AIBU to be absolutely fuming at DH for helping his mate cheat?

[InadequateHummingbird]

I’m absolutely livid and don’t know if I’m overreacting. DH has a close mate, let’s call him Steve. Steve has been married for years, kids, the works. Well, turns out Steve has been having an affair, and DH has been covering for him.

I found out because Steve’s wife messaged me out of the blue asking if DH was with Steve on a particular night. I had no clue what she was on about, so I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. DH insists it’s ‘not his business’ and that he was just being a mate, but I’m furious that he not only condoned it but actively helped! I told him he’s betrayed Steve’s wife just as much as Steve has, and now I’m questioning what kind of man I’m married to.

For context, DH has never given me any reason to think he’d cheat, but now I can’t help but feel differently about him. If he thinks lying and covering up an affair is fine, what does that say about him? I also feel awful for Steve’s wife should I tell her the truth?

AIBU to think DH has crossed a massive line here? Or is this just ‘lads being lads’ and I need to get over it? I’m so angry I can’t even look at him right now.

WWYD?

That poor woman. I’d tell her and give my DH hell for his stupidity.

not condoning this behaviour but imagine if your close friend was having an affair and asked you to keep it a secret you probably would? i mean i know i would despite not agreeing with it. just because your husbands mate is cheating doesn’t mean your husband is. have a chat with him about it and explain how it’s made you feel and that you don’t condone that sort of behaviour

I'd tell him to let Steve know he has 24 hours to confess to his wife before I tell her.
I've been in the position of being the last one to know and it's shit.

I would assume the wife has a very strong inkling her husband is cheating which is why she rang to see if he was with your husband. As someone who was driven mad by “knowing” my partner was cheating on me but not knowing officially, I would tell the wife. Or if you’re feeling charitable, telling dickhead Steve he has 24 hours to tell her or you will.

And to answer your Aibu I would be very, very disappointed in my husband for this. Knowing and not telling is one thing, not his business, I get that. But actively getting involved by covering for his sack of shit mate, nah. That’s another level.

But OP's DH is actively helping his friend cheat on his wife. OP said that;

'he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.'

They have come to an arrangement whereby OP's DH facilitates his friend's affair by proving an alibi every time his friend goes out with the OW. OP has now been put in a horrible situation as she was contacted by the wife.

His loyalty seems to be with his cheating friend rather than with OP.

If your DH thinks it’s ok to help a mate to have an affair, I’d be worried what else he considered ok to lie about.
He’s dragged you into this and the mate’s wife obviously has doubts about her cheating bastard of a husband, so I’d at least tell her that your ‘D’H has been lying for him and let her take it from there. Otherwise you know too and that’s shit not to let the poor woman know and make her own choices.

I'd be furious. A (now ex) friend of mine used me as an alibi (I didn't know she'd been doing this!) when SHE was cheating on her DP. Her DP was also a good friend of mine, and her DP's sister is one of my best friends.

The first I knew of any cheating was when my BF and her DB where asking me where she and I had gone on a particular day/if we enjoyed the day out. I was confused and told them what I'd been doing, and that she'd told me she had a hair appointment/was meeting another friend. They then explained the situation and I realised that I'd been used like that. It was a horrible position to be put in, I don't condone infidelity. I'd really not had a clue what the hell ex friend had been doing. Had I known, I wouldn't have kept quiet and would have told her not to involve me in what she was doing.

Yeah i agree that is different. If he is actively sending messages to prove they are planning night out or whatever that is wrong. I took it to mean friend was using dh as an alabi and he wasn't denying it or correcting it. Misread that bit.

No I wouldn’t. I’d be anbs horrified. And I’d be having serious thoughts about whether or not I wanted to continue the friendship.

I may keep a friends secret by ommison in so much as if I knew I’d not go out of my way to tell- it’s always the messenger that gets shot and none of my business frankly.

HOWEVER, I’d not be an active part of a lie or cover for them! OP your dh is being massively contradictory- if it’s not his business he should have made sure it’s not his bloody business! He let himself, and by association you, get involved! If he didn’t want to be involved he should have said “look Steve, your my mate and I’m not here to judge, it’s your life and not my business, but I don’t want to be involved or get mixed up in this so I can’t lie for you man. I won’t tell, but I’d rather you kept me out of it! Cheers”

I can’t believe he’s taken on such involvement as to be colluding in the lie but is also demanding that you do t get involved and it’s none of your (collective) business!

