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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP unkind about my friend who is TTC

119 replies

Panda87 · 27/03/2025 18:24

I’ve got a close friend who is having TTC struggles with her DH. I have been there before with eventual success so she has been confiding in me and we’ve had a few long phone calls where I’ve tried to be supportive.

My DP is not the father to my DC, they are from a previous relationship, and he doesn’t want children himself (he’s great with mine).

DP is becoming increasingly annoyed that I’ve taken a few of these calls in the evening after we’ve had dinner and would usually settle down on the sofa to watch something. He thinks the odd call at this time is fair enough but they are becoming increasingly regular.

Last night, he kept coming into the room and pointing at his wrist as if to hurry me up. My friend was really upset so I didn’t want to cut the call short and I made sure I was there for her.

When I got off the call, he said we wouldn’t have time to watch anything (I’m sure we would have done) and then said, “oh well, I’m sure DH’s name won’t be too upset, he gets another month of having a go on those tits every night”.

I told him straight away this was a disgusting comment and to have some empathy. He thinks they’ve got plenty of time but it’s easy to say when he hasn’t been in that position. This isn’t the first time he has made a similar comment, he basically said my friend’s DH must be enjoying trying, but in a cruder way.

I don’t think IABU to support my friend, even if the calls are in the time I’d usually spend with my DP?

OP posts:
Snoken · 27/03/2025 20:44

Panda87 · 27/03/2025 20:21

Thanks all, just to answer some of the questions/points:

-the most I’ve spoken on the phone with my friend in one week in the evening is twice, calls probably no longer than 35/40 minutes.

-DP and I watch a series which is why he wanted me downstairs, he’s happy watching stuff on his own otherwise and likes his own space usually

-His comment was completely inappropriate - I can accept that men will speak like that with each other - but not to me after I’ve just been comforting my distraught friend. I’m confident he won’t try that again!!

Does it matter that he now won't have the balls to say it? It's still how he thinks about your lovely friend. It's how he thinks of women in general most likely. We are just there to pleasure a man basically. He clearly thinks your time is his too and he gets moody if you don't obey.

He's a vile piece of shit of a man and you are going to carry on with him despite the things he is thinking of your friend and you are going to let him be a part of your childrens childhoods. Unbelievable.

Original poster
Panda87 · 27/03/2025 20:51

Just to be clear I’m not defending the comment or his attitude towards my friend.

It is isolated though - he’s proven to be a good man and is brilliant with my DC. He’s nothing but respectful towards me and (apologies if TMI) is generous in the bedroom and I certainly am not just there to please him.

I do need him to acknowledge he’s in the wrong here and accept I will support my friend even if it does mean phone calls in the evening - I know she’d do the same for me.

OP posts:
Snoken · 27/03/2025 20:53

What he just did is the opposite of proving he's a good man. The absolute very opposite. You are either desparate to not be alone or you are being manipulated by that man because no woman would call a man who talks about her friend in that manner a good man.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/03/2025 20:55

How long have you been in a relationship with him?

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 20:57

He’s nothing but respectful towards me

It's not respectful to you to tap his watch when you're on the phone trying to counsel and comfort a friend.

You can watch the episode of the series at another time.

It's not remotely respectful towards you to make that comment about your friend's husband being glad to have a go on those tits for another month ....thereby saying "I've noticed her tits, I've looked at her tits, they're great tits, any man would be pleased to get the chance to touch etc. them, her h/p must be happy to get another month "having a go" on her tits".

He can notice your mate's breasts, he can appreciate your mate's breasts - we're all human ....

But it is not remotely respectful or appropriate for him to express his observation/appreciation/speculation about your friend's husband's enjoyment of her breasts - to you.

I'd like to see him in reverse circumstances.

The comment in the context of them TTC and experiencing disappointments is also very crass and inappropriate.

BlossBurger · 27/03/2025 20:58

Oh OP, just no. That comment about your friend was utterly disgusting. It actually made me feel sick. And what do you mean you can accept that men speak to each other like that? Decent, caring, family men wouldn’t dream of talking about women like that.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 27/03/2025 20:58

Mrsttcno1 · 27/03/2025 18:35

I mean it depends on the frequency but I think you’re both potentially unreasonable. Obviously his comment is awful & uncalled for but you being on the phone to your friend during your evening which should be your couple time isn’t great either.

