Is it cheap not to cater?

[Itrtttyy]

it’s a significant birthday and a function room is being hired out 4-6pm for around 40 guests then afterwards carrying on in nearby (nice) pubs. The function room place serves food as do a few nearby pubs.

Does the event need catered (a buffet)?

Yes - YABU
No - YANBU

It’s the function room, it implies party and food agreed.

Take the function room out and drinks at the bar is completely fine.

But you’d be on a table where two people were eating and two weren’t , there’s then the call that people are going to another pub whilst someone is still eating their curry (as an aside why are people ordering curry in a pub it will be awful). She will lose a group who say screw this and go for a proper curry.

The sensible thing to do if you've childcare issues is one of you go. The blood relative and the other stay home. Then you save money and only one of you will be hung over the next day.

Eh??

I think you should at least all surprise her with a lovely cake! It's not weird or passive aggressive as you stated earlier, it's just a nice thing to do. Then at least everyone can bond over the yummy cake!

If the 4-6 is for the older relatives etc who might not want to go on a pub crawl, it's so beyond rude not to have some food for them. A few sandwiches and crisps type thing would be better than nothing. I can't think of any other reason for the 4-6. She's also said no presents so that's a bit miserable too, no one watching her open some nice gifts. It sounds rubbish to be honest, don't think I'd go. As a friend I'd try and get her to rethink it a bit.

If she’s expecting them at this (non) party at 4pm, she’d be a rare sort of fool to not consider they might have babysitting requirements.
She sounds quite unusually self absorbed.

You don’t sound much better, either.

See, this is what is irritating as fuck. You are being obtuse.

Well so what? So what if they did want to do a wedding breakfast pub crawl starting at Wetherspoons? As long as they were hospitable and paid for the meal and a glass of Prosecco, what does it matter? Seems eminently more sensible than spending £20k plus on a single day so that people think you’re classy.

The issue is the buffet, ie. whether it’s rude not to serve one.

I am now being told there’s going to be cake. I still think it’s stingy.

I’m offended on her behalf when posters simply invent things to bash her with.

Do people never go for drinks after work and some order food while others don’t? Or meet up with friends and some haven't had time to have their tea so order something to eat?

Will tell my friend she needs to consider those who can’t make it through one night without curry from a sit down curry house and can only eat if everyone else is eating.

She’ll obviously get gifts from her closest friends and family on her actual birthday, but she doesn’t want them from anyone else. She was very specific about this at her wedding too.

I agree that it’s rude.

I wouldn't be imagining late at all. People will need to get food, you won't all be seated together in nice pubs. A pub crawl for 40 will be a shambles. I would go to the bit in the function room then leave.

How is she supposed to consider this?

‘Oh Amy has got a five year old. Better not do anything on a Saturday afternoon in case she can’t find a babysitter because of course their father can’t be expected to parent’.

‘Ah, Ellie has a 14 year old. He won’t go to bed until 9pm. I better start or end the celebrations after Ellie can give him his tea because God forbid his father has to cook.

‘Lucy has got a ten year old. I must find out what suits her and her child best before I organise anything. Will she get a babysitter and bring Geoff? Will Lucy drink coke so she can drive the babysitter home because Geoff can’t just stay in that night.’

Your childcare arrangements really aren’t anyone else’s responsibility. But there is a, in your words, very self-absorbed type of parent who believes that their children give them an elevated status which requires everyone to consider their needs more so than those of anyone else.

OP She's been your friend for 35 years. Sit her down and persuade her there needs to be some food, or snacks at the least. Surely you don't want everyone thinking she's mean? Maybe she just hasnt thought this whole thing through properly - well she definitely hasn't so be a good friend and help her.

It will be late, at least for a core group of 10-15.

I did before I posted. I asked if there was going to be a buffet and she said no, but you can order at the bar. She thinks it’s enough that people can order food at the bar.

She has messaged today and said that she’s bringing the birthday cake though.

Why? When you host you cater for people. No food, no drink, this is not a party!

I wouldn’t never expect a friend to pick up a bar bill for forty people drinking in a pub. It’s not the norm. The norm is people come and pay for their own drinks, and host puts on a buffet.

You must have very well off friends, or very sober friends, if they’re funding open bars.

This. If you're hiring a function room,people will expect food. Seems a bit pointless.

I don't think people are saying you should provide the drinks but food yes.

Most people I know would provide some wine or prosecco at a party. Definitely so if there is no food, because hosting is catering for people in some way. I think it is rude not to have anything at all to offer guests.

I have been to plenty of parties and paid for drinks, but I have never not been offered a single thing.

OP this sounds like a terrible ‘party’ at the very least there should be a welcome drink and a buffet. If I was hiring a room for the first two hours I’d probably have a bar tab for that time. I would absolutely lay on food, I’d be far to embarrassed to not feed people I was inviting!! If you can’t afford a party, just don’t have one!! Don’t have one and expect your guests to foot the bill for it, that’s so cheap and nasty!

Exactly. It wouldn't be overly expensive to provide a few bottles of supermarket Prosecco, beers, soft drinks etc just to get the party started so everyone gets a first drink at least then buys the rest themselves. But mainly it's the food that should be provided, doesn't really matter about the drink. The pub could lay on teas and coffee and I'm sure would put out some sandwiches, sausages rolls pretty cheaply. Honestly as a friend I'd be getting together with others to lay it in for her.