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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this shouldn't have happened to me after giving birth? (Possible trigger warning although I don't know how to categorise it)

77 replies

MarmaladeBagel · 25/03/2025 00:25

I had a baby eight years ago when me and dp were in our early twenties. We were watching telly this evening and there was a scene where a woman gave birth and it prompted a conversation about my labour/birth experience, hence this thread as I'm now just looking for perspective...

I had a natural birth and a second degree tear, no pain relief but gas and air throughout labour, my choice and I coped well with just the gas for labour and birth.

After the birth a surgeon was called into the room to examine me, because I'd torn, and the midwife gave me the gas and air back before he started. The gas and air was not sufficient at all for whatever he was doing to me, it was excruciating. To the point I begged him to stop and he didn't straight away. In my mind I have a memory of saying "please please stop" with my legs in those stirrups, essentially trapped on the bed and panicking/begging. He then stopped and I was given anaesthetic for the actual stitches. And it was the same doctor who did then repair me which of course I am grateful for.

Dp told me earlier tonight that it's a really horrible memory for him too and the way I was begging went right through him as he was just holding and looking down at our little baby, so it's a very clear and vivid memory for him as well. It's really made me think and validated how traumatic it was. I've had 2 smear tests 3 years apart since I've given birth and thought about this moment during both of them, very annoyingly.

I would like to know if my experience of being examined after a tear and before anaesthetic is normal or unusual, I genuinely don't know. Never had another baby.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 25/03/2025 00:32

Explanation would have been nice for you at the time.

Maybe some repair needed happening straight away to assist with bleeding. It's a terrible memory that you have so it's valid that you are affected by it.
Do you think you need to seek professional counselling?
Do you need to meet with surgeon to hear an explanation, or to ask some questions?

Ponoka7 · 25/03/2025 00:32

Women aren't given adequate pain relief generally and specifically during anything gynecological or maternity related. All of the research and experiences show that.

Original poster
MarmaladeBagel · 25/03/2025 00:36

user1492757084 · 25/03/2025 00:32

Explanation would have been nice for you at the time.

Maybe some repair needed happening straight away to assist with bleeding. It's a terrible memory that you have so it's valid that you are affected by it.
Do you think you need to seek professional counselling?
Do you need to meet with surgeon to hear an explanation, or to ask some questions?

My understanding was that he was assessing the damage rather than stopping any bleeding or anything.

I think I'm just looking for validation at this point, it was 8 years ago so I don't think I would reach out to the hospital now.

OP posts:
Sansan18 · 25/03/2025 00:38

I had similar experiences with 2 of my deliveries.
I always remember being told that it shouldn't be painful as if that excused it.
My 2nd experience was in August when the new medical students had been unleashed and the woman who dealt with me really didn't have a clue.The midwives obviously knew this and wouldn't even look at me when I complained about the pain, they just busied themselves around the room and I recall being so disappointed in them.

FairlyTired · 25/03/2025 00:44

That's the same experience I had. I'm not sure why they have to check before anaesthetic, maybe to tell where to inject? Or make sure there isn't anything major risk wise that needs sorting a different way?

SnowFrogJelly · 25/03/2025 01:00

I had a tear but had local anaesthetic so didn’t feel anything during the repair

Nopicplease · 25/03/2025 01:02

I tore with 2 of my dc, and you're right. Them "checking" is excruciating.
Where else would anybody have a cut and then have someone check it out like that?

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/03/2025 01:17

I don't remember what anaesthetic I had before getting stitches after childbirth but I had surgery 10 days ago under local anaesthetic and realise it takes no time at all to numb areas.

Eenameenadeeka · 25/03/2025 01:18

In my experience, yes, it's normal to first look at the tear before anaesthetic, as they need to know how bad it is first as to how they will repair. It sounds like he could have communicated better with you.

Original poster
MarmaladeBagel · 25/03/2025 01:22

Thankyou for your comments. I'm sorry that others have had similar experiences. I didn't question it much at the time but I was early twenties, so I think it's being in my thirties now and looking back that I question if I was treated properly as a woman. It's good to know it wasn't particularly unusual even if it was horrible.

OP posts:
TISagoodday · 25/03/2025 01:27

I recently gave birth and had an extremely intrusive examination by a doctor, it was absolutely brutal and I complained and midwives did the rest of my examination. The same exam- completely different experience. Can you complain? It made me feel better to know that others wouldn't be subjected to someone who did not care to do something more gently. But I too remember it very vividly and can't help it popping into my head.
Sorry you went through something that sounds really traumatic.
Speaking up to the other hospital staff really helped me
Xx

TISagoodday · 25/03/2025 01:29

Just reread and seen this was eight years ago so complaining may not be the way here. Maybe as others have said talking to a professional about it

DrPrunesqualer · 25/03/2025 01:41

20 plus years ago
Third degree tear
September birth( I mention this as it had never occurred to me I may have been seen by a student doctor as pp noted)

After a 27 hour labour at home and rushed to hospital in an ambulance with ds who was a back to back birth I was exhausted . I gave birth literally as I entered the room and then had my legs put in stirrups, a doctor rushed in, looked and started stitching me up without any anaesthesia. I’d had gas and air for the birth nothing more.

