To think this shouldn't have happened to me after giving birth? (Possible trigger warning although I don't know how to categorise it)

[MarmaladeBagel]

I had a baby eight years ago when me and dp were in our early twenties. We were watching telly this evening and there was a scene where a woman gave birth and it prompted a conversation about my labour/birth experience, hence this thread as I'm now just looking for perspective...

I had a natural birth and a second degree tear, no pain relief but gas and air throughout labour, my choice and I coped well with just the gas for labour and birth.

After the birth a surgeon was called into the room to examine me, because I'd torn, and the midwife gave me the gas and air back before he started. The gas and air was not sufficient at all for whatever he was doing to me, it was excruciating. To the point I begged him to stop and he didn't straight away. In my mind I have a memory of saying "please please stop" with my legs in those stirrups, essentially trapped on the bed and panicking/begging. He then stopped and I was given anaesthetic for the actual stitches. And it was the same doctor who did then repair me which of course I am grateful for.

Dp told me earlier tonight that it's a really horrible memory for him too and the way I was begging went right through him as he was just holding and looking down at our little baby, so it's a very clear and vivid memory for him as well. It's really made me think and validated how traumatic it was. I've had 2 smear tests 3 years apart since I've given birth and thought about this moment during both of them, very annoyingly.

I would like to know if my experience of being examined after a tear and before anaesthetic is normal or unusual, I genuinely don't know. Never had another baby.

The difference between my traumatic emergency birth in an operating theatre and my non-traumatic emergency birth in an operating theatre was communication.

Having a patient MW telling you gently what is happening is the difference between understanding and obtrusive flashbacks to when everything spiralled out of control.

Although second time it was not exactly reassuring when my community MW gasped "who did this to you?!?" about my stiched up 3rd degree tear. I said I didn't know but it was in theatre, and she replied "that's worse, it was someone senior. I'm going to complain"
It was a month before I could comfortably sit on two buttocks sufficiently to attempt driving despite mainlining the maximum range of pain relief possible.

But at least being under spinal block incase of difficult EMCS in case of difficult forceps failing meant that there wasn't any traumatic pain involved.

It should not be so difficult for obs/ gynae and midwifery to do better.
And because the culture is so widespread and so many people have their own traumatic stories it's hard for women to know what is acceptable and where boundaries have been crossed even without the added complication of being particularly vulnerable during the birthing process.

I had the same happen to me with dc1....I had an epidural, it didn't work, and had gas and air. Another midwife came in to stitch me up for 30 mins, I was in agony. I could feel the thread/needle going into me and she kept saying gas and air, gas and air.

It was so bad I didn't have another child for 8 years due to birth trauma.

Ask your NHS trust for a post birth debrief and to go through your notes. I did this last year and fed back what happened to me and it has been fed back to the maternity services, very validating.