DP unkind about my friend who is TTC

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I’ve got a close friend who is having TTC struggles with her DH. I have been there before with eventual success so she has been confiding in me and we’ve had a few long phone calls where I’ve tried to be supportive.

My DP is not the father to my DC, they are from a previous relationship, and he doesn’t want children himself (he’s great with mine).

DP is becoming increasingly annoyed that I’ve taken a few of these calls in the evening after we’ve had dinner and would usually settle down on the sofa to watch something. He thinks the odd call at this time is fair enough but they are becoming increasingly regular.

Last night, he kept coming into the room and pointing at his wrist as if to hurry me up. My friend was really upset so I didn’t want to cut the call short and I made sure I was there for her.

When I got off the call, he said we wouldn’t have time to watch anything (I’m sure we would have done) and then said, “oh well, I’m sure DH’s name won’t be too upset, he gets another month of having a go on those tits every night”.

I told him straight away this was a disgusting comment and to have some empathy. He thinks they’ve got plenty of time but it’s easy to say when he hasn’t been in that position. This isn’t the first time he has made a similar comment, he basically said my friend’s DH must be enjoying trying, but in a cruder way.

I don’t think IABU to support my friend, even if the calls are in the time I’d usually spend with my DP?

His comment was absolutely disgusting, lacking in empathy and vulgar. How long have you been together? Honestly, I'm not sure I could be intimate with him again.

No, it's not unreasonable behaviour.

It's a close friend.
She's reaching out to you because you've been through it.
If it went on and on, maybe. But it would have to be for quite a while.
I'm sure you'd gently communicate that and she'd probably reduce it.

It's only a fucking TV series.

You can catch up on it together later.
Or you can watch the odd episode separately.

He has no empathy - hence expecting you to cut her off and tapping his watch.
He has no empathy - and has objectifying views of women - hence his delightful comments re. them TTC.

You're ignoring that he's a CRETIN with those comments.

YANBU but if he is usually ok I would assume he was joking in poor taste and this doesn’t reflect his real attitude towards TTC.

Your DH is gross. He is really not a good man.

I had a female friend tell me, when I confided in her that I was struggling ttc, that “at least I could have lots of fun trying”.

Omg that is awful. You can half expect it from bloody men but from a female, there’s no excuses!

She said the call is about 1 or 2 a week. Hardly “all the time”.

”Men” and “female”.

And a gender double standard. I get why you think your partner is a good man.

What the fucking fuck did I just read!?

I'd be dumping him. Not even kidding.
Everything from the entitlement to sex if a woman isn't pregnant through to the entitlement to your time and not wanting kids because he won't be first anymore. And thats before we even get to him resenting your friend and trying to control how you spend your downtime.

I bet if you look closely he competes for your time with your child. Or he will when your kids are old enough not to be in their bedroom at 7pm every night.

The entitlement and control and everything else is literally skin crawling.

Why is it worse from a female?

Whereas my husband would make me a cup of tea to drink while im on the phone as long as my froend needs me and would ask how she is doing afterwards and empathise that it must be tough for them.

Because it is extraordinarily tone deaf.
TTC and having miscarriages is both stressful and lonely.
Only those that are extremely obtuse, AKA thick as shit, would respond in such a facile manner to such information.

That’s a gross comment to make regardless of the situation.

I do think your friend needs to lean on some other people too though - calling you every time she gets her period to talk it through doesn’t seem that healthy and I can see why it would annoy your husband but I lost sympathy at his comment.

They have spoken 1-2 times a week for 35-40 minutes. It's hardly an unhealthy obsession. It's also a shared experience so it all makes sense, it's in fact precisely what friends are for. That and having fun.

The fact that you even need to ask the question is ridiculous. Also he doesn't need to know your friends business. She is confiding in you - it doesn't automatically follow that you need to tell him. You're talking to your friend, that's all he needs to know.

That's a good point. I wouldn't want anyone who spoke about me that way knowing any of my business, especially not deeply personal and painful things.

I had a female friend tell me, when I confided in her that I was struggling ttc, that “at least I could have lots of fun trying”.

It's insensitive and lacking empathy, but it's not vulgar.

It's not objectifying: to either partner.

I think she was just trying to find something positive to say and latched onto - well, you and your partner will be having lots of sex, which hopefully will be enjoyable.

Clumsy but ...

It's not in the same league or the same type of comment as this man's comments.

You can half expect it from bloody men

On top of your comment implying it's typical for a man to say the sort of thing your partner said; you have a view on what's normal or common for men that suggests you haven't met enough decent, well adjusted ones and are projecting your experiences (with your ex?) etc. onto all men.

Given, from that, that the bar is apparently pretty low, I respectfully suggest you should have stayed single until your standards changed; rather than picked a man and introduced him to your kids - who's now going on about how your friend's husband must be happy to have more opportunities to "have a go on those tits" (and you said he made a similar comment before) .

...and you're like "well pretty much all men say things like that to other men, he just shouldn't have said it to me, he's been told not do that anymore .... My question is just whether he's being unreasonable by insisting on watching a TV episode in the middle of a call from an upset close friend, that we could watch another time".

Really, that's not the only problem with him.

It’s poor all round, but (you’d think) women should understand the emotional toll TTC struggles can have, whilst men love having sex at any opportunity in my experience, so are prone to putting their foot in it.

That crude phrase is a turn off just in itself. My husband and I encourage each other to support our friends. It is one of the great things about our relationship.

Please raise your standards.

These responses are ridiculously one sided. How often do you speak to this friend. Sorry if 3/7 nights a week OH was speaking to a friend he was supporting, I’d be very annoyed too and i’m not controlling etc.

Comment was a bit gross/crude

On the phone - twice a week at most

It’s something that people who have never experienced infertility say,because they don’t understand that it actually affects your desire to have sex. The longer you go without conceiving the more of a chore it becomes, and your sex life is planned around ovulation and temperature charts and what not. So being told that you should be enjoying it feels tactless.

Men being enthusiastic about sex is not mutually exclusive with

A. Not being vulgar about it

B. Not having the slightest bit of empathy or sympathy for a couple who are TTC unsuccessfully

C. Knowing not to make sexual comments about your partner's close friend (especially comments that imply their appreciation of the friend's body parts).

I don't know many people - male or female who'd be ok with that.

My partner used to hang around with a good looking, fit man from a race that is associated with slightly larger dicks on average. If I said, on hearing he and his partner were unsuccessful TTC "well at least his wife must be happy she'll get another month having a go on that big cock & hot body of his" .... I don't think I'd have a happy partner on my hands.
I somehow don't think his face would be a happy, neutral one, on hearing that.
I don't know anyone who would be, either way - because it's utterly inappropriate on a number of fronts.

I would ignore those saying yabu or that they would be annoyed because everyone has the right to choose a partner and as you can see, many people on here would be supportive of you support8ng your friend, so I'd choose someone like that to be in a relationship with instead of someone controlling.

Perhaps people who would have a problem woth it are better suited to men like your partner and you can schoose someone more supportive - as you've seen from this post, many people have more supportive partners, they aren't unicorns. Best of luck and sorry if I sound judgy or condescending, it's not my intention at all, messages are just really hard to pitch right.