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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s birthday dinner - paying awkwardness.

99 replies

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:18

Until recently my boyfriend and I earned the same decent salary. Treat each other to meals and especially on our birthdays.

I’ve been made redundant and I have to watch my money until I have money coming in again. So I offered to cook a meal for his birthday but he wanted to go to his favourite restaurant instead and booked it.

I feel awkward now because it’s a fancy place and I can’t really afford to pay for us both without worrying about other payments. He may well be intending to cover the meal knowing this but didn’t say. AIBU?

OP posts:
Toptotoe · 27/03/2025 20:14

I find it very odd that this conversation is such a big deal to you. Relationships are built on effective communication. Your financial situation has changed and you need to have a discussion about it and what needs to change etc until you get another job.

BigTimeMummy · 27/03/2025 20:22

There's only one thing for it, take up smoking in the time running up to his birthday, then when the meal is done "pop out for a smoke" and do a runner.

sandyhappypeople · 27/03/2025 20:32

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:46

@Bumblebeestiltskin because even though I know the circumstance isn’t my fault, I feel ashamed that I can’t comfortably pay.

I think he’d understand. This is about me and wanting him to have a great birthday. I’ll need to say something tonight.

I hope you do talk to him, because if he is the prospect of a long term relationship, where you would at some point maybe move in together and share finances then you need to know when one of you is down, the other will be there to want to pick you up again and vice versa.

How he responds to this situation is going to be extremely telling, if he pouts or gets mardy he is not the one for you OP, if he says no problem at all I was going to pay anyway then he is more of a keeper.

The fact that you couldn't find it in you to just respond and tell him the reason you said you were going to cook is a bit worrying though to be honest, it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, being sensible with money when you don't have an active income stream is extremely sensible and is exactly what you should be doing right now.

SunnySideDeepDown · 27/03/2025 20:34

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:37

@Seeingadistance he suggested I cook the next night instead.

He obviously has it in his head he wants to go to this restaurant in his actual birthday.

If he’s the one for you, he’ll understand when you tell him how you feel.

TheseCalmSeas · 27/03/2025 20:48

He must already know money is tight if he knows about the redundancy.

It’s a concern that you can’t talk to him regardless of feeling a bit awkward. This isn’t some distant colleague or friend, it’s your partner.

Boredofbeinganadult · 27/03/2025 21:04

Can you go to a cheaper restaurant that he likes? If not stretch to a takeaway?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/03/2025 21:11

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:41

I'm assuming, maybe wrongly, that the OP got a payout so saying you can't afford it seems disingenuous and a bit mean.

But a redundancy payment is all the money OP has until she gets a job and she doesn't know how long that will take. Depending on how long she was with her previous employer, the payment may be quite small.

She's certainly not being mean.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 27/03/2025 21:48

MesmerisingMuon · 27/03/2025 17:43

It's not awkward.

"Boyfriend, it's lovely you want to go to your favourite restaurant for your birthday but as I've been made redundant I cannot afford this".

Any decent boyfriend will either say that doesn't matter, I am paying this time, or he will cancel the reservation and say that's fine I love a special home cooked meal.

This

You're about to find out if he's a keeper.

Bathnet · 27/03/2025 22:01

It’s a red flag that you can’t discuss this openly with each other

BunnyLake · 27/03/2025 22:13

I can’t afford it lovey, so unless you don’t mind paying (all or half?) it’ll have to be Plan A again, I’ll cook you something nice.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/03/2025 07:35

IPM · 27/03/2025 18:30

Just do a runner when the waiter brings the bill.

I suspect OP would rather do this than actually have a conversation about it!!

RedSkyDelights · 28/03/2025 07:53

andthat · 27/03/2025 18:51

They do.

Though if your partner has just lost their job, how difficult is it to be considerate about their circumstances?

Show quote history

But what does "being considerate" mean?

in an adult relationship this means that when BF suggests the expensive restaurant, OP says "sorry I can't afford it" and BF instantly either says that of course he would pay, or that's not a problem and they will stick with the meal at home.

Being "considerate" doesn't mean assuming your girlfriend is broke just becuase they've lost their job. I got over a year's salary when I was made redundant. I would think my boyfriend had lost the plot if he'd felt we couldn't go out for a meal on his birthday on the basis of being "considerate".

