To say I’ve had enough of adhd

[Adhdohno]

I am ready to leave it’s been 20 years, my oh has adhd I have had enough- 5 times today I’ve had to stop what I’m doing to fetch my 1 year old off the stairs as oh keeps forgetting to close the safety gate.
he can’t find anything, I’ve spent 20 years finding his things, same story every morning can’t find his keys, accuses me of hiding them. Today I have sat watching him look for his shoe when I can clearly see it. I’m at my wits end.
the baby has tipped a full glass of juice over himself what oh has left on the floor, guess who has to change him… while oh simply drys the juice with a towel not actually cleaning it properly. Next the baby has his fingers in a can what oh has left within reach.
he can’t remember a conversation about the kids Easter eggs what we had yesterday.
to top it all off my eldest son also has adhd and the noise is driving me insane.

If OP goes out for an hour do you think he’ll remember to shut the stair gate without her to tell him or will he just let the baby fall to his death?

Me too.

I don't blame the OP for wanting to walk away. I want to walk away too!

The losing stuff, not being able to find things etc that's mostly.casuing stress to himself. Not making sure the baby is safe, well that's not on. He needs to prioritise those things, and make himself remember ffs.

I've got ADHD and I am chaotic/messy/late etc. I make myself do the things that keep other people alive, because it's what you have to do in life.

Keeping the kids safe by shutting gates/emptying the bath/putting dangerous stuff out of the way is something HE HAS to do. He needs to make sure he does it.

He's not taking responsibility for his children, and he needs to. He needs to find a way to remember, and stick to it. Every time he does something unsafe make him go and do it. Don't shut the gate etc for him. He will remember if he has to go and do it himself.

Indeed. I have ADHD but I live on my own. There's no fall back if I fuck up. It's exhausting and stressful and I've forever got a huge list of things to do because it all takes me so long, but I'm capable of shutting a stair gate in order to keep a child safe FFS.

Does he have a job? Does he drive? If so and he's this chaotic then he needs to surrender his licence.

She might just want to get it off her chest?

He won’t take meds he’s the type who won’t even take a paracetamol
it does stress me out not himself as he only realises he can’t find his things when we are leaving the house so we’re all either waiting or all having to look for them
he does work yes,
he won’t go an shut the gate he hates me telling him what to do ax he thinks I’m snapping my fingers so wont jump up, I have to run to fetch the baby well I counted 5 times just today he was half way up whilst I’m doing dishes, cooking etc…

It sounds like it's him you've (understandably) had enough of rather than the ADHD. A lazy twit is still a lazy twit, ADHD or not.

I'd be very surprised if he behaves like this at work.

I have ADHD. I lose my keys every morning. I can't get by without a diary and tick lists and calendar in the kitchen with everything written down. I can get lost within half a mile of my home. I find noise overload so difficult I wear noise cancelling earphones almost every day.
I also run a small business and a household, and have these last 30 years because I am not bone idle.

Sounds like ADHD to me.

OP you can call it any time. You're never being unreasonable to end a relationship you don't want to be in.

This does definitely have more than a whiff of weaponised incompetence about it, despite the ADHD. I know how hard it is, but he really does need to be willing to help you out here! It’s really unfair on you. So surely it has to come down to professional marriage counselling, or divorce? I’m sorry he’s being so stubborn.

If he were willing (even if it's done with the intention of shutting you up about it - you work with what you've got), he could attempt to train his muscle memory so that the gate is shut as part of the going through the gate in the first place. It's like how I only ever touch the front door with my keys actually in the same hand that turns the handle; that ensures I can't walk through the door and shut it without them being in my possession - my keys are sort of like a talisman or charm that makes the door open, as I can't bring myself to touch the handle without them in my hand now. unlike DP who still locks himself out when doing the bins sometimes. And yes, I take my time to open the door to him when that happens, especially when it's raining.