Like you OP I was screaming and shouting for him to stop and actually hit him at one point as he told ( shouted ) at me to stop screaming. I really had no idea what was going on, no one told me or dh a thing. As I was hitting him He stopped and shouted take her to theatre.
So I was wheeled straight to theatre, given an epidural and stitched up.

The whole experience was horrendous but I was so out of it I didn’t complain, I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, I really was like some sort of zombie.

Its an experience I will never forget and never can as that first doctor it seems had started stitching and hadn’t ‘joined me up properly’ so I have a tag of skin to this day. A constant reminder of the way I was treated.

askmenow · 25/03/2025 02:10

From my nursing experience, I can honestly say that male Gynae surgeons are the absolute worst of the medical profession. misogynistic, brutalist members of the medical profession. They treat women like slabs of meat.
It’s shocking the way many behave in theatre.

Had I been in that delivery suite OP, I would have stopped him stitching. No excuse for the nursing staffs abrogation of duty to their patient in that situation. Shame on them they should have spoken up.
One of the reasons I stopped working in theatres. They had a God complex and gynaecological theatres were the worst for bad behaviours.

I treat all male Gynae surgeons with a level of distrust and disdain.
Why would they choose to go into that branch of surgery when there are so many other equally rewarding areas.

Lilacmauve77 · 25/03/2025 02:21

This totally resonates! 19 years ago but I remember it so clearly.
I’d had an epidural but it hadn’t taken properly, was being stitched up in surgery after a bleed post birth, surgeon talking over me like I wasn’t there, I could feel everything and told him so. He replied with, ‘no, you can’t feel that,’ I told him I could, he them proceeded to prod me somewhere around my very sore nether regions in a massively undignified manner. I most definitely could feel it and told him so, so he reluctantly gave me some local anaesthetic.

i can laugh about it now (ish) but at the time i felt helpless, humiliated and incredibly vulnerable. The prodding me whilst telling me I couldn’t feel it really made me feel less than human.
Such a shame that things don’t seem to have improved.

Mumofthreewonderfulkids · 25/03/2025 02:35

your Notes will be with your Gp they will be able to tell you why this happened. I won’t speculate because you’re just wanting to know . Ask you Gp. I had a bad bleed and my Gp was even able to tell me how much I lost. It will settle your mind. As it may have been necessary 🫶

Tiredofallthis101 · 25/03/2025 02:35

I had a second degree tear and no painful exam, the midwife stitched me up. I remember the local anesthetic going in being agony though, worse than the birth for me albeit obviously shorter lived!

MildlyMiserable · 25/03/2025 03:06

It’s 21 years ago for me.
the midwife (didn’t even realise it should have been a doctor) put my legs in stirrups and inserted a tampon to hold the bleeding while she stitched me, when she inserted the tampon I nearly jumped out of the stirrups the pain was so searing - she told me to stop being dramatic, it was tiny compared with the baby I had just delivered - no consideration for any tears on the inside.
No pain meds offered and no anaesthetic either, but the midwife had been horrific throughout.
I found out after the event she worked in law during the week and as a midwife one weekend a month to retain her registration - I hope this practice is no longer allowed.

Kittylickingplate · 25/03/2025 03:20

Same happened to me, awful!
Same to my SIL and she kicked him in the face!

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2025 03:32

The resident cut me to prevent a tear. She said the skin was so tight it really wouldn't hurt. I had nothing. NOTHING for pain during labor, and it was too late for an epidural.

After the baby was born, the actual Obstetrician went to sew me up. He said, "Get your hips down from the ceiling, that Novocaine hasn't had time to wear off yet." I growled, "WHAT NOVOCAINE?!?!"

He said, "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry." and was very gentle after that. I heard him muttering about her cutting all the way to my rectum, and asking if she thought I was delivering a linebacker.

I went home with too many stitches, and the prettiest baby girl, and decided 2 kids were enough.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/03/2025 05:16

Two midwives and a doctor repeatedly told me I couldn't feel my contractions after a failed epidural. In spite of the fact I was very clearly in pain and was telling them I definitely could feel them. They told me I couldn't feel them. I mean, WTAF?

The treatment of women during and after labour and delivery is a disgrace. I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

EdinburghTimezone · 25/03/2025 05:49

I've no experience of this, but the experience of giving birth can be extremely traumatic and some hospitals recognise this now and are willing to offer a debrief to go through what happened and why, and let you say how it affected you.
That doctor was way out of order not stopping immediately when you told him to. As a doctor and a human being he should have recognised that you were refusing that particular bit of treatment and sought to reduce your very obvious pain.
He was wrong.
If you feel unfinished about this and don't want to complain, you might do a bit o awareness raising so that other new mums are better prepared.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 25/03/2025 05:54

My midwife stitched me and used local anaesthetic, and it was painless each time. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, the surgeon sounds terrible. They throughly deserve women kicking and thumping them, I certainly would.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/03/2025 06:03

13:years ago. I was given some sort of numbing injection but it didn't work. I felt every stitch. I didn't realise how much it affected me until I was PG with dc2. I ended up changing hospital because of it and had a much better experience.

Libertysparkle · 25/03/2025 06:03

Readbg these experiences is awful.
I had 2nd degree tear. I remember a Dr checking it was 2nd degree, and then the female midwife gave anaesthetic. No pain. I don't remember on my 2nd birth.
Maybe ask to see your notes. I'm sorry you went through that.