Unless OP has been totally open and frank about what she can and can't afford (which we already know she hasn't), how is he to know? A relationship is about communicating needs, not hinting or making assumptions.

Yellowsunbeams · 28/03/2025 08:01

Please don't pay for an expensive dinner for the selfish prat you call your boyfriend. I know the concept of gentlemen is a bit outdated but I can tell you that no decent man would expect you to pay in your present circumstances and he'd reassure you about him being the one paying before it became an issue.

For what it's worth I lost my job once. I was relatively young and was shellshocked. I suspect a bit of it was my fault in being naive about how the business worked and what was valued. It did really knock my confidence. Happily, my career took off later and I am now in a very well paid senior role. My husband has been my greatest cheerleader since I met him and he helped me in regaining my confidence. He would never expect somebody who'd just been made redundant to buy him an expensive dinner.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 28/03/2025 08:08

You obviously need to discuss it so you are not worrying about it and so that his expectations are clear. It's fine for him to pay but make sure he knows this. Hopefully he does if he booked it.

Maggiethecat · 28/03/2025 08:41

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 17:41

I'm assuming, maybe wrongly, that the OP got a payout so saying you can't afford it seems disingenuous and a bit mean.

Perhaps her payout wasn’t very substantial? Perhaps the restaurant is expensive? Perhaps she’s concerned about how long it will take her to land another job?

Mookie81 · 28/03/2025 19:19

I think the reason she doesn't want to ask him if he's paying is because, if he says no, she has to face the fact he's a prick and will either have to dump him and be alone, or live with staying with a prick.

Darls3000 · 28/03/2025 19:22

How strange you don’t just tell him. Do you feel you can’t be open about this? And it’s very obvious if you’re without income than you have to curtail spending a bit. I am sure he would totally understand that. And it was a lovely gesture to offer to book a meal for him.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 28/03/2025 20:24

You can't let him pay for his own birthday dinner. That's tragic. If you can't pay ,just say so.! No money,no job,household repair.Need to make my redundancy money stretch until I get a new job. Offer to cook again.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/03/2025 22:35

Totally understandable how you feel OP.
It was rude of him to book the restaurant after you'd offered to cook. Hopefully it was him just not thinking.

Hope conversation goes well. If you'd still like to treat him, maybe suggest postponing the meal.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 28/03/2025 22:39

If he booked the restaurant without consultation and expected you to pay knowing you’d just lost your job then my god, what a selfish dick he is. Have the convo. Find out if he’s a thoughtless knob or not.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 29/03/2025 18:56

Carswell · 27/03/2025 17:24

i think he is probably planning to cover the cost but he didn’t say.

I feel like I’m making his birthday into an awkward conversation but this is just how it is for me at the moment.

‘BF - can we stay in and have a romantic evening for your birthday this year? Things are a bit tight for me at the moment financially.’ Rip the plaster off. He can then offer to treat you or accept.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/03/2025 18:59

If he hadn't already worked it out, just plainly say 'I've just been made redundant, have no income and am really concerned about the cost of going out...' then he can respond with 'no worries, it's my treat' or 'sure, I get it, let's just have a meal at home like you said.' if he responds with anything that doesn't resemble either of those answers then you've got yourself a bit of a wrong un.

andthat · 30/03/2025 00:27

RedSkyDelights · 28/03/2025 07:53

But what does "being considerate" mean?

in an adult relationship this means that when BF suggests the expensive restaurant, OP says "sorry I can't afford it" and BF instantly either says that of course he would pay, or that's not a problem and they will stick with the meal at home.

Being "considerate" doesn't mean assuming your girlfriend is broke just becuase they've lost their job. I got over a year's salary when I was made redundant. I would think my boyfriend had lost the plot if he'd felt we couldn't go out for a meal on his birthday on the basis of being "considerate".

Unless OP has been totally open and frank about what she can and can't afford (which we already know she hasn't), how is he to know? A relationship is about communicating needs, not hinting or making assumptions.

Show quote history

Given she’s just lost her job and had offered to cook a birthday meal at home…considerate in these circumstances would be either making it clear you were paying if you wanted to change the plans to eat out… or ask if she’s happy to eat out in light of her circumstances.

.

mondaytosunday · 30/03/2025 02:01

Talk to him! I don’t understand how you can sleep with someone and yet not talk about this sort of thing.

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