That poor woman is being gaslit and probably feels desperate if she’s asking you to confirm the truth- her dh is lying, your dh is lying, she knows something is up and is surrounded by lies and is being manipulated into thinking she’s in the wrong! But of course- that’s none of your dhs business! Don’t get involved! Poor poor woman.

I would absolutely not agree to keep that friend’s secret. Infidelity is despicable. If you are unhappy with your partner, leave them.

Why should OP have to explain to her husband that she doesn’t condone such behaviour. Surely that goes without saying amongst decent people?

There's absolutely no way I would stay with anyone who demonstrates the utter lack of integrity that your husband clearly does. It would be a complete deal breaker for me and I would be out of there.

Tell him he has shitty morals and that he can lie if he wants to but you won't be lowering yourself to the same level.

I agree with this. I'd cover for a friend if they asked me to and it wouldn't mean I'd ever cheat myself. It's not about 'lads being lads' as I'm a middle-aged woman, but I like my friends and wouldn't judge them for their relationships. What your DH means by it 'not being his business' I would take to mean that you never truly know what goes on in someone else's marriage so aren't really in position to tell them what they should and shouldn't be doing, within reason. I agree that now it's affecting you, a line's been crossed and the jig is probably up anyway. It's okay to annoying at the awkward position he's put you in, but I wouldn't be extrapolating this to mean he's immoral scum who'd cheat on you.

I would tell Steve’s wife the truth. Otherwise you aren’t much better than DH are you?

This would actually be a deal breaker for me as it would make me consider him differently. I have zero tolerance for cheaters and I would also tell his wife

His mate seems to be the real problem here. He shouldn't have provided an alibi but DH has probably been put in just as awkward a position by the mate unless he volunteered to lie for him. Having been put in a similar situation it's not always a matter of being a willing participant. I didn't find out til afterwards that I was being used as an alibi.

This from OP sounds as though her DH chose to take an active role in covering up what his mate is doing:

'I asked DH, and he sheepishly admitted that yes, he’d been ‘helping’ Steve by giving him an alibi. Apparently, Steve would tell his wife he was out with DH when really he was off shagging OW.'

Surely her DH could just have said, 'leave me out of it mate'. He knew he was being used as an alibi so was a willing participant.

Wow I’d be really angry.

Urgh. I wouldn’t necessarily assume he’d do the same to me, but it would certainly colour my view of his morality and that would make me love and respect him less. Just being a mate? A proper mate would say ‘nah pal it’s wrong what you’re doing and I’m not going to make it easier for you’ even if that meant losing him as a friend. Not giving a big manly toxic thumbs up by lying for him. How disgusting. I couldn’t look at him the same way again. Even worse that you’ve ended up being dragged into it. I know folk will say none of your business and you shouldn’t tell his wife but ask yourself what you would want her to do in your position…..

I am totally with you OP. If your DH truly believed it was none of his business, he would have told his friend to not use him as an alibi and keep him out of it.
I would be questioning a lot right now.
I would also tell his friends wife “no they weren’t together, my husband has been lying and covering up for him..”

This would definitely make me question DHs integrity and morals. He thinks its ok for his friend to cheat so what makes him any different. I would've told Steves wife the truth tbh and let the chips fall where they may. I agree with PPs that it doesnt make you much better lying to her, you know Steve wasnt with your DH so tell her that. I would be furious at DH for putting us in this situation and I honestly dont know if I could forgive him. Saying its none of his business but hes made it his business by agreeing to do this.

Tell her the truth. You don’t have to say Steve is having an affair. But you can tell her what you know as 100% true and that’s that your DH wasn’t with Steve that night and he admitted he knew Steve had said he was.
tell her that you’re deeply sorry and disgusted with both of the blokes.

Your DH made it your business when he made it his business by being an alibi but be prepared that Steve may decide to reveal some horrible truths about your husband now.

ok that’s your opinion like i’ve stated mine. no need to argue on someone else’s thread. All respect each others opinions and move along :)

Yeah, with Steve returning the favour