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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend’s birthday dinner - paying awkwardness.

99 replies

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:18

Until recently my boyfriend and I earned the same decent salary. Treat each other to meals and especially on our birthdays.

I’ve been made redundant and I have to watch my money until I have money coming in again. So I offered to cook a meal for his birthday but he wanted to go to his favourite restaurant instead and booked it.

I feel awkward now because it’s a fancy place and I can’t really afford to pay for us both without worrying about other payments. He may well be intending to cover the meal knowing this but didn’t say. AIBU?

OP posts:

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 27/03/2025 17:46

Just ask him. Text him and say “this is awkward but I need to check before we go out. Right now I can’t afford to buy us both dinner out for your birthday, which is why I offered to cook. I can go halves but I’m sorry I can’t treat you this time round. Let me know what you’d like to do as I’m still happy to cook you a meal at home if you’d like me to treat you that way.”

presumably you have sex and he’s seen you naked. If you can be intimate like that you’ve got to be able to ask him this sort of question or you’re setting your future relationship up for awkwardness and unsaid things and second guessing.

Original poster

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:46

@Bumblebeestiltskin because even though I know the circumstance isn’t my fault, I feel ashamed that I can’t comfortably pay.

I think he’d understand. This is about me and wanting him to have a great birthday. I’ll need to say something tonight.

OP posts:

quincyquince · 27/03/2025 17:46

If this is your boyfriend, presumably for some time, you just need to be honest with him.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 27/03/2025 17:48

That’s great OP please do ask him.

Whatever you do, don’t treat him to a dinner you can’t afford and then tell him that now you have to be careful and you’re skint etc etc. that’s just passive aggressive and will take all the pleasure out of his birthday meal for you both retrospectively.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/03/2025 17:50

I mean this kindly, but - get a bloody grip! You've been made redundant and have no money coming in until you get another job, whatever money you do have must be used as sparingly as you can to eke it out until such time.

You're supposed to be in a relationship! That should mean, surely, that you TALK to each other! This time, along the lines of 'I know it's your birthday and normally I'd enjoy treating you to a restaurant meal, but 'normally' involves me having a job. I know you booked X Restaurant, but I simply cannot afford to pay that right now - which is why I offered to cook for you. So, your birthday meal - are you paying or am I cooking? Those are the only options available.'

SunshineAndFizz · 27/03/2025 17:52

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:41

I am just being awkward because I feel awkward about my situation. Thought I was resolving it by cooking dinner for us.

in the end I might just pay for it so a cloud isn’t hanging over his birthday - but reiterate that more generally I need to be careful not to eat out a lot etc just now.

Agree with everyone who says you need to talk about it.

If necessary send him a text when he’s not around “Hey just wanted to check in about your birthday meal…as you know I’ve been made redundant so I’ve got a lot less cash than usual. Unfortunately it means I won’t be able to treat you and pay for the full meal for your birthday (which I’d ordinarily love to do). I don’t expect you to pay either, which is why I suggested I cook for you. Shall I cook for you and we can go out another time once I have a job again? “

SoFlippinCold · 27/03/2025 17:52

Is this a new relationship? Are you both quite young?

gannett · 27/03/2025 17:53

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:41

I am just being awkward because I feel awkward about my situation. Thought I was resolving it by cooking dinner for us.

in the end I might just pay for it so a cloud isn’t hanging over his birthday - but reiterate that more generally I need to be careful not to eat out a lot etc just now.

Oh my god don't pay it and do hinty-hinty stuff. TALK TO HIM. COMMUNICATE. "I offered to cook instead of going out because as you know, I've been made redundant and I had a sudden expense this week, so I can't afford a fancy restaurant - if you really want to go, you'll have to pay this time." Then say you'll make it up to him by paying for a meal out when your finances are in order, if you want.

Your unwillingness to communicate your perfectly normal situation is the problem. And if he's a decent guy he won't feel there's a cloud over his birthday at all.

SausageMonkey2 · 27/03/2025 17:54

I say this kindly. You will go through more than this as a couple if you are together into old age. If you can’t say….i don’t want to pay for this right now / this isn’t a priority for me right now - then that’s not good.

stanleypops66 · 27/03/2025 17:54

You are being unreasonable because you should’ve said you can’t afford it at the time.

LollyLand · 27/03/2025 17:56

It’s a basic conversation surely? If you can’t talk about simple things then what are you doing together?

SapphireSeptember · 27/03/2025 17:57

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:41

I'm assuming, maybe wrongly, that the OP got a payout so saying you can't afford it seems disingenuous and a bit mean.

Whether she got a payout or not is irrelevant if she needs that money for rent/mortgage and bills! She also mentioned she had an unexpected household repair this week.