It would be something like always touching the gate/not taking his hand off it as he walks through and turning to close it before letting go and walking off.

The problem is him also being a fucking dickhead, though.

That's what I thought too when I read the post. My adhd drives me nuts. My life I'd full of missed opportunities. My poor dh! The things I forget. The things I loose. But am also happy am me. And sometimes the idea of medicating my adhd scared me. What if the meds cures/blunts me? Will I know me? Can it mitigate habits of a life time. But I think I will dive in. Can't walk away from me can I?

Thanks all for comments,
I guess I’m not being unreasonable then for feeling this way. I certainly feel a bit better and have a lot to consider.

Good point here! When I’m supporting my husband (OP, my husband, different circumstance but going through same), it’s ‘can’t’, when I’m resenting it’s ‘won’t’!

You appear to have married a man you actively hate. I don't think it's ADHD that's the problem here. You just really dislike him. It's not like he's suddenly acquired ADHD late in your relationship. Did you marry him thinking he'd suddenly change into an organised and focused person who would suddenly become capable of re-wiring his brain?

There's ADHD, and there's being a dickhead. I appreciate the two things aren't mutually exclusive.

My DH has ADHD. My eldest son has ADHD. My twins, I'm pretty sure the girl has but too young to diagnose.

My husband can be utterly useless, and it drives me to fucking distraction...but no matter how much it drives me, he gets more frustrated at himself than anyone else ever could.

He wishes he didn't lose everything he touches. He wishes he didn't spill every meal down himself. He wishes he didn't forget at least 3 meetings a week.

However, the leaving towels and clothes all over the floor, that's him being bone idle.

He won't medicate either. But the difference in our situations is that mine doesn't make excuses or try and project his issues as my fault.

Your DH appears to be more leaning towards being a dickhead with ADHD, as opposed to you not coping with a partner with ADHD.

This is unfair on OP. Unmanaged ADHD can take a toll on the loved ones around the person, which is probably what OP is experiencing.

Yes, he will never suddenly wake up and not have ADHD, but he can certainly take steps to help manage himself and have a better home life.

Same!!

OP, I get you’re frustrated but being fed up of a disability rather than fed up of your husband is ableism.
To those people who roll their eyes and declare adhd to be some kind of ‘trend’ I can assure you it’s a very real disability (I was diagnosed in 1989) and wrecks some people’s ability to live a normal life.

DS is currently undergoing assessment for ADHD. I left his DF several years ago as a result of all you describe. He refused then and refuses now to recognise the possibility that he has ADHD himself. Earlier in a relationship these things may not impact a partner so much so are easier to overlook, but once you have DC it’s different. He drove me to distraction and he became like having an extra child. I was doing everything. And reminding and asking him to do things… repeatedly because he would not process what was said the first time, led to accusations of me ‘going on’ at him. I’m much happier without him but I am still almost wholly responsible for the DC, their admin and thinking forwards about their future needs. I feel for you OP.

Airtags have been transformative. Could you put a contact alarm on the staircase?

If anyone has a solution for clothes on the floor I am all ears.

Since starting medication I feel like I'm finally me. My thoughts have slowed down enough to allow me to think of what I want to say before I speak instead of blurting stuff out, then beating myself up later. I no longer go to bed every night feeling ashamed of myself. My flat is now relatively tidy because it suddenly dawned on me that I could store things in labelled boxes, instead of just throwing random things into a cupboard which would inevitably come crashing down on me the next time I opened it.

Every journey is still a bloody mad dash though.

Same here

I also have 2 dc with adhd

Why doesn’t your dh take meds

Does he realise he is shortening his lifespan by decades if he isn’t medicated

Can you imagine what would happdn If you posted a thread asking if it was unreasonable to say you’ve had enough of cerebral palsy? But sure, slagging off ADHD is just expressing an opinion, carry on. We’ll all learn to stop being so lazy and annoying if enough normals tell us how awful it is to share a planet with us.