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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s birthday dinner - paying awkwardness.

99 replies

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:18

Until recently my boyfriend and I earned the same decent salary. Treat each other to meals and especially on our birthdays.

I’ve been made redundant and I have to watch my money until I have money coming in again. So I offered to cook a meal for his birthday but he wanted to go to his favourite restaurant instead and booked it.

I feel awkward now because it’s a fancy place and I can’t really afford to pay for us both without worrying about other payments. He may well be intending to cover the meal knowing this but didn’t say. AIBU?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 27/03/2025 17:20

The only thing that’s unreasonable is that you don’t feel comfortable enough with him to just talk to him about it.

SoFlippinCold · 27/03/2025 17:20

How old are u both ? And how long have you been together?

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/03/2025 17:20

You need to tell him that you can't afford it, which is why you offered to cook

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 27/03/2025 17:20

Maybe send a link to this page to your boyfriend. Either that or talk to him about it.

YourIcyReader · 27/03/2025 17:22

You need to talk to him about it asap!

Daisyrainbows · 27/03/2025 17:23

I don’t think he will be expecting to pay. Offer to cook again and explain why

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/03/2025 17:23

Is it a new relationship? Is that why you feel like you can't communicate with him?

Original poster
Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:24

i think he is probably planning to cover the cost but he didn’t say.

I feel like I’m making his birthday into an awkward conversation but this is just how it is for me at the moment.

OP posts:
sheknowsitstoolate · 27/03/2025 17:24

Tell him you can’t afford to go unless he is paying so if he can’t then you’re happy to cook. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

BIWI · 27/03/2025 17:25

If you can’t talk to him about this it really doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship.

It’s a simple conversation. You just tell him that you suggested cooking because you can’t afford to go out. At which point he will either say ‘oh it’s OK, I was going to pay’ or ‘really sorry, it never occurred to me'

CheekyHobson · 27/03/2025 17:25

Life is full of awkward conversations and one of the greatest skills you can develop is learning how to have them.

Original poster
Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:26

Yeah. Maybe I just reiterate the reason I was going to cook.

The way I’m reacting is all about how I feel. Losing my job has knocked my confidence.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 27/03/2025 17:26

Maybe say that you can cook him a birthday dinner and then pay for his meal out once you have a new job.

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:26

Did you get a decent payout for your redundancy? I'd pay for him to be honest. Surely the payout would stretch to a meal out?

ilovesooty · 27/03/2025 17:28

Tell him you can't afford it. I'm sorry that you lost your job and it's impacted on your confidence.

Original poster
Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:28

@Jk987 tbh I can probably afford one meal. It would just been nice for him to not expect it this one time when he knows my circumstances.

I had to pay for an unexpected household repair this week which he also knows.

OP posts:
IPM · 27/03/2025 17:31

Such a weird relationship.

"Dave, the reason I offered to cook is because I can't afford to pay for your birthday meal right now".

Really basic communication.

Seeingadistance · 27/03/2025 17:32

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:26

Did you get a decent payout for your redundancy? I'd pay for him to be honest. Surely the payout would stretch to a meal out?

That's missing the point somewhat!

The OP offered to cook for him. He know her circumstances, financial and hopefully also the emotional aspects of being made redundant, and has just ignored/dismissed her offer.

He seems a bit self-centred, OP.

Original poster
Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:37

@Seeingadistance he suggested I cook the next night instead.

He obviously has it in his head he wants to go to this restaurant in his actual birthday.

OP posts:
Gelatibon · 27/03/2025 17:38

You've been together long enough that you "normally" treat each other and you can't just ask?

Original poster
Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:41

I am just being awkward because I feel awkward about my situation. Thought I was resolving it by cooking dinner for us.

in the end I might just pay for it so a cloud isn’t hanging over his birthday - but reiterate that more generally I need to be careful not to eat out a lot etc just now.

OP posts:
Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:41

I'm assuming, maybe wrongly, that the OP got a payout so saying you can't afford it seems disingenuous and a bit mean.

sheknowsitstoolate · 27/03/2025 17:42

I would only usually book something (birthday or not) if I knew I could pay for it. Maybe he’s done the same? There’s nothing wrong with asking him.

MesmerisingMuon · 27/03/2025 17:43

It's not awkward.

"Boyfriend, it's lovely you want to go to your favourite restaurant for your birthday but as I've been made redundant I cannot afford this".

Any decent boyfriend will either say that doesn't matter, I am paying this time, or he will cancel the reservation and say that's fine I love a special home cooked meal.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/03/2025 17:44

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:41

I am just being awkward because I feel awkward about my situation. Thought I was resolving it by cooking dinner for us.

in the end I might just pay for it so a cloud isn’t hanging over his birthday - but reiterate that more generally I need to be careful not to eat out a lot etc just now.

If you don't feel comfortable having that conversation with him, or you don't think he'd understand - is it a relationship worth staying in? Why are you so scared of saying 'you know I can't afford to pay for an expensive meal out, Trevor, do you want to pay and I'll treat you when I'm in a better position, or should I cook as originally suggested?'?