SunnyViper · 27/03/2025 17:57

What happened to couples being able to talk to each other?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 27/03/2025 17:58

YABU to not have mentioned it at the time. You need to grow up and TALK to him

ClarasSisters · 27/03/2025 18:00

Yabu to not just have a simple conversation about it. Presumably he's aware you've been made redundant/don't have a lot of spare cash about so it shouldn't come as a shock to him that you can't afford to treat him to an expensive restaurant. If he can't/won't get his head around that one I'd be rethinking the relationship personally.

L0bstersLass · 27/03/2025 18:00

@Carswell Tell him this: "I totally understand that you prefer to go out for a meal on your birthday rather than me cooking for us. Thanks for booking it, what an unexpected treat!

I'll get thinking for an alternative birthday gift for you".

Hatty65 · 27/03/2025 18:04

Your relationship with this man will never last if you are unable to say clearly, 'I cannot afford to pay for a meal out now I've lost my job. That's why I offered to cook a meal for you. Unless you are intending to pay the entire bill, I'm not able to come to 'Overpriced Eating' on Friday night. It's not in my budget at the moment'.

Clear, direct honest communication. Otherwise you are doomed. Life will throw a lot more than this at you.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 27/03/2025 18:06

You should have said it to him when he booked, "you realise I can't afford this while I'm out of work?" and made it clear from the outset.

What ages are you and how long have you been together?

gannett · 27/03/2025 18:06

I actually had something similar in the early years of dating DP (we'd already settled on taking each other out to restaurants instead of giving gifts on birthdays). A client was very late paying me a very large sum so I had to tell him his birthday meal would be at least a month late that year. It was a non-issue.

howdoyoudooooo · 27/03/2025 18:11

Good grief, you’re in an adult relationship with someone but can’t just talk to them about this? It’s not even a difficult conversation! Be straight, do it sooner rather than later, don’t drop hints or hope he’ll read between the lines. Do you need help with how to word it?

andthat · 27/03/2025 18:11

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:28

@Jk987 tbh I can probably afford one meal. It would just been nice for him to not expect it this one time when he knows my circumstances.

I had to pay for an unexpected household repair this week which he also knows.

@Carswell And this is the main point…

Your boyfriend is either uncaring about your circumstances… or thoughtless.

Neither is great. The awkwardness is his, not yours.

Tell him you can’t afford it. Nothing awkward about that if you’ve got a good relationship.

Redundancy happens all the time. I’m sorry it’s knocked your confidence.

orangedream · 27/03/2025 18:12

When he insisted on the restaurant instead of you cooking, you should have asked if he was happy to pay this time as you are job hunting.

Definitely don't pay and then guilt him by saying how you can't really afford it. Mention it before going.

howdoyoudooooo · 27/03/2025 18:12

andthat · 27/03/2025 18:11

@Carswell And this is the main point…

Your boyfriend is either uncaring about your circumstances… or thoughtless.

Neither is great. The awkwardness is his, not yours.

Tell him you can’t afford it. Nothing awkward about that if you’ve got a good relationship.

Redundancy happens all the time. I’m sorry it’s knocked your confidence.

Show quote history

No, he’s not either uncaring or thoughtless. For all we know, he’s planning to pay for it all himself and just wants to enjoy his favourite restaurant on his birthday with his gf and he’s not remotely bothered about paying for it. But we don’t know because OP won’t even talk to him about it.

Vaxtable · 27/03/2025 18:15

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:41

I'm assuming, maybe wrongly, that the OP got a payout so saying you can't afford it seems disingenuous and a bit mean.

Oh get real. It may not be easy to find another job, who knows and in the meantime the redundancy payment may not be a lot and op has to pay all bills until she gets a new job

i would be doing the same as sorry my bills and paying for my home is more important than a meal out, when you can cook a special meal at home

Op just tell him you can’t afford it hence offering to cook. If he doesn’t understand he’s not the one for you

Gymnopedie · 27/03/2025 18:19

OP I get why you're feeling vulnerable. Our job is one of the things that we use to define ourselves (how often when we meet someone new is one of the first questions 'what do you do?'). And being employed gives you a place in the world and is a source of pride.

But it happens. It's not personal, it's not a reflection on you, it's not saying you're a bad person. So try not to see it as meaning you're a failure, you're not.

In terms of the meal, please don't risk what little money you have because of your pride. Talk to your partner. If you can't do that, or if he reacts badly, this isn't a relationship that's going anywhere. I hope that in fact he'd be supportive.

And in a wider sense, please try to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and recognise that you are not lesser because you've been made redundant.

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