As a one off obviously it’s fine but if my husband was on the phone every other evening I wouldn’t be happy,

Are you the phone police?

Gowlett · 27/03/2025 21:01

The bit where he points at his watch… WTF?

LoztWorld · 27/03/2025 21:02

Panda87 · 27/03/2025 20:51

Just to be clear I’m not defending the comment or his attitude towards my friend.

It is isolated though - he’s proven to be a good man and is brilliant with my DC. He’s nothing but respectful towards me and (apologies if TMI) is generous in the bedroom and I certainly am not just there to please him.

I do need him to acknowledge he’s in the wrong here and accept I will support my friend even if it does mean phone calls in the evening - I know she’d do the same for me.

I can see why you might think he’s a good man if all the men you know have been manchild laddish misogynists. I used to think all men were like this too because that’s what I grew up around. Then i moved cities and met men who weren’t like that at all. My DH has plenty of failings (don’t we all) but he would NEVER say something like that about any woman, let alone a friend of mine, let alone to me!

No man who would speak about a woman that way, even just to his friends, is a good man. He will talk about you like that too - does that not bother you?

To me this is much worse than his lack of empathy for your friend, though that’s pretty horrible too

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/03/2025 21:03

At the very least @Panda87 his behaviour and attitude should be considered a glimpse at another aspect to his personality, and one he hides from you.🚩

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 21:05

I would find it quite irksome if my partner was spending 45 minutes on the phone all the time discussing a mate’s fertility when we were meant to be having a bit of quality time together. I would also be pretty bored by the whole business of a friend of my partner trying to have a baby and would have very limited patience for hearing about it.

However, while I can see why your partner would express his irritation, it was completely obnoxious and unacceptable for him to start talking about your friend’s tits, obviously.

gannett · 27/03/2025 21:08

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 20:31

DP and I watch a series which is why he wanted me downstairs, he’s happy watching stuff on his own otherwise and likes his own space usually

Well he could watch something else while you're on the phone. Your mate is upset and asking for a bit of support at this time, and you've been through it too so ..

He could have a bit of flexibility and tolerance.

It doesn't have to be watched at exactly that time. It could be later, it could be the next day, it could be a catch up batch.

Edited

Well... did OP let him know in advance that the phone call would be that long or did she just leave him sitting for 40 minutes not knowing when she'd deign to join him? I'm watching a series with DP and I'd be fairly miffed to be kept hanging for 40 minutes. Obviously I can do my own thing and we don't have to watch the episode on any given night but if you're the person not on the phone, you have to guess whether your partner is going to end their conversation in one minute or 5 minutes or 40 minutes. It's not on to keep someone waiting.

(The comment was crude but I would have 100% said something sarky in his position.)

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/03/2025 21:10

Tbf if there is an arrangement to watch something at a set time I get the annoyance. Dh and I hardly see each other some weeks but we'd have loose arrangements. Tonight for example we are sitting down at 10pm to watch an episode of something and I'd be annoyed if he took a call and let it run into our little sliver of time, especially more then once in the week.

I've already replied upthread about the vile comment, I'm just defending him on the phone thing not the other.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 21:11

He is speaking about your friend like she's a sex doll, or more specifically - like she's just a pair of tits

He's also speaking about your mate like that (and about she & her h TTC), when she's upset and emotional enough to be on the phone to you seeking support, twice in one week.

This woman is clearly upset & struggling and he's like "haha, well at least her h gets to have another month's go on those tits of hers, he must be happy about that!".

The lack of empathy and respect and objectification is off the charts.

Pay attention to that.

There are all sorts of reasons people stay/end up single - with him, I think we can guess at some of them.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 21:13

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/03/2025 21:10

Tbf if there is an arrangement to watch something at a set time I get the annoyance. Dh and I hardly see each other some weeks but we'd have loose arrangements. Tonight for example we are sitting down at 10pm to watch an episode of something and I'd be annoyed if he took a call and let it run into our little sliver of time, especially more then once in the week.

I've already replied upthread about the vile comment, I'm just defending him on the phone thing not the other.

Watch it another time.

Not difficult.

This is a presumably good friend, in need.

Who the fuck puts pedantry about watching a TV series you can watch at another time above that.

