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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL was totally out of order

109 replies

Candlecharge01 · 23/03/2025 15:26

DH side of the family had a get together yesterday. DH had a work commitment so I took DSD 9 and DD 2.

We arrived at 2pm had some lunch and all the e cousins played together. By 6pm it was getting a bit rowdy as some of the adults had been drinking all afternoon. I made my excuses to leave and told the kids to gather up all their things and start saying goodbyes.

SIL asks if DSD can stay over as she has a DD similar age and wanted them to keep playing together. I said ah not this time as we are going swimming early in the morning and will be too much hassle coming to pick her up first. This was true but also DSD looked really tired and it was turning into a more adult party really and I thought it best she just come home with me. Plus DH was due home about 7ish and of course wanted to see the kids.

SIL says well it's not really up to you, I'll ring my brother and ask him. I said she's in my care at the moment and it is up to me. She tried ringing DH but no answer.

She then said I'll ring her Mum and if she says it's ok then you can just leave her here with her family.

At this point I was fuming but didn't want a scene so just politely said well it's her weekend with us and we're off. I packed the kids in the car and left.

Later DSD mum rings confused about where DSD was as SIL had rang her and asked could DSD stay! Now DSD Mum apparently told her it was up to us as she isn't due back to her until Monday.

AIBU to say this is totally overstepping?!

OP posts:
ProfessionalPirate · 23/03/2025 19:46

ShortyShorts · 23/03/2025 15:30

She should've asked one of the child's parents in the first place to be honest.

Totally pointless her starting a row with you about it.

No. The girl’s father has left his wife - the girl’s stepmother - in sole charge. This means she is acting in loco parentis and was completely entitled to make a decision like this without reference to anyone else.

ShortyShorts · 23/03/2025 19:49

ProfessionalPirate · 23/03/2025 19:46

No. The girl’s father has left his wife - the girl’s stepmother - in sole charge. This means she is acting in loco parentis and was completely entitled to make a decision like this without reference to anyone else.

Show quote history

Too much 🤣🤣🤣

I'm going to have to hide the thread or ask MNHQ to delete my first post.

Calliopespa · 23/03/2025 19:52

dontyousay · 23/03/2025 15:40

Why? Her step mum was there.
if the step mum is trusted to look after DSD on her own and take her places she can be trusted to make simple decisions during that time

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Agree. Seems like the mum trusts OP so why doesn’t SIL? Really over-bearing, high-handed and actually quite condescending.

WeeOrcadian · 23/03/2025 20:00

HRTFT

You were the adult in charge

Your decision

End of

thismummydrinksgin · 23/03/2025 20:04

Good on her Mom for relaying the same message as you!

Calliopespa · 23/03/2025 20:06

thismummydrinksgin · 23/03/2025 20:04

Good on her Mom for relaying the same message as you!

Yes I’m impressed that you and the mum really seem to have this blended family thing sussed. So many blended family threads on here are whinging, bickering and depressing. It’s heartening to hear of the times when the adults actually cooperate for the benefit of the children.

Waterweight · 23/03/2025 20:06

Yh it sounds like a shitty (drunken?) thing to do but ay, you stood your ground. Your husband didn't answer & the mums miffed but fine about the whole thing so really does it matter ?

I wouldn't burn bridges/involve other people/reignite the fued just to 1 up her

Move on

ProfessionalPirate · 23/03/2025 20:12

ShortyShorts · 23/03/2025 19:49

Too much 🤣🤣🤣

I'm going to have to hide the thread or ask MNHQ to delete my first post.

Show quote history

Sorry for adding to the pile-on, but your first post was bizarrely worded if you weren’t trying to say that the SIL should have bypassed the OP and asked the parents straight off. And I obviously missed your amendment when I skimmed through the thread.

JudgeJ · 23/03/2025 20:23

Maray1967 · 23/03/2025 15:28

Yes, DH needs to have words with his sister.

I know the MN mantra is that the husband should sort out problems between his wife and his family but are women really so wet that they need him to be involved? Surely if there's a problem then the people involved should sort it out and not wait for the man on the white charger to rescue them!

Livelovebehappy · 23/03/2025 20:27

Agree with other posters saying nothing to do with sil, but reading between the lines, it sounds like you and she probably have had other issues in the past and just don’t get on anyway. Maybe rather than have your dh get involved with giving her a talking to, you and your sil should try sort out your differences and get on for the sake of everyone.

