To be annoyed about this compliment about my hair

[PeriodHome]

I've been growing highlights out of my hair for a few years. In December I had my hair cut and restyled so all the highlights have gone.

I was out today with the bloke I'm seeing, and he said

'can I say something about your appearance? Your hair looks lighter now, It was very dark in December, it looks better now. Me and ......John noticed this after you had it cut.

I said I wasn't sure why he was telling me this and he said.

' I thought it might be helpful'

It's not a compliment, but in the same way that I would let a friend know she was looking better with her 'new' hair than her 'old' hair, it's an opinion that may be helpful if you weren't sure one way or the other. I mean, if I thought she used to love her 'old' hair, I'd keep quiet.

He runs a beauty salon, he's probably used ot discussing people's looks and what suits them and what doesn't.

Totally this.
But OP should now be reflecting on the dim nature of her boyfriend, to repeat it and not keep it to himself, and also that it hasn't actually occurred to him that she may not care a whit or want to hear about some backhanded compliment from him or his twit friend.

All in all he sounds like he isn't the brightest button in the box.....is he 16?

Why do men think women need their opinions and views, and fucking critiquing?! It smacks of negging, and assuming you need his validation. DH sometimes gives opinions and views that I didn't ask for, and I'm like 'yeah - errr I didn't ask you though.' I never do it to him, but he sometimes feels the need to spout his views on things I've done. (Sometimes positive, sometimes negative, sometimes something in between.)

And your bloke discussing your hair with other men? WTAF?

However @PeriodHome your subsequent posts on here (and how rude you are being to other posters who are just having a giggle,) is painting you in a bad light. You do need to lighten up a bit (on here!)

I’ve changed my hair recently and the number of people who - completely out of context - have said they like it better than it used to look is crazy.

Tell me my hair looks good today - fine

Tell me it’s better than before means ‘your hair used to look awful’ and makes me think I was walking round looking like shit.

That's probably because nobody dares comment on hair anymore, in case what they intend as a compliment comes out wrong, gets misinterpreted or they get told it's none of their business to comment on anyone's appearance! (Not related to OPs question as that's a different kettle of fish)

It’s rude !!!
If you’re happy with your hair why is he commenting on it ? And discussing it with a friend ? I think he is basically saying it was too dark back when u had it cut and now he likes it now it’s lighter but who cares what he thinks ???

I do love a batshit thread first thing in the morning 😵‍💫

I think both OP and bf need to work
on their communication skills. Op should dump bf if this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour but if a one off then move on. As my teenagers say-it’s not that deep.

So he is discussing your appearance with a mate. That would be a ‘no thank you’ from me. Would you do that? How would he feel if you and Sue from down the road were saying ‘oh yes, now he’s cut his hair he looks much better than he did’ and then you told him this?

Yeah that sounds more like an appraisal of your hairs performance.

If it's a one off badly formed comment then I'd give a sarcastic response to that effect. And ask him how often he and John sit down and critically review your appearance and do they keep minutes?

If it's not a one off, I'd have my eyes wide open for more red flags and be reconsidering the relationship.

@PeriodHome Try to ignore the mras who roam these boards. They love a reaction to their sexualized 'banter'. Saddos. I would be put off by such comments from your date. Especially the discussion with 'John' bit. Not the compliment some see it as.

I agree with all the comments saying it’s sexist )who the fuck cares what John thinks) and def has a big edge of negging/do what I prefer

It's not a compliment and who is John?!

It's not a compliment. He hasn't even said it's nice, just implied that it was so awful in December him and John had to have a discussion about it, and now it's "better".

I'm sure you're hair was lovely in December and now.

Agree with this. It sounds like he is auditioning you, not dating you. Thankfully John has had some input too so you can relax and not worry about it.

Weirdo that he is.

He's gone to the trouble of noticing and saying something positive. It might be a bit clumsier and less effusive than you would wish but that's not a crime if it's well intentioned, which I think it is.

No. He’s talked with his mate about her appearance and they have concluded that it’s better than it was. He has then informed her of this. It’s not a compliment. It’s a ‘grading’ of her looks. It’s a judgement. It shows that he not only judges her looks but also discusses this with his mate. He then doesn’t have the insight to see how misogynistic that is. Women have been judged on looks for a long time and this ‘appraisal’ process him and his mate entered into is archaic and unevolved. Yuk.

Agree. Dump. 👍🏻

Can't believe blokes are interested in discussion their mate's partner's hair FFS.

Does he CC John in on everything? “I think we should make bolognese for tea tonight, John agrees.”

It's clumsy manspeak for 'you look more attractive now than you did at Christmas' as a hint to not style or colour your hair the way it was at Christmas. A bit annoying, yes, but it's up to you how you feel about his 'helpful' advice.

There's always one.
OP does not have to be grateful for this.

Well be honest they do get a trouncing on here, I often feel they can’t do right for doing wrong. Everyone analyses too much, just get on with life, live it and enjoy it instead of calling people out on every look and every word spoken.

you’re allowed to feel your feelings OP … but I’m married to a wonderful kind, hardworking man who always manages to put his foot in his mouth about women’s hair given the smallest opportunity so I just wouldn’t give it brain space tbh

Is John his other personality or a real person?

Is he very young? Like, in the age group where approval from his mates is very important?

Either way, tell him tonight "that shirt is much nicer than the one you were wearing last Tuesday. I dont really like the one you were wearing last Tuesday. The one you're wearing tonight is much better. Susie thinks so too."

Alternatively, "Sandra thinks your nose is too big but I think that little bump is cute. Sally says with ears like that no-one is looking at your nose."

Oh please! Can we seriously stop suggesting women dump partners and completely upend their lives off the back of a trivial comment? I honestly don’t know what world some MNs live in.