To say I’ve had enough of adhd

[Adhdohno]

I am ready to leave it’s been 20 years, my oh has adhd I have had enough- 5 times today I’ve had to stop what I’m doing to fetch my 1 year old off the stairs as oh keeps forgetting to close the safety gate.
he can’t find anything, I’ve spent 20 years finding his things, same story every morning can’t find his keys, accuses me of hiding them. Today I have sat watching him look for his shoe when I can clearly see it. I’m at my wits end.
the baby has tipped a full glass of juice over himself what oh has left on the floor, guess who has to change him… while oh simply drys the juice with a towel not actually cleaning it properly. Next the baby has his fingers in a can what oh has left within reach.
he can’t remember a conversation about the kids Easter eggs what we had yesterday.
to top it all off my eldest son also has adhd and the noise is driving me insane.

@FairKoala how?

Blind people tend to have things in place to stop themselves losing things, i.e everything is put in the exact same place each day. This is what you have to do with ADHD, train yourself to do things in a certain way to avoid things like the op describes

But people with all sorts of disabilities learn to live with them and become independent.

At the end of the day, what does it matter if he’s got ADHD or not? If he’s an annoying fucker who you are sick of then get rid.

Personally you need to tell him how
annoyed you are. I imagine I’ve probably got ADHD. Have you tried to help him with any strategies? A box by the door to put his keys and wallet as soon as he gets in? Can you put an alarm on the gate so it beeps when it’s open?!

My DH has adhd and not medicated and he is everything but lazy. I would say he is much more over cautious than me when it comes to children. He will make sure they are safe and won't leave things lying around. He is a pita to live with though . I get overstimulated by his existence under the same roof. Constant fidgeting, unable to control his voice tone waking up the baby, slamming doors not deliberately but by force he has no control of, not listening, constantly on the go, him cooking in the kitchen is a absolute nightmare and I get dizzy watching him with cupboards flying around open and shut, listening to the same song on loud over and over again, accidentally bumping me with his elbow or stepping on my foot, every grasp he has is forceful, losing everything that he's touched, leaving the lights on and I could go on and on. It is absolutely tiresome.

I don't think anybody's slagging off ADHD. He's putting a child at risk of serious harm but doing nothing about it to help the situation. Are you saying people should be understanding of that? If his ADHD is that severe then he should understand that he needs to do something about it. He has choices, a helpless child does not. If OP leaves him, how on earth will he cope looking after his children on his own?

It’s the affect that adhd has on unmedicated individuals.

That forgetfulness you talk of with regard to your dh means without prompting your dh could forget to take medicine he needs, forgets to make doctors appointments etc. People with adhd are chasing dopamine so risky behaviour creates dopamine and is more likely to lead to death or serious injury. We are more likely to be alcoholics, addicts (although cocaine has a very different affect on people with ADHD.) The rate of suicide is higher. Equally the prison population has a high percentage of people with adhd. The world and the NT’s in it isn’t built for people with ADHD

i can tell you that it is exhausting for him too

^ this
woman with adhd and asc
ADHD isn’t an excuse he can use for not changing his child, yes he may have left the juice out but why do you have to clean it up!!!
lots more going on here outside of the diagnosis

An incontinent cat sorted the problem for me.

Well, it means it's all piled up on top of the chest of drawers and over the banister instead of the floor, at any rate.

I'm pretty damn sure that I have undiagnosed ADHD, probably as result of my body being affected by heroin in utero. I'm very forgetful, never been good at time management or organisation, always losing things, constantly feel restless, always get easily distracted, always late and have time blindness... it's been 20 years of this for my poor DH, and I drive him mad a lot too.

Ironically, he's the total opposite, and is probably a kind of personal assistant/secretary in some ways to me (poor man! Lol). He's used to my mad ways, but equally finds it incredibly infuriating and tiresome.

I've lost count of the number of times he has shouted at me in frustration 😅 Unfortunately, I can't take any ADHD medication, as it might make my neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia much worse, so i just keep on infuriating my DH loads! 😆😉

Seriously though OP, i understand it from both sides. I couldn't live with someone who had it, so I totally understand why you feel the way you do.

