To be annoyed about this compliment about my hair

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I've been growing highlights out of my hair for a few years. In December I had my hair cut and restyled so all the highlights have gone.

I was out today with the bloke I'm seeing, and he said

'can I say something about your appearance? Your hair looks lighter now, It was very dark in December, it looks better now. Me and ......John noticed this after you had it cut.

I said I wasn't sure why he was telling me this and he said.

' I thought it might be helpful'

What if your dating a bloke who had a mustache when you first met then he decided to shave it off. Would you not be allowed to express your opinion. Katie and I were saying the other day it suits you not having the moustache'

This. Probably a clumsy attempt at a compliment. I would let it go.

Do you consult your friends on his appearance and give him your collective feedback, though? Or tell him you prefer his hair now in the context of how much worse it looked before?

Partners expressing a preference to one another is not quite the same thing as what’s gone on here, which is probably why the OP feels uncomfortable about it.

Here we go again with the Mumsnet Forensic Analysis Team, every single word and nuance has to be forensically analysed, men will be afraid to speak soon!
It sounds like a clumsy complement to me, just accept it as such.

Well personally I would be a bit dubious about some guy who made unsolicited comments about my hair unless I was just back from the hairdressers or had done something really drastic to it since the last time I saw him.
But the bit which would put me on my guard and really make me wonder about him would be the fact he obviously discusses my personal appearance with his friends and colleagues. And what else does he share about you with them? I wouldn't be happy about that aspect of his comment at all.

I should add that this bloke doesn’t sound malicious, just a bit of a clod with a very inept communication style, but I’d nevertheless be letting him know how few fucks I give about John’s opinion of my hair, and how unimpressed I am that he thought it appropriate to discuss my looks with a work colleague.

If he has form for undermining you then I’d be annoyed but if he is just expressing his opinion in an awkward way and he is supportive and kind usually then I’d move on.

I think your forgetting how much women share with each other! The difference is women tend not to relay what has been discussed whereas this guy has just said it not really thinking.

Oh dear
sense of humour bypass

The ick is that he thinks that it’s his and johns place to passs judgement on your hair and then deliver that judgement to you as an important factor for you to take into account

I’d feel the same as you, OP.

rings of ‘me and John were discussing how less attractive you looked with dark hair before, and we now agree you look much prettier blonde’.

not something I’d be delighted about either

Oh yes, the poor men 🙄🙄

It's what I'd call a back handed compliment. I'd say something similar back to him about his appearance and see how he likes it!

Then maybe have a think about whether he is really someone you want to be in a relationship with.

Yes.

I really wouldn’t compliment my dh by telling him I’d been talking about his physical appearance with my friends and that we all thought he looked better without a moustache. I might do it to because I hated his moustache and wanted to stop him growing the moustache back, but then it wouldn’t really be a compliment.

He’s saying that the blonder your hair is the better it looks.

NOT a compliment.

But do you think it looks better now

This, sounds like a clumsy attempt at a complement. I wouldn't waste brain space on it.

It’s a weird way to say it. What’s wrong with ‘I like your hair, it suits you lighter. John mentioned it looks great too’

Oh tbh I’d just ignore it & move on.

But I'm sure it might be something that gets brought up when your having a natter with your mates, you just wouldn't mention it to your partner. Some guys are a bit more clumsy.

Yes, I say to him I like your hair better now than when I could see the skin through it. I also spoke about not liking it when he shaved his beard off with my friends, in front of him. Some of us aren't so easily offended!

YANBU.

It would make me wonder what other aspects of me and my appearance he was discussing with John.

I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a clumsy compliment. Hes basically telling you that him and John didnt like your new haircut in December which is rude. The "I thought it might be helpful" didnt help either. Like you can't decide the right hairstyle for yourself without their (men's) opinion. Hopefully he's just a bit dim.

I hate “You look so much better now” compliments too. They’re so backhanded. They’re a part of life and a normal part of conversation in our culture here so I just have to suck it up.