To think this shouldn't have happened to me after giving birth? (Possible trigger warning although I don't know how to categorise it)

[MarmaladeBagel]

I had a baby eight years ago when me and dp were in our early twenties. We were watching telly this evening and there was a scene where a woman gave birth and it prompted a conversation about my labour/birth experience, hence this thread as I'm now just looking for perspective...

I had a natural birth and a second degree tear, no pain relief but gas and air throughout labour, my choice and I coped well with just the gas for labour and birth.

After the birth a surgeon was called into the room to examine me, because I'd torn, and the midwife gave me the gas and air back before he started. The gas and air was not sufficient at all for whatever he was doing to me, it was excruciating. To the point I begged him to stop and he didn't straight away. In my mind I have a memory of saying "please please stop" with my legs in those stirrups, essentially trapped on the bed and panicking/begging. He then stopped and I was given anaesthetic for the actual stitches. And it was the same doctor who did then repair me which of course I am grateful for.

Dp told me earlier tonight that it's a really horrible memory for him too and the way I was begging went right through him as he was just holding and looking down at our little baby, so it's a very clear and vivid memory for him as well. It's really made me think and validated how traumatic it was. I've had 2 smear tests 3 years apart since I've given birth and thought about this moment during both of them, very annoyingly.

I would like to know if my experience of being examined after a tear and before anaesthetic is normal or unusual, I genuinely don't know. Never had another baby.

I was told I wouldn’t need pain relief as your body numbs the area during labour. It was not numb during labour and it was not numb during the stitching. I was crying in pain. I look back now and wish I’d said something.

Not quite the same but my midwife performed an episiotomy without local anaesthetic (NHS guidelines say they should) and that pain on top of labour tipped me over the edge - sheer, sheer agony. Also had a failed epidural and gas & air was useless. Both DH and I agree that the midwife never said anything to imply that baby needed to get out urgently so we don’t know why I was not given local anaesthetic.

I was in so much pain when DS was born that when they placed him on me I was so out of it I could barely see, let alone acknowledge him. After a few minutes I said to DH take him as I was in too much pain, which really spoilt those precious early moments.

Additionally, at one point during labour when I was in terrible pain I noticed a group of people standing in the room. I counted 11 of them - turns out it was a consultant with a group of medical students coming in to look at a woman in labour. I did not consent to this and wish I had later complained. It’s easy to say ‘oh when you are deep in labour you won’t care who is in the room,’ but actually I think that it’s pretty shitty to do this to a woman who is in a very vulnerable state and in no way able to consent to that.

The whole experience put me off having another baby, and if I had I would have insisted on a CS. Some women have a really shitty experience in childbirth and recovery which is disgraceful in 2025. I didn’t know about birth debriefs otherwise I would have asked why but it was ten years ago now.

I remember this with DC1. At one point they used a dry swab to go around and ‘check’ which was agony.

Didn't have it with any other children through strangely.

I had a very similar experience. The doctor who came in to do the stitches wasn't told I had no epidural. It was excruciating. I thought my fiancé was going to go for him. It was my first so I didn't know if it was normal or what was going on.... It did make me wonder if part of the reason recovery after epidural is slower is because they go to fucking town thinking "ah sure she can't feel this so I'll work away down here without much care"....

I had a very similar experience although my delivery was very long, back to back and I had an episiotomy so obviously needed stitches. The doctor who did it was very ‘enthusiastic’, said I wouldn’t need anaesthetic and the gas and air tank was empty. She actually told me to stop making such a fuss! I could happily have throttled her. I still have flashbacks 40 years later, and find celebrating my daughter’s birthday quite difficult.

That is absolutely crazy I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm really lucky after I'd given birth a surgeon came to see the baby as I had a rare pregnancy complication. My midwife had been awful throughout my labor and said I only need a few stitches and she'd do them. The surgeon checked me and immediately decided I'd need to go to theatre as I had a third degree tear. She was so brilliant and made sure I was in no pain throughout and I had two nurses giving me support. It was the complete opposite of the treatment I had in labour and the way it should be. Women should not be traumatised having babies and it was inhumane what you had to go through.

