To say I’ve had enough of adhd

[Adhdohno]

I am ready to leave it’s been 20 years, my oh has adhd I have had enough- 5 times today I’ve had to stop what I’m doing to fetch my 1 year old off the stairs as oh keeps forgetting to close the safety gate.
he can’t find anything, I’ve spent 20 years finding his things, same story every morning can’t find his keys, accuses me of hiding them. Today I have sat watching him look for his shoe when I can clearly see it. I’m at my wits end.
the baby has tipped a full glass of juice over himself what oh has left on the floor, guess who has to change him… while oh simply drys the juice with a towel not actually cleaning it properly. Next the baby has his fingers in a can what oh has left within reach.
he can’t remember a conversation about the kids Easter eggs what we had yesterday.
to top it all off my eldest son also has adhd and the noise is driving me insane.

How ADHD presents varies a lot. Due to risky behaviours and impulsivity a lot are managing trauma too. Then when you factor in managing a job and children it’s a bit silly to say do a course.

Does he work, does the op? If he’s managing a job he will be exhausted and wiped out once at home.

You are only one person, and there are only so many hours on the day. I completely understand how you feel, my ex has adhd. It did get to the point where it had become detrimental to my mental health, and he didn’t seem keen on any of the suggestions I made to him to help himself so we separated after the resentment became too much.
He's unlikely to change, unless he medicates and seriously looks at strategies he can develop.

Exactly this. I believe I have ADHD and have a confirmed diagnosis of autism. I have strategies to cope, as I have no choice but to cope.

I see a lot of men blame ND conditions as an excuse to be useless and NT men who are similarly useless but use a different excuse.

This is a "D" H problem, not an ADHD problem

Sounds like it’s not that you’ve had enough of ADHD but you’ve had enough of DH failure to try and manage his condition.

The quote disappeared but pp was making a point how ADHD women don't get to make excuses like men do

Errr they do

Loses

Your husband doesn’t get to choose you being his career as his response to his healthcare needs.

There are treatments and management strategies that he could investigate and genuinely try. His ADHD is impacting you as well. While ultimately it’s his choice what healthcare he accepts - it’s your choice what behaviour you accept. If he has no interest in how your wellness (and your child’s ) is affected by his choices why should you revolve your life around him?

Someone raised the what if he was blind example. My answer to that if he refuses to use a cane/guide dog, and won’t learn Braille or use speech to text, but instead expected you to navigate him through the world - that would be unreasonable. No difference here. You need to sit down at a time when you aren’t wanting to scream and talk calmly about how his actions are affecting you. You need to ask him to see a specialist and be willing to be open to treatment and using coping strategies (not everything is medication!). Specialists are expensive - but so are divorces. I think your ability to cope with these impacts would be different if he was actively working to address the impacts of his health in you.

I have to agree.

Maybe 20% of what you're struggling with relates to his ADHD. The rest is that your husband is a complete arse and trying to guilt you by saying it's his ADHD to make you the bad guy here.

My ADHD DH, as I've said, can drive me to distraction with certain things. But he's very good at others. Which on balance makes it all worth it, in a nutshell. He lives like a pig (to me, I'm a tidy person), because he just doesn't see the mess and generates piles of clutter around the house, and stuff gets strewn about as he's lost the thing that was in his hand 2 minutes ago, and he should have left the house 10 minutes ago...

But. He does the dishwasher. He does all the car stuff (more than it sounds, we've got 4) He does some school runs. We like the same TV, we eat nice things and he tries to cook for me from time to time. The biggie is that he earns 6 figures, full time, and does little side hustles. And that income makes life easier for all of us.

Don't get me wrong. He can be a prize prat with the best of them. We all can. But it's not because of his ADHD and I'd actually get pretty incensed if he behaved like your DH, then pretended it was his ADHD and I was some kind of ableist arsehole for picking on his disability, rather than being accountable for his unrelated shitty behaviour.

I’ve attended a lot of things which both sexes attend.

I’ve seen far more women not working due to adhd. Women blaming adhd and calling themselves “useless”and not sorting life admin, bills, cars etc. The assumption seems to be men have to work regardless. They are then expected to hold it in all day to keep jobs and then be NT too at home. It’s not feasible. Many women say adhd makes pmt and menopause worse.

I have empathy for both. I am a woman.Both sexes need to be able to feel supported in work, both need to work, both need support with juggling work, children, life admin and adhd. My husband has a stressful job and does a lot of the life admin. I don’t have the job I should have but I function better at times with my adhd because I have a less stressful job and help with life admin. When I’m overloaded I struggle not to fall apart. It’s about balance and managing it all the best you can. Something has to give.