This is what my DH says about me too - it's like he has an extra child to manage. It's awful for him in many ways, and I do feel guilty sometimes about how much he says he has to do and the weight of things on his shoulders.

I have ADHD as does my eldest son and it can be really difficult. I lose stuff all the time but never blame anyone else for it. I make my son pick up after himself and if he spilt juice, he would know how to clean it up.
Believe me, we both wish we didn’t have it and life can be deeply frustrating but it’s not an excuse. He needs to prioritise things like the stair gate as it could have serious consequences.
I get how frustrating it is to live with (and my partner could definitely empathise with you) but could you talk to him about it? Maybe come up with some strategies? Good luck

Having ADHD doesn't stop him from being a twat.
I would end it with him if I were you.

You're hearing it wrong, then.

Try having adhd! And still having to try and function like a normal person. I hate it

I have ADHD and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Like many people on this thread, I've found ways to work around it. Yes, it's frustrating, it makes me feel useless, and I used to be very emotionally unstable because of it. But I couldn't live like that, so I got help. I do my best. I set a lot of alarms and make a lot of notes, where I've put things, how to do things and where I need to be. I still lose things in plain sight and forget stuff and struggle with restlessness, but I try.

That's the thing, it sounds like he isn't trying. At, least, not that you can tell, and that means if he is trying then it isn't working and he needs to try something else.

I echo other posters that it is never unreasonable to leave a relationship which is making you miserable. You don't need to justify it, your only job is to look out for yourself and your DC.

‘Have you worked with him’

He’s a grown man, not a child. Why are women expected to be the ones to bend over backwards and provide solutions? How about he reads a book about coping strategies and maybe makes some changes?

Don’t be ridiculous. I have adhd as do my children. 2 are medicated and myself and one other isn’t. Our nhs provides a course on living with it. I’ve read loads of books. Books, courses and even meds can help some people to some extent but don’t cure it. It is a horrific condition and wrecks lives.

To the op my husband is wonderfully patient however he isn’t perfect. There are things I tolerate and things he tolerates - we’ve been together for 35 years. I would take adhd out of it when evaluating the relationship.

And people around people with disabilities work to understand and support and accommodate them. You can’t just magic disabilities away.

My friend with cerebral palsy can’t walk easily. If I am out with her I allow more time for us to get places. I will fetch and carry stuff. I don’t expect her to just be able to keep up with me.

With my relative with poor eyesight I’ll read things they can’t easily read when we are out and about. I won’t just sit there and say “are you ready to order then?” if we are in a cafe and she can’t read what’s on the menu.

People seem to expect neurodiverse folk to just not be neurodiverse.

I get what @FishfingerFlinger is saying here but I think it’s the balance in a relationship that is necessary to sustain it. While many of us can, and have, adjusted expectations and accommodated the extra load picked up if a partner has ADHD, OP may need to consider what she benefits from, coming back the other way. If he is simply making her life burdensome without taking away other loads that he can carry, then as DC get older, the burden just gets heavier and heavier. If he’s willing to recognise his issues and also discuss his strengths and what he can pick up instead then there can be some hope. But if he denies there are problems and accuses OP of ‘nagging’ then there is less hope. Issues of danger and the DC are another category of problem though as he has to step up there. Has he done the kind of books and courses that mentioned above? As a parent I’m doing some of the reading to help my DS, in the hope that he doesn’t turn out to be such a frustrating partner for others in the future and he can be helped by me now to put some strategies in place.

The adhd isn't the problem here. It's his inability to take responsibility for his own life. He doesn't care enough to keep your baby safe. You need to end it and protect your children.

I'd love to see a thread moaning about how hard it is to live with neurotypicals.

"It's impossible living with their need for conformity and inability to empathise or communicate with anyone different to them...and don't get me started on the incessant meaningless small talk 🙄"

Do you feel the same about wheelchair users? That they’re lazy?
Or people with eye problems? Is it lazy that they can’t see.

Your attitude is very ableist. I sure hope that none of the disabled people forced back to work don’t get you as a colleague.

A colleague has just asked her husband to leave after 20 years of similar. Their kids are now older teens and she says it’s like having 3! She’s tried to help him with places for everything and routines but he’s not interested