I had the same OP. Two births now, both with no pain relief but second degree tears. The first time I was 'investigated' to check for tears, I have no memory of pain at all. The midwife was very gentle and professional. This time around (baby eight weeks ago) it was agony, I felt there was no trying to be gentle or to make me comfortable, I was screeching in pain. I told the midwife it was really hurting and she said "well you have just had a baby"

I have been the midwife doing this before. NOT telling women they're being dramatic, or that they can't feel pain that they clearly can. But checking for a tear and then suturing it.
The problem with giving the anaesthetic before starting the repair is that a) we can only give a small amount of local anaesthetic and b) we have to be able to see where we're injecting it, to make sure we're not injecting into a blood vessel - it has to be injected into the tissues, not directly into your bloodstream, as that would be really dangerous.
So we have to do a proper assessment of the whole vaginal canal before we can safely give any anaesthetic. For some women, depending on their own anatomy, pain threshold, and how/where they've torn, this will be uncomfortable, and for others, it will be excruciating. If you have a small tear right at the perineum, then it might not be too bad, but imagine having lots of little grazes all the way back along the vaginal wall (which wouldn't be sutured) - even the gentlest touching would be incredibly painful.
That's not an excuse for how some of you have been spoken to or treated. It's never OK to dismiss someone's pain or to carry out a procedure without explaining it properly. I'm just addressing the question of why the anaesthetic can't be given before the suturing starts, and why that is so painful for some women and not for others.
I don't know what the answer is or how we can make it less painful for women, without giving everyone an epidural, but I wish I did. It's my least favourite part of working on the labour ward because I know (from my own experience of the same) how incredibly painful it can be.
I'm sorry for what some of you have experienced.

I’m sorry OP. You sharing reminded me I had a similar experience with my second degree tear. I vividly remember telling family the experience after was worse than labour itself. I had more gas n air during that as well because it was awful.
I went on to have no tear at all the second time I had a baby so never had to go through that again.

I had this during a recent medical procedure under local. The first injection wasn’t enough. They said - can you feel this. I said yes. They said, ok but pain receptors shut off before touch receptors so it’ll be working. I said, are you sure? I can feel that, like normal. (He 🙄) said yes, it’s worked. He started & I nearly shot off the bed. Oh he said, maybe you do need some more…

When I see the statistics and discussions around declining birth rates, and % of child free women at 30 I often just eye roll and think about threads like this.

Assuming it's not an emergency situation, which this clearly wasn't, a doctor shouldn't just carry on when you tell them to stop.

I needed a similar repair after having my second baby and the doctor explained what she was doing at all times and when I said it hurt (because the epidural had worn off) she offered me some local anaesthetic before continuing.

I'm sorry it's such a traumatic memory for you.

"To the point I begged him to stop and he didn't straight away. In my mind I have a memory of saying "please please stop" with my legs in those stirrups, essentially trapped on the bed and panicking/begging."

Any other context, explanation and debate re pain relief, bedside manner etc. is all by the by, as far as I'm concerned. This is the scandal.

Nobody has a right to touch you intimately, even for medical treatment, without your consent and you can withdraw that consent at any time.

This was not a case of him not being able to stop a procedure - such as surgery or suturing - halfway though without endangering you; he was just examining you and so could have and should have stopped immediately.

If an intimate examination does not stop when consent stops, it is assault and in my opinion that is what you experienced. No wonder it was traumatic. Pain is one thing; having your autonomy over what another human being does to your body removed from you, especially when you are so vulnerable, is another.

This is exactly why they try to drum ethics and patient consent into medics. They have to find a better way to cut through the arrogance of medics who consciously or subconsciously think that because they know more medically they get to override their patient's "no".

I'm sorry and angry that this happened to you.

It be extremely traumatic and fast paced, the flash back memories are frightening.

My first birth was very tough forceps, tear, stitches.

The second birth was easy a spontaneous birth, all great, until the placenta didn't follow,.

The 2 midwives and a doctor tried to retrieve it by hand while I sucked on the gas before surgical removal. I can't remember pain, I remember making deep animal like groaning from me but DH was traumatised as the medical staff plunged inside me.

I don’t understand the criteria to get pain relief for being stitched up after giving birth. After my first I had an episiotomy so I didn’t feel anything when they repaired the tear because it was already numb down there.

I didn’t need an episiotomy with my second and so the nurse stitched me up without any anaesthetic. It really fucking hurt. Why didn’t I say anything? I just accepted it and endured it. Why does somebody stitch up private parts without thinking that pain relief is a good idea? Is that standard protocol?

Also - I don’t think that should have happened to you OP and I’m sorry that it did.

