AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

[InadequateHummingbird]

I’m absolutely livid and don’t know if I’m overreacting. DH has a close mate, let’s call him Steve. Steve has been married for years, kids, the works. Well, turns out Steve has been having an affair, and DH has been covering for him.

I found out because Steve’s wife messaged me out of the blue asking if DH was with Steve on a particular night. I had no clue what she was on about, so I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. DH insists it’s ‘not his business’ and that he was just being a mate, but I’m furious that he not only condoned it but actively helped! I told him he’s betrayed Steve’s wife just as much as Steve has, and now I’m questioning what kind of man I’m married to.

For context, DH has never given me any reason to think he’d cheat, but now I can’t help but feel differently about him. If he thinks lying and covering up an affair is fine, what does that say about him? I also feel awful for Steve’s wife should I tell her the truth?

AIBU to think DH has crossed a massive line here? Or is this just ‘lads being lads’ and I need to get over it? I’m so angry I can’t even look at him right now.

WWYD?

His living by what she doesn’t know don’t hurt her…

Not good.

I’d tell her he wasn’t with him, or you’re also lying, which I don’t think you want to do, do you? Your Dh is awful for covering for him.

Switch this round OP. If it was your DH cheating and Steve was covering for him and his wife found out, what would you want her to do?

Do that.

This happens a lot. It could be that DH is happy to do a favour and favours are returned or it could just be that he's agreed to provide an alibi just out of loyalty to his mate and he would never consider cheating himself.

OP, I would tell Steve's wife though. I think she has a right to know what's going on and she obviously has her suspicions already and must be in torment. Do the decent thing and let her know and then she can decide what to do with that information.

The op should message the wife and say I think you should call me. Then suggest she ask you where your dh was at the time in question. Then suggest she ask you who your dh was with.
then tell your dh that she called ans asked this and you told her the truth as he had never signed you up to lying to anyone to cover up their having an affair and nor would you be signed up to helping some man cheat on his wife with his children at home (I’d say the dc ages and compare them to ours!) 🐻 You should tell him the truth- that you’re disappointed in him, look at him a little differently now and trust him less.

The 'none of my business excuse' is ridiculous too. He's literally made it his business by agreeing to cover! What he actually needed to say was 'sorry, no, I'm not getting involved'.

I can't get over his views on men vs women in this situation though. Because that sounds a lot like he thinks it's OK for guys to cheat because 'that's just what they are like'.

What?

This is AIBU. OP is literally asking for opinions. You gave yours. I disagreed with you.

Thats how it works.

I'd be angry at Steve for putting your DH in that position.
He most likely didn't ask permission and wouldn't find it easy to drop a mate in it!

By not telling her straight away in my eyes you're now condoning both Steve's behaviour and your DHs! If I was Steve's wife there would be no comeback from your lying by omission - I would literally never trust you again, because I wouldn't be able to know whether or not you'd known all along!

I’ve seen plenty of replies to threads of “My friend is having an affair” saying that covering for them is the right thing to do, they’re your friend,