DP unkind about my friend who is TTC

[Panda87]

I’ve got a close friend who is having TTC struggles with her DH. I have been there before with eventual success so she has been confiding in me and we’ve had a few long phone calls where I’ve tried to be supportive.

My DP is not the father to my DC, they are from a previous relationship, and he doesn’t want children himself (he’s great with mine).

DP is becoming increasingly annoyed that I’ve taken a few of these calls in the evening after we’ve had dinner and would usually settle down on the sofa to watch something. He thinks the odd call at this time is fair enough but they are becoming increasingly regular.

Last night, he kept coming into the room and pointing at his wrist as if to hurry me up. My friend was really upset so I didn’t want to cut the call short and I made sure I was there for her.

When I got off the call, he said we wouldn’t have time to watch anything (I’m sure we would have done) and then said, “oh well, I’m sure DH’s name won’t be too upset, he gets another month of having a go on those tits every night”.

I told him straight away this was a disgusting comment and to have some empathy. He thinks they’ve got plenty of time but it’s easy to say when he hasn’t been in that position. This isn’t the first time he has made a similar comment, he basically said my friend’s DH must be enjoying trying, but in a cruder way.

I don’t think IABU to support my friend, even if the calls are in the time I’d usually spend with my DP?

Yes.

That's why I said it's insensitive and lacking empathy.

Well, as they say, when a man shows you who he is, believe him.

But why is it worse from a woman?

Why should women, by dint of being women, understand this more?

In my experience when trying for kids (or going through fertility treatment) you get a lot of “funny” comments from both men and women about having fun trying. His was crude, but it’s not unusual for people to joke.

This is why you think he's a good man and a suitable role model for your children isn't it?

You've placed your 'man bar' so low, you're tripping over it.

His comment is completely unacceptable and gross, and you allow this around your kids.

To him, you sitting at his side watching a TV show took priority over your friend needing emotional support for a half hour about trying to have a baby.

He was very rude and very crude about showing his displeasure. He disrespected you and your friend.

Your bar is low. Your partner has a terrible mindset regarding women. Women are objects to him, and that includes you. That is not the attitude of someone who is "brilliant" with kids.

Yuck OP, hes really gross. And he wasn't 'unkind' - he was fucking rude. Imagine if your friend knew? Come on - because he's a great shag you're ok with this - why is your bar so low? And you have children around this man!? Jesus. I hope your kids think it's ok to behave like this - but hey - he's apparently generous in the bedroom so....

At first I was sort of with your DH. If the phone calls are regular, lengthy and interrupting time spent together then I can understand some irritation. But then you mentioned his vile misogynistic remarks and I've concluded that he cannot possibly be a "good man" and I certainly wouldn't want someone with that mindset around my kids.

He didn't joke crudely about both of them having fun trying though, did he?

Op's friend is apparently just a pair of tits for her husband to have fun "having a go on".

What your husband said is fairly unpleasant but I can see why your husband is getting a bit annoyed.

Sometimes me and DP have decided to do something together and then her sister phones and 45 minutes later she's still sat on the phone. It means I've spent 45 minutes wasting my evening doomscrolling when I could have gone and done something more productive by myself.

If I ask her how long she's likely to be then it'll always be "5 mins" but thats often not the case.

When it happens now I just go and find something else to do as soon as the phone call starts, but then DP gets annoyed once she's off the call that I no longer want to do what we initially agreed to.

ugh honestly those remarks are just awful. And surely he can manage to watch tv on his own?

I was kind of understanding his point of view until the comment.

Have a 'feedback on the behaviour not the person' conversation with him.

Make sure he understands you need him to listen to how his remark made you feel.

Just let him know his comment was crude, sexist, and made you feel creepy that he thinks of your distressed friend in that way and that he thought it was fine to say that to you about her.

Unfortunately you'll need to be totally in control of your voice, body language and words because he'll pick up on anything he perceives as an attack and get defensive.

Tell him what you expect going forward in the way he speaks to you.

It's like having a management conversation with a team member whose behaviour is unacceptable. And it can take the emotion and reactions out of the equation.

I'd also suggest you don't answer in the evenings, but catch up with her during the day.

I was talking about comments to me about me “having fun”

But you said "His was crude, but it’s not unusual for people to joke" immediately after relaying those jokey comments from other people about having fun.

So it wouldn't be unreasonable to take it that you were referring to his comments in the context of people tending to joke to couples TTC about having fun.

Just let him know his comment was crude, sexist, and made you feel creepy that he thinks of your distressed friend in that way and that he thought it was fine to say that to you about her.
Unfortunately you'll need to be totally in control of your voice, body language and words because he'll pick up on anything he perceives as an attack and get defensive.
Tell him what you expect going forward in the way he speaks to you.....

Yes, let's try to teach a mature adult how to be a decent person.

He either is or he isn't, especially by the age.

And let's go softly, softly and neutrally in case he gets offended and defensive .... Cause he's so bothered about offending people, right.

Tell him what you expect in how he speaks to you - which means he'll hide how he thinks (until he slips up sometime).
He's still the person underneath who thought that way and said it. So what's the point.

Explain to a grown man what shouldn't need explained.

Be careful not to make him defensive, even though he's in the wrong ...and quite disgusting.

Tell him how you want to be lied to so he doesn't betray his true character in future.

I'm hearing that Flo Rider song in my head right now "Low, low, low, low" re. the bar on this thread.

I’m not sure how you managed to think I meant jokes to a couple when I never mentioned that or anything that could be taken as that.

never mind. I meant people joked with me. Just me.

No, that's not right.

So any individual pursuit cuts into 'couple time'
Nah