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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

85 replies

InadequateHummingbird · 29/03/2025 09:47

I’m absolutely livid and don’t know if I’m overreacting. DH has a close mate, let’s call him Steve. Steve has been married for years, kids, the works. Well, turns out Steve has been having an affair, and DH has been covering for him.

I found out because Steve’s wife messaged me out of the blue asking if DH was with Steve on a particular night. I had no clue what she was on about, so I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. DH insists it’s ‘not his business’ and that he was just being a mate, but I’m furious that he not only condoned it but actively helped! I told him he’s betrayed Steve’s wife just as much as Steve has, and now I’m questioning what kind of man I’m married to.

For context, DH has never given me any reason to think he’d cheat, but now I can’t help but feel differently about him. If he thinks lying and covering up an affair is fine, what does that say about him? I also feel awful for Steve’s wife should I tell her the truth?

AIBU to think DH has crossed a massive line here? Or is this just ‘lads being lads’ and I need to get over it? I’m so angry I can’t even look at him right now.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 29/03/2025 09:49

I’d be annoyed to at being put in that position

GaspingGekko · 29/03/2025 09:49

I would see DH in a totally different way if I found that out about him.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2025 09:50

I wouldn't lie for them. Your DH is condoning cheating, so it wouldn't be out of the realms of possibility that given the chance, he would go for it.

wrongthinker · 29/03/2025 09:50

Omg, that's awful. I agree it would be hard not to look at him differently after that. Some deep conversation is needed I think.

As for telling the wife... maybe your DH should be the one to do that.

Onlyvisiting · 29/03/2025 09:51

Yanbu.
He is condoning cheating. I'd find that incredibly hard to forgive

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/03/2025 09:53

I couldn't see my dh in the same way. He obviously wouldn't have a moral code that alligns with mine if he would go along with it. Cheating is a massive no no and I'm not sure my marriage would survive finding out he didn't feel the same way.

Haggisfish3 · 29/03/2025 09:54

A one off emergency cover I could forgive but not an ongoing situation like this one.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 29/03/2025 09:56

Oh what a disappointing man.

Original poster
InadequateHummingbird · 29/03/2025 09:56

GaspingGekko · 29/03/2025 09:49

I would see DH in a totally different way if I found that out about him.

Exactly this!! I just feel like I don’t even know who he is now. It’s not even about the cheating itself (although that’s awful), it’s the fact he was willing to lie and cover for him like it’s no big deal. Makes me wonder what else he’d be willing to lie about.

He keeps saying it’s ‘not his business’ but I don’t get how he can be so casual about it. If one of my friends was cheating, I’d be disgusted, not helping them pull it off!! Feel sick thinking about it.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2025 09:58

I would be annoyed with my DH, especially if he dragged me into it
What did you tell the wife? I wouldn't lie to her

RubyOrca · 29/03/2025 09:59

I’d tell the wife. She has a right to decide for herself if she’s ok being in a relationship with a husband who is sleeping with other people. There’s a good chance she’s having sex with her husband in the belief that it’s a closed, and therefore safe, relationship. This is a consent issue.

I’d also be looking to have serious discussions with your husband about his attitude to marriage and affairs. Honestly something like this would shake my trust a lot. This isn’t covering or keeping quiet about a past mistake from long ago, or even something he could rationalise as yeah he made a huge mistake and really regrets it and is desperate to save his marriage. This is him taking multiple deliberate actions to help someone cheat, and being completely ok with that.

ButterBeans91 · 29/03/2025 10:00

I would also be livid and disgusted with him.

He’s made you complicit as well now. Only you can decide how to respond to the wife but I would not be lying to her. If you really don’t want to be the one to break the news, I would probably say that your DH was home with you - give her the chance to figure it out.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/03/2025 10:00

I can't say I'd definitely be 'disgusted' if my friend told me they were having an affair. But I wouldn't agree to cover their tracks. Unless I had literally never met their current partner and the friend was telling me they were horrible, abusive etc.

