Boyfriend’s birthday dinner - paying awkwardness.

[Carswell]

Until recently my boyfriend and I earned the same decent salary. Treat each other to meals and especially on our birthdays.

I’ve been made redundant and I have to watch my money until I have money coming in again. So I offered to cook a meal for his birthday but he wanted to go to his favourite restaurant instead and booked it.

I feel awkward now because it’s a fancy place and I can’t really afford to pay for us both without worrying about other payments. He may well be intending to cover the meal knowing this but didn’t say. AIBU?

which is all well and good… but he’s thoughtless at best as he hasn’t thought about how this might be cuaing money worries. He should have said ‘let’s go out…I’ll pay’

So yes, his ‘surprise’ is thoughtless.

in the end I might just pay for it so a cloud isn’t hanging over his birthday - but reiterate that more generally I need to be careful not to eat out a lot etc just now

I know you’ve said that you’re going to talk to him, but just in case you start to feel uncomfortable about doing that and wonder whether you should just go without so you can afford to pay, ask yourself how much of a cloud will be hanging over your relationship, knowing that he has let you go without, rather than reduce his expectations until you’re earning again. That would be the death knell of anything between you and you might as well dump him now.

Far better to talk to him and either give him the chance to reassure you he’s going to pay, show you that he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes but is generally a decent person when things are explained to him, or he’s a spoilt brat you need to run from.

Just do a runner when the waiter brings the bill.

Don’t be so silly. She hasn’t won the lottery ffs.

If she’s been there less than 2 years, she gets sod all. If she’s been there longer than that, and she’s the right age, she’s going to get a weeks pay for every year she’s been there. If she’s lucky, she’s got a few hundred to last her until she finds a new job. Could you stretch to a fancy restaurant in the same circumstances?

Fuck me! You’ve clearly never been on the bones of your arse, money wise! 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you’ve got bills to pay and not got a steady income then it’s ludicrous to waste any savings on a frivolous meal out and restaurant priced booze when a decent home cooked meal will be perfectly sufficient. She can always treat him to a meal out another time when the job situation is resolved. Surely it’s about the effort you go to for the other person rather than the cash you chuck at the situation, that is important here?

@Carswell OP, if this is a serious relationship then for goodness sake talk to him and explain about your current financial worries. Seeing how he responds to tricky situations where he might have to lower his expectations, is how you know whether he’s a keeper or not.

If he makes it all about himself, you can ditch him happy in the knowledge he wasn’t worth wasting any more of your time and effort on. 🙂

Communication is so important in a relationship. Neither of you are putting your cards on the table about this. It doesn’t bode well for the future to be honest if you can’t say Oi who’s paying for this fancy birthday dinner and he’s not volunteering his thoughts on who’s footing the bill.

Good grief. He's your boyfriend, not a distant work colleague - it's not like you don't know him well, ffs! You should be able to have a conversation about what you can or can't afford. It's ridiculous not to be able to be upfront about this sort of thing with someone you're in an intimate relationship with.

But does he really know her circumstances?
On the basis OP seems unable to spell out that she really can't afford to pay for this meal I'm assuming that she also hasn't been totally transparent about her exact financial situation. Her BF might well think that she has a large payout, or has plenty of savings. In a different situation it might be equally uncaring to assume that she must not want to go out anywhere just because she's lost her job.

Frankly they both need to work on their communication and not rely on hinting or assumptions, or there is not much future for the relationship.

Having insisted on an expensive restaurant, if he still expects you to pay when you have no job, he's not a keeper.

I mean if he wants to go to a nice restaurant for his birthday, why should he not be allowed that choice? Home dinners until you get a job - it's a bit much.

Offer to pay but let him if he offers and graciously say a heartfelt thank you.

You: Yo, I’ve got no wonga so you’re paying for this birthday meal, yeah? And I’m cooking you a birthday meal the day after as I suggested. Nice one. Looking forward to it! X

Him: yeah, course, I’m salivating just thinking of it all. Two days of feasting! Lucky me! X

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - if you know him
well enough to let him put his penis in you, you should be able to have a conversation about money with him!

just be honest and go from there. If he’s a decent bloke, he’ll appreciate that.

They do.

Though if your partner has just lost their job, how difficult is it to be considerate about their circumstances?

It’s not disingenuous at all, OP might be able to afford a meal out but then as said in original post she can’t do that without worrying about other payments. A birthday meal whilst nice isn’t a priority

Negotiate you can pay the majority of it up to a certain amount and he can pay the rest if he really keen on an expensive restaurant. Or offer to go to two other restaurants that are cheaper for you at the moment and let him choose.

OP said it would be a problem. Why are you questioning that?

Typical MN, ask random rather be an adult and just ask

I'm sure some others have said this but if he knows you are not working, why would he book an expensive restaurant for his birthday meal? How does he think you'll pay for it? Or is he planning to pay b/c he knows you can't?

Since you are not working, TELL him that you are not paying for this because you can't! Do not waste any of your payout money, which you need to tide you over, on a pointlessly expensive restaurant meal.

Isn't the most important part being together? Buy some steaks (or other luxury you like) and (make) some good sides to eat at home. Splurge on a bottle of wine (1/3 the price of restaurant wine lists) and enjoy each other's company. Dress up if you want

How long have you been together? I could communicate better than this with dh when we'd been together weeks.

Just tell him. Although tbh he should realise?

'Brian, usually we treat each other on our birthdays which has been lovely but now I've been made redundant I have to be careful with money and I can't afford a restaurant meal at the moment. That's why I offered to cook you a meal instead for your birthday. Are you able to cancel the booking or perhaps hold it off until I'm in a better financial position?'

My lovely DH is Estonian and in his culture it's common for the birthday person to cover the meal.

Exactly This!! You need to speak to him.

If you genuinely feel like you can’t talk to him about something as trivial as this you probably need to get to the bottom as to why. If this relationship continues, you’ll have much more difficult conversions to have than this one. You need to be honest with him. Perhaps he was intending to pay all along. If he expects you to pay after being made redundant, then he’s a selfish twat.

I don't see why it has to be an awkward conversation. Presumably he's aware of your financial situation? Just talk to him!