on here complaining.

If you only expected a card and your kids didn't make or buy one despite being told yesterday that's on them.

I don’t think he should be doing the MD things (buying a card, or making a breakfast in bed etc). But I do think he should be speaking to the boys about doing it, not just watching them forget/make no effort to recognize the day* and letting it slide.

I have lost a parent and it’s devastating - but to be bitter about losing a parent at the age they’re supposed to go is ridiculous. To use it as an excuse to be a shitty husband and dad is unforgivable.

You sound very angry. I don't expect him to do things for me a bit of appreciation and effort as the mother of his growing children is all. Encourage the same effort he had he fir for his own mum.

They’re 9 and 13! They need a bit of help with things like this!

Your problem is that you accepted being second best for 29 years.

It sounds as if it’s actually more than that - that he doesn’t care about you much at all.

As someone who also lost a parent, who died in horrific unexpected circumstances about 35 years before they were supposed to, I’m going to say this: you don’t get to be nasty to people and wave the “I lost my mum” flag as justification. Calling the OP a princess because she expects an effort on Mother’s Day is nasty. Would YOUR mum be a princess for expecting something from you?

Also MASSIVE yawn at “Mother’s Day doesn’t exist” 🙄 nobody likes a pedantic fucker

It's not being a pedant if it's true

Also no one likes foul language. Calm down and wash your mouth out for mothers day x

@ThisUniqueDreamer not to be a pendant, but ALL pedantry is true. Otherwise it's not pedantry.

At 9 and 13, your kids are old enough to sort something for Mothers day. Surely they could've made you a cup of tea and some toast?

I’m sorry OP, he could at least have taken them out to get you a little present.
It doesn’t sound like he is bothered about making the day special for you at all…or any day really.
Happy Mothers Day to you💐

You still sound very bitter and resentful of your dead MIL. I mean this kindly: talk to someone, OP. A professional. This mindset is not healthy and it's poisoning your own life, your relationship with your DH and possibly with your own kids.

I agree with this 100%.
Even if he’s still struggling with his grief. It’s important your boys learn to put themselves out a bit, make an effort for the women in their lives.
He sounds like he may be depressed and it also sounds (like other posters have said) that it would be good for you to also talk to a therapist.
Try and do something nice for you today x