We need to know more about the breakdown of work, children and life admin as regards the op but even then we don’t know the complete picture of the husband’s adhd. It varies hugely and many have autism too on top.

Wow so your husband is supposed to manage adhd , a 6 figure job, the car, and do his share of cooking and school runs etc. What do you do, do you have a 6 figure job too? You sound very entitled.

Aww bless ya! ADHD is hard work isn’t it? My eldest son has this! He leaves things around, doesn’t clean up after himself, forgets things, has outbursts of anger, will blame me when things go missing in his room, causes damage to his walls in his room, constantly gets suspended from school, is loud, always hyped up, his room is always a mess 🙄 I also think my 12 year old has it too he’s not been diagnosed yet but I can see the same traits in him. I do understand your frustration and upset.

Yes, he "manages" one pick up a week from school. And he "manages" to cook once a month or so.

Poor dot. He does all that with a job too.

I earn a bit less than him. But not that much less, and also work full time.

Sorry to rain on your judgy misinterpretation there

You still sound very entitled and not that empathetic. Your husband is nowhere near the norm for people with adhd.

People with adhd are over represented in prisons, often struggling with MH and damaging coping mechanisms, self medicating and are lucky enough to have a job at all let alone a 6 figure one .

Lol. You aren't the oracle on ADHD to validate or deny what other people's lived experience is. I'm not entitled. You're just rude.

Lots of people in lots of circumstances have the condition, and your experience isn't the "norm" as you put it, any more than ours is.

My ex also has ADHD and is on the Sunday Times Rich List. You have ADHD and aren't. That's life.

Our DC (diagnosed) and youngest dc (too young for official diagnosis) both present very differently from each other as well.

Which of those is "normal" enough for you?

Your ignorance on the subject is hugely apparant. Maybe do a bit more research on the subject. My experience as you put it is well known.

Approximately 80% of adults diagnosed with ADHD also present with a psychiatric comorbidity at least once in their lifetime (Klassen et al., 2010). Common comorbidities include major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, and personality disorders (Katzman et al., 2017).

Your one tracked view doesn't make anyone else's knowledge or lived experience any less. I'm probably one of the most educated people on the condition, and a SEN governor to support children with the condition across 16 schools within a trust. Two of my DC have it, as does my husband, and my ex, who run a foundation to specifically support the ADHD community.

Or is it just anyone who doesn't go along with your opinion lack knowledge and research...

I anticipated your entire "research" will be Google based.

This is why I plan to remain alone and child free. I don’t want to inflict my (diagnosed) autism on other people and have them ending up hating me.
Those that do need to seek additional help and support to put in place strategies that help manage the difficulties. Just like other people with disabilities do. Someone mentioned cerebral palsy - most people with a condition like that will have worked hard to put things in place to manage the difficulties wherever possible.

Well I’ve been in touch with enough nhs services, read enough books and done enough psychotherapy and nhs courses between me and my dc to know exactly this and that it is widely known. Amazed you don’t seem to.

You can leave your husband for any reason you want.

ADHD is a real disability and you also can't force him to medicate himself.

There are self closing baby gates you can buy, you can establish house rules that drinks are only to be had in the kitchen etc, but the ADHD is always going to be there. No amount of "training" or nagging or repeating yourself till you're blue in the face is going to rend a disability away.

He has to find systems for himself and even they don't stop you having ADHD or stop your life being chaotic.

You can't suddenly make him pay attention to the things you know are important like keeping an eye on the baby and not getting distracted or putting shoes in a specific place so they can always be found.

Your first priority should be you and the baby, but you need to consider what life will look like if you do separate. What would contact look like? How can your baby's safety be maintained? These are all very real things that need to be discussed in a realistic way to make sure that you aren't left responsible for him forever and also ensure that your child/ren know both parents and are cared for to a suitable standard.

Yanbu for being utterly fed up though.

Deeply concerning then that you remain so ignorant on the subject and for the children in your trust. Governors often know sfa on the realities of teaching and supporting children as your posts highlight. Being a governor does not make you an expert. 🤣

Sorry, is this what you do?

Post irrelevant snippets of Google results, then when no one's really interested, or already know the very basic information you're posting, tell people you're amazed they don't know of your brilliant Google results?

I'll let the ex know his foundation, extensive team of consultants, researchers and support workers need to contact you...

Any adhd foundation that isn’t aware of what I posted is deeply concerning. Which foundation is it?

Some of us have many years teaching experience of children with SEN,a lot of interaction with services whilst supporting our own struggling ND children.