Maray1967 · 29/03/2025 10:01

I would tell the wife- and make it clear that you’re disgusted with your own H and can barely look at him. And I’d make his life hell, to be honest. He needs to know that covering for his mate in this way has bad consequences for him.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 29/03/2025 10:02

He keeps saying it’s ‘not his business’

And this is exactly how men get away with their misogynistic, disrespectful, disgusting behaviour, that and boys being boys ergh

How did a village of men get away with raping Gisell.....etc

Original poster
InadequateHummingbird · 29/03/2025 10:05

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2025 09:58

I would be annoyed with my DH, especially if he dragged me into it
What did you tell the wife? I wouldn't lie to her

Same, I’m so angry he’s dragged me into this! If he wants to be an idiot, that’s on him, but now I’m stuck in the middle and feel awful for her.

I haven’t outright told her, but I also didn’t lie. I just said she’d have to speak to Steve about it. She 100% knows something is off though. I feel like I should just tell her everything, but then DH will go mad at me for ‘getting involved’. Like he hasn’t already involved me by being a massive idiot!!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/03/2025 10:05

This has put you in a difficult position. But Iit's not up to you to tell the wife IMHO. Your DH should stop covering up for his mate. Keep out of it yourself is the safest option.

Chocolateeggsandsugaredalmonds · 29/03/2025 10:06

InadequateHummingbird · 29/03/2025 09:56

Exactly this!! I just feel like I don’t even know who he is now. It’s not even about the cheating itself (although that’s awful), it’s the fact he was willing to lie and cover for him like it’s no big deal. Makes me wonder what else he’d be willing to lie about.

He keeps saying it’s ‘not his business’ but I don’t get how he can be so casual about it. If one of my friends was cheating, I’d be disgusted, not helping them pull it off!! Feel sick thinking about it.

Show quote history

Yes, this. I’d be asking him to take a long hard look at his own moral compass and his approach to commitment and honesty. I would be totally shocked and shaken if my husband did this.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/03/2025 10:07

Ask him how he'd feel if you were helping Steve's wife cheat and he knew and had to look Steve in the eye knowing he's being disrespected betrayed.
I'm sure he wouldn't like it very much.

UndermyShoeJoe · 29/03/2025 10:07

By covering for him he made it his business.

His how part of the lie the story. So when she finds out it’s even more heartbreaking and embarrassing that all these people knew and didn’t tell her and covered. She will sit there thinking of the times you’ve all been together and knew and think you where all laughing behind her back.

Id also imagine the type of man who covers is the type of man who would also ask someone to cover…

category12 · 29/03/2025 10:09

It tells you a lot about your dh's attitude to fidelity and marriage, and that's nothing good.

If he'll cover up for a mate, that'll go both ways.

Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Chocolateeggsandsugaredalmonds · 29/03/2025 10:09

And yes, if Steve doesn’t tell his wife then I think she should know. Otherwise you will be complicit in helping I’m conceal his affair. Obviously she will (quite rightly) be very angry with your husband.

Chersfrozenface · 29/03/2025 10:11

It tells you a lot about your dh's attitude to fidelity and marriage, and that's nothing good.

Absolutely. If it were me in this situation, I'd be watching my own back.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 29/03/2025 10:12

How utterly vile. I don't know if I could be intimate with a man who has such low morals.

To actively help someone cheat on not only his wife, but the mother of his children?? He is helping her to be betrayed, but also she could be exposed to STIs.

True consent needs all information. Your DHs friend is sexually assaulting his wife because she absolutely would not consent if she knew. He is withholding information that would change everything.

Your DH is assisting in the violation of a woman emotionally AND physically.

Cheating is abuse. Plain and simple.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 29/03/2025 10:14

I’d be absolutely livid. I think I would tell the wife. I would also tell DH he had to stop any contact with Steve entirely if he wanted to regain my trust. What the hell was he thinking?!