AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

[InadequateHummingbird]

I’m absolutely livid and don’t know if I’m overreacting. DH has a close mate, let’s call him Steve. Steve has been married for years, kids, the works. Well, turns out Steve has been having an affair, and DH has been covering for him.

I found out because Steve’s wife messaged me out of the blue asking if DH was with Steve on a particular night. I had no clue what she was on about, so I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. DH insists it’s ‘not his business’ and that he was just being a mate, but I’m furious that he not only condoned it but actively helped! I told him he’s betrayed Steve’s wife just as much as Steve has, and now I’m questioning what kind of man I’m married to.

For context, DH has never given me any reason to think he’d cheat, but now I can’t help but feel differently about him. If he thinks lying and covering up an affair is fine, what does that say about him? I also feel awful for Steve’s wife should I tell her the truth?

AIBU to think DH has crossed a massive line here? Or is this just ‘lads being lads’ and I need to get over it? I’m so angry I can’t even look at him right now.

WWYD?

That’s such a good point! I actually said something similar, like how would he feel if the roles were reversed and I was covering for one of my mates cheating? He just went all huffy and said it’s ‘different’ because men don’t get involved in each other’s relationships the same way women do. Absolute rubbish.

I know for a fact if I was lying to help a mate cheat, he’d be furious. But apparently, because it’s his mate, it’s just ‘helping out’. I can’t even look at him right now, I’m so disgusted.

If my very best friend said she was with me I would not tell her partner she is lying. I would tell her I was uncomfortable with the lie, encourage her to end the affair or the relationship and that I dont agree with cheating. So I wouldn't be happy or codone it but my loyalty would be to friend so I wouldn't tell partner either.

I still think cheating is very wrong and would never do it myself. So perhaps your partner is similar.

ETA if it were couples friends and I was friends with both then I would definitely not allow the lie.

For Steve's wife to have contacted you to ask if her husband was with yours on a particular night, suggests that she's suspicious. Steve may think he's being careful but clearly he must be showing outward signs that have triggered his wife to investigate. You have now been put in a very awkward position, you either have to go along with the lie, tell your husband to tell Steve he needs to confess to his wife, end the relationship with the OW or you don't cover for either of them. In all honesty, I suspect men covering for each other is common, and yes it would make you look at your husband differently, because it's obvious Steve would reciprocate if the shoe were on the other foot. You need a serious conversation with your husband, because you've both now been dragged into someone else's marriage. Your husband must now stop providing Steve with an alibi, at the absolute least.

I'd feel exactly the same and would be questioning what his ACTUAL views on fidelity are.

Steve is an idiot- the best way for anyone to find out about an affair is to drag a whole load of other people into it. If he's going to cheat he shouldn't drag his best mate into it. Your DH should have told him not to involve him. I wouldn't be "disgusted" but I'd be disappointed for sure because it sounds like your DH didn't think this through and his nonchalant response was a bit spineless.

i am with you on this. This poor woman clearly feels something is off that she’s reaching out to ask her husbands whereabouts. And I’m sure he’s giving her some kind of guff that she’s paranoid, mad, doesn’t let him have any freedom, nag etc.
Very sad.

He can tell you that it's not his business but can't tell the mate it's not his business and doesn't want to be involved.

I would say to the wife that no he wasn't with your husband and I would want to see my husband telling his mate that he is no longer to use his name as alibi.

I'd be questioning whether any "nights out with the lads", were, in fact, just that. After all if he can lie for his mates then, surely, they'd be prepared to lie for him.

What on earth would that scenario be? I can't imagine.

It’s either ‘not his business’ or he’s ’helping a friend out’, he should pick a lane. And either lane is shit.

By covering for his cheating friend, he's made it his business and also yours! If she asks you anything again, I would tell her the truth. She deserves to know that her husband is a lying cheating scumbag.

I would also feel differently about my DH if I knew he'd covered for a cheating friend. By doing that, he would be condoning the cheating.

As to what to tell the wife - that your husband isnt with Steve if he isnt.

Exactly!! It’s really made me question what he actually thinks about cheating. Like, does he secretly think it’s not that bad? Or that it’s fine as long as you don’t get caught? Because I always thought we were on the same page about this, but clearly not.

I asked him outright if he’d ever do the same and he got all defensive, saying, ‘Of course not!’ But then why is he so comfortable with it when it’s someone else? Just makes me feel like I don’t actually know him as well as I thought.

If it's 'not his business' then he should have kept out of it altogether

Tell Steve's wife the truth and know this, never ever trust your husband again.

Good men do not do this.
He believes cheating is fine, that's why he is covering for a friend.

Tell yourself whatever you like but this is the bottom line.

HE dragged you into this and has made a liar of you if you lie to Steve's wife.

I would tell her you have found out and you want no part in it.

You don't have to do anything today or anyday, just know exactly the type of man you are with.

If you did respond to the wife that as far as you knew Steve was not with DH on that night would your DH go mad with you and choose Steve over you? I would be angry to be dragged in to it and certainly wondering why DH thinks it is ok for his friend to treat his wife and children in such a way that will cause them all massive damage when it comes out.

If the wife is your friend then I think you should let her know what a cheating bastard her husband is.

Imo you cant be angry at your dh if you aren't honest with his wife..

I'd tell her the truth - he wasnt with dh that night - and brazenly tell your husband you've told her and let him have his reaction.

its not yourjob to mange your stupid husbands feelings.

I'm sorry to say but I'd be wondering if Steve has ever done the same for your husband and they have a bit of a pact. I couldn't ever trust him again, But then I was cheated on and he lied and lied and lied until I got evidence. One of the word things was when I realised all his workmates knew (AP was someone at work) and no one told me.

In your situation when she first asked i wouldn't have fobbed her off, assuming you knew Steve wasn't with your husband on the date in question. Now, I'd not be prepared to participate in the lie and would let her know there was a cover up, even if that causes trouble with your husband.

She is clearly suspicious and he's gaslighting her with this cover up - she's probably feels like she's going insane. She has the right to make informed decisions about her future and she can't if you and your husband are keeping the truth from her.

Lads being lads is bollocks. He has despicably low standards. He needs to stop, immediately and work damned hard to earn your trust again.

I could not see him as a honest trustworthy man, ongoing covering for him cheating would also make me think they have the same morals and cover for each other, I’d tell the wife too.

If it really was 'none of his business', he would have told his friend not to use him as an alibi. He has made it his business by lying to facilitate his friend's cheating on his wife. He has now put you in an awful position.

He obviously doesn't think that his friend is doing anything wrong if he is willing to help him cover it up. I'd re-think my relationship with him.

I'm not clear on just how involved your dh has been tbh.

The specifics and his attitude make a big difference imo.

1. He's highly disapproving, has told his mate so but said he's not getting involved and turned a blind eye to what he was telling his wife - no 'active' involvement.
2. Has been supportive to his friend in cheating and had active involvement such as messaging his mates wife to confirm he's with him.

I would view the two very differently tbph.

"So when she finds out it’s even more heartbreaking and embarrassing that all these people knew and didn’t tell her and covered. She will sit there thinking of the times you’ve all been together and knew and think you where all laughing behind her back."

This is completely true. I've been in her position and felt so betrayed, even my own parents knew and said nothing.

It is his business as he’s involved! And now dragged you into it too!