I think they have to check by seeing which parts hurt, almost like when you go to the dentist and they poke each tooth waiting to see if you yelp in pain. That way they can know if there’s problems or where specifically needs the anaesthetic injection.

DS2 was a home birth. Nasty tear and our GP came round to sew it up.
While he was doing it he told me a funny story about some medical event. When he had finished he said he always told that story to mums he was stitching because when they stopped laughing he knew they needed some more painkiller. I was fine.

I had similar. If I remember correctly, the midwives were concerned it was a third degree tear, so called the surgeon to come and check. It was second degree, but borderline so the surgeon stitched me. The checking part (by both the midwives and the surgeon) was very painful.

Similar for DD2, although with her I had a second degree tear that the midwives were happy with so I was only checked once before the midwife stitched me up.

I think I was offered gas and air both times for the checking part, but I really didn’t like how that made me feel, and didn’t think it helped much with pain either.

I had a similar experience- gave birth vaginally to an awkwardly presenting baby, coped really well on gas and air, torn a lot, coped well with the stitches (done by a midwife), and the most painful / awful bit was an internal examination by a male doctor.

(This was the only time in the 40h labour I’ve seen him. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure he fucked something up, ie that I would have had a better birth if I hadn’t.)

Sorry this happened to you.
my first was similar, poor epidural which no one believed me that I was numb from the knees down only. Midwife was delivering two babies at once and the other woman delivered marginally before me so I was left alone with my DH to push. A Dr popped in briefly and told me I wasn’t trying hard enough, and had 15 minutes or they would bring forceps. I was so scared I pushed that 9lb baby with 98% head out in one go, with the midwife just making it back in to catch him. Burst blood vessels in my face and eyes, large 2 degree tear just missing a 3rd.

She started stitching and I told them I could feel everything. Apparently I was ‘causing a scene’ which made the anesthetist reluctantly come back to actually give me some pain relief above the knees.

Post birth care was poor too, both on the ward and with GP and home midwife appointments. I was made to feel my pain was in my head. And that I should consent to being examined in my living room as she had another appointment to make.

I did get pregnant again 3 years later and hated midwife appointments, deliberately cancelled them last minute and I couldn’t go back and refused to have a hospital birth. One very kind gay male midwife I did see suggested I move from the hospital to community midwife appointments and the birth centre for delivery. Even so I refused to leave the house until in very established labour, and arrived 8cm dilated. I laboured and delivered in the pool, in semi darkness with a kind midwife who stayed with me the whole time,,and just gas and air. Examination after was brief, painful, but again with gas and air and she was explained everything and stopped whenever I asked.

I would never go to a large maternity hospital or recommend it to anyone after my first experience. But the second and third went some way towards forgetting the first.

Exactly the same for me 😅. Dh still recalls the squeal I made getting the anaesthetic. It was fine after that though.

I'm sorry OP, what you've described sounds horrific.

Gas and air is pain relief, i didn’t have anything else for the 3 stitches I had with dd1. For dd2 I didn’t use gas and air at all nor tear

I've not read through the comments, just the original. I had one stitch my a midwife after a non medicated birth. It was much more painful than birth itself. She had good bedside manner so it was not traumatic like yours. She decided not to do a second one. I don't think what you described is malpractice or anything, but sounds like you could do with a birth debrief or counselling.

What do you want, a medal?

I’m so sorry that you experienced this and it’s not surprising that you are still traumatised so long after the event.

When I had my ds, I had a very traumatic labour and tore quite badly due to an emergency ventouse as he was in distress. When the very stern doctor came to repair the tear, the skin kept ripping (apparently quite common in redheads - had no idea this could happen beforehand). He was getting visibly annoyed as I was becoming more distressed. Looking back now I think I think I was having a panic attack, as the whole thing was so scary and painful, I remember the midwife putting her hand firmly on my shoulder and telling me to pull myself together, that I didn’t want to have got through all that, only to have to have a general anaesthetic for the stitches, and if I made any more fuss that’s what would happen. I remember just quietly sobbing while it was done. I had had an epidural, but it didn’t take effect (also common that redheads require more pain relief).

I felt so scared and that upset that I wasn’t really able to advocate for myself, DH was also completely traumatised, we were quite young and both felt that we were out of our depth and that the doctors knew best.

When I had my second child, it was such a different experience and made me feel so sad that the first time had been so awful.