Like wtf.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/03/2025 21:15

I can accept that men will speak like that with each other

@Panda87 that's really not acceptable IMO and I honestly don't think decent men do this. Some men might make crude comments about a celebrity or random girl they see in a pub, even that to me is not ok, but to crudely comment on each other's partners or friends seems really wrong. I honestly don't think this can ever be ok. I think as PP say you have been around a certain type of man too often and the bar is low.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 21:16

Well... did OP let him know in advance that the phone call would be that long or did she just leave him sitting for 40 minutes not knowing when she'd deign to join him?

Holy fuck ... The posters on this thread.

Actually, the posters on MN, because it's not just this thread.

If you have an idea of who your p is talking to and what about - which it very much sounds like he did - then have a fucking bit of cop on and postpone watching the episode until another time. Or just watch it yourself and they can watch it themselves later. You don't share a brain. You can watch one episode separately.

You don't go into the room mid sensitive conversation and tap your watch and interrupt and hassle them.

But anyway ....the pedantry over watching TV episodes together/at a set time is almost hilarious - given the utter objectification and inappropriate ness of this man's comments.

Podgeys1 · 27/03/2025 21:18

Unfortunately OP is one of those posters that opens a completely legitimate thread detailing really awful behaviour and when she has it confirmed that it is absolutely disgusting, is desperate to talk herself down and him up.

All these incredible men with children, that just happen to be disgusting misogynistic pigs who talk about women in a vile way.
Who knew.🙄

Sadly the children actually are the very last priority in the homes these pigs talk their way into...and don't they know it.

FortyElephants · 27/03/2025 21:21

On the question of taking her calls for long chats in the evening I think YABU. It's intrusive and self absorbed of her to be doing that and not very wise of you to encourage it. But on the question of whether your DP is a dick - yes, probably.

Mudkipper · 27/03/2025 21:30

Mrsttcno1 · 27/03/2025 19:00

Got to be the only thread on here where people are trying to say quality time with your partner isn’t important😂

I could entertain myself for endless nights yeah, but if I wanted that to be my life I would have stayed single rather than getting married.

As I say it totally depends, but in my specific situation we are in the thick of it right now with young kids, my husband & I don’t have a lot of quality time right now and so if suddenly he was spending our 45 mins MAX of “free” time every night on the phone when that is quite literally our only chance to connect, communicate, make plans etc every day then I wouldn’t be happy no.

Show quote history

Nobody's saying quality time with your partner isn't important.

I wouldn't describe sitting next to someone watching television as quality time.

MrsKeats · 27/03/2025 21:31

That’s so grim.

Snoken · 27/03/2025 21:35

gannett · 27/03/2025 21:08

Well... did OP let him know in advance that the phone call would be that long or did she just leave him sitting for 40 minutes not knowing when she'd deign to join him? I'm watching a series with DP and I'd be fairly miffed to be kept hanging for 40 minutes. Obviously I can do my own thing and we don't have to watch the episode on any given night but if you're the person not on the phone, you have to guess whether your partner is going to end their conversation in one minute or 5 minutes or 40 minutes. It's not on to keep someone waiting.

(The comment was crude but I would have 100% said something sarky in his position.)

Show quote history

How would OP know how long the conversation would be?

Friend: Hi sobs it's happened again. I think I'm having another miscarriage.
OP: Oh hun I'm so sorry. Just so that I know, how long will this conversation be?
Friend: Huh?
OP: It's just that I have to tell Pervert Pete. He gets really annoyed if it takes a long time and then he'll start making vile comments about you and your tits, and it just that, you know, he's so great with my kids and he really likes having sex with me, so I'd just rather avoid having to listen to his predatory comments. It puts a dampener on our evening. It's through no fault of his own really, it's just when things don't go his way... he gets a tad gross.

Shegotanology · 27/03/2025 21:47

If, according to you, he's a good man and this was a one-off, what exactly are you looking for in this thread?

Original poster
Panda87 · 28/03/2025 07:29

Shegotanology · 27/03/2025 21:47

If, according to you, he's a good man and this was a one-off, what exactly are you looking for in this thread?

As per the OP really, that supporting a close friend even if it means some calls during evenings with my DP doesn’t mean IABU.

OP posts:
Apricotfuzz · 28/03/2025 07:36

That comment from your partner would give me the biggest ick

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