Ilovecleaning · 23/03/2025 20:35

Sounds like SIL was a bit pissed

CarrieOnComplaining · 23/03/2025 20:39

JudgeJ · 23/03/2025 20:23

I know the MN mantra is that the husband should sort out problems between his wife and his family but are women really so wet that they need him to be involved? Surely if there's a problem then the people involved should sort it out and not wait for the man on the white charger to rescue them!

Show quote history

It's not a man thing it's a 'whose family' thing.

The OP was not wet but if she stands up to this on her own and her DH does not back her up and be clear that a) his wife IS family and b) when he leaves his child with his wife his wife does make the decisions, then the family will close ranks, the OP will be seen as the baddie and 'not family'.

If the sexes were reversed and the OP was the step Dad I would be saying 'The DW needs to have a word with her sister!'.

And because this is a largely women's site, it's always the DH's family that needs dealing with.

whynotwhatknot · 23/03/2025 20:47

what a bitch undermining you like that-is she like this all the time

grumpygrape · 23/03/2025 20:55

OP, I am impressed you and your DH have a good enough relationship with his ex for her to support you. Good on you all.

sweetgingercat · 23/03/2025 20:56

Your sil was disrespectful to you. It’s mind boggling that she did this in front of your dsd as it belittles your authority with her. Also she could have made things very difficult between your dh and his ex.

Id be avoiding any future meet ups without your dh until your dh has talked to her and she’s apologised.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/03/2025 20:59

CarrieOnComplaining · 23/03/2025 20:39

It's not a man thing it's a 'whose family' thing.

The OP was not wet but if she stands up to this on her own and her DH does not back her up and be clear that a) his wife IS family and b) when he leaves his child with his wife his wife does make the decisions, then the family will close ranks, the OP will be seen as the baddie and 'not family'.

If the sexes were reversed and the OP was the step Dad I would be saying 'The DW needs to have a word with her sister!'.

And because this is a largely women's site, it's always the DH's family that needs dealing with.

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I agree. If my sister pulled a stunt like this I would be having a word with her.

CalleOcho · 23/03/2025 21:41

She then said I'll ring her Mum and if she says it's ok then you can just leave her here with her family.

She sounds like a right bitch. She’s basically saying “you’re not part of our family”. Which is really nasty. As you became part of their family as soon as you got together with her brother.

Doingmybestbut · 23/03/2025 22:19

She was being an absolute bitch. Is she usually like that when she doesn’t get what she wants?

Doingmybestbut · 23/03/2025 22:22

Thinking about it, it’s particularly shitty that she still has your husband’s ex wife’s number on her phone and called her in front of you like that. Failed attempt at a power play.

Crazyworldmum · 23/03/2025 22:35

Jokes aside , if my step sons are with me they are my responsibility, there is no questioning this , the same way I wouldn’t question my partner decision if my children are with him . Thankfully their mum has the same mindset just like your dsd’s mum .
I never been in this position but I would feel furious anyone on my hubbys family behaved that way .

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/03/2025 00:32

I suspect that DSD's mum has had her own runs in with the SIL, so knows exactly what she is like and thats why she backed up the OP!

SpringIsSpringing25 · 24/03/2025 00:38

ShortyShorts · 23/03/2025 15:30

She should've asked one of the child's parents in the first place to be honest.

Totally pointless her starting a row with you about it.

Why?

The OP is her brother's wife and the child is in her care, it's not like the OP is some flyby night girlfriend of the brother ( and to be honest evening she was the brother has left the child in the OP's care, it's not for anyone else to go around that)

The OP is as much 'family' to DSD as the dad sister, if not more.

The OP's DH need to put his sister clearly and firmly right!!

SpringIsSpringing25 · 24/03/2025 00:47

ShortyShorts · 23/03/2025 16:03

Guess no-one's going to read my second post 😁

I have since replied to your first post as well.

It is way too complicated to read the entire thread before responding to a post of someone other than the OP.. MN really needs to do something about that, but I'm not entirely sure what.

A lot of people won't clock usernames either so won't have noticed that you made further comment attempt to clear up any misunderstanding about your first comment

snotathing · 24/03/2025 00:51

Funny how the SIL thought OP had the 'authority' to agree to the sleepover but not to say no to it. Like a child asking the other parent for something when the first one refuses.

Maray1967 · 24/03/2025 06:40

JudgeJ · 23/03/2025 20:23

I know the MN mantra is that the husband should sort out problems between his wife and his family but are women really so wet that they need him to be involved? Surely if there's a problem then the people involved should sort it out and not wait for the man on the white charger to rescue them!

Show quote history

I understood in this case that OP did speak up - SIL ignored her. So now it needs to be DH who makes it clear that OP decides where DSD should be when he’s not there.