To think we shouldn't use the word "naughty" with a 2 year old?

[gollyimholly]

DD has just turned 2. DH describes her as naughty and has done for almost a year. He will tell her to stop being naughty or say something like "why are you so naughty?", "DDname is a naughty a girl".

Before having DD I read that you shouldn't call children naughty because using such a label can make you subconsciously interpret their behaviour and perceive what they're doing as naughty even if it is something that is just a developmental behaviour. And also the child might then act up to their label. I can relate to this because when I was younger I would get called dopey or a clown a lot by family and then I would feel like I needed to be a bit silly or dumb.

That said when I first learnt you shouldn't call a child "naughty" I also did think something along the lines of "ugh, what can we say, it feels like everything isn't allowed, or everything is too harsh". However, now I have DD I think I am more empathetic and understand better what the intention behind avoiding using labels such as naughty is.

AIBU to think DH is wrong to use the word naughty? I am very happy to be corrected as it would solve the problem for me.

He should say the behaviour is naughty not her. There should also be lots of praise when she is getting it right.

What should you use instead?

I don't know.

If DD does something she isn't supposed to do, I remove her from that activity eg. ripping pages of a book, I will take the book off her and tell her it is wrong. This isn't something I came up with though - I googled what would be the best way to respond when a toddler does something like that and that is supposed to be an effective way in which they understand that something is wrong.

As pp says you say the behaviour is naughty not the person.

Fred that was very naughty behaviour. We don’t rip books, we look after them. Mummy is very disappointed that you did that and I don’t want you ever to do it again.

Rather than

Fred you are very naughty

I agree with PP; you say the behavior is naughty, not the child.

Exactly what others have said the behaviour is naughty not her. So for e.g. she throws a toy you wouldn't say you're naughty, you would say throwing toys is naughty. It's not just the word naughty it's most negative words like if she bites someone don't tell her she's unkind say biting is unkind

Thank you everyone, that's very helpful x

I have been a primary school teacher for 27 years. I have always been told you can never call a child naughty. It's been a fundamental principle that it is not the child that is bad it is to behavior that is bad. It has been a total disaster and standards of behavior have plummeted in the last 27 years.

What has been a total disaster? To not be able to call a child naughty?

Their children they're learning boundaries and what's right and wrong their not bad or naughty and if you think this you really shouldn't be working with them.

Do you also have difficulty saying no and don’t hit and use ‘kind hands’

I say no.
I say don't hit.
And I do say to use kind hands.

It isn't that I have difficulty saying the word naughty - I'd used it aplenty until I read I shouldn't.

Before having DD, I wasn't the most maternal of people and felt nervous I may not "get it right" so I tend to read a lot (by paediatricians/medical experts) on how I should be doing things.

Go speak to a teacher of secondary school students and ask them how the children who are never called naughty are doing at 15. Maybe watch adolescence

Sounds ominous

You must use the word but use it in the right way

What on earth has watching Adolescence got to do this this?

It’s not the word - bad, wrong, naughty etc.., - they’re all interchangeable. It’s the context they’re used in and redirecting the activity so they understand. If DD is ripping pages out of books then sit down and read with them, explaining that if there we pages ripped out you couldn’t do that.
The fact is some behaviour is bad or naughty, so it’s unavoidable. But as others have said, don’t say DD is naughty.

Some children are naughty. Making excuses makes the behaviour worse.

I have a 2 year old and I had thought at this age they don't have the brain development to think "I will be naughty today", or understand what you mean if you say "that's naughty". They do things as it just occurs to them that they can, ie throwing a toy, and to see our reaction. We react appropriately "no thank you it's not nice to do that, let's put that away and read this story instead".
I would be annoyed if my DH kept saying "you're naughty DC" without doing anything else to help with modelling positive behaviour. That's a bit lazy.

I like the term "choices" , followed with why at this age. So if she is doing something "naughty" for example ripping a book...I would say " Stop (probably hold the book still whilst I talk as i would hate my books to get ripped!) books are for reading. It's a bad choice to rip books , If you rip the book we can't read it, " If negative behaviour doesnt change, i would take the book away explaining why...if behaviour changes. "What a good choice to look at the book carefully, we can read it together". It doesn't give too much attention and encourages thinking of their actions. Its exhausting and i used to cringe and how cheesy it sounds when we started this in nursery years ago... but now it makes perfect sense, we all have 2 choices in life and young children are learning. Your right naughty is very dated, I remember the newspaper article about it up on the wall about it at my workplace in 2000 ....does nothing for their self esteem, and labels them.

"Stop!" Remove the book. "We don't rip books, we look at them"

I have been hearing this for years and I would really like to know what the evidence is that it makes a jot of difference. No child I know distinguishes in their heads between the two things, and I don’t think most adults do either.

First post nailed it.

I tell my daughter every day that she IS kind. But if she does something that is unkind I label the behaviour for what it is "that was an unkind thing to do." Children need to know the difference between right and wrong. So tell them.

Agree its the behavior not her. So you need you change how you frame it. You'll find you stop using the word naughty as it doesn't apply.

Always explain the behavior is naughty. Otherwise it's meaningless.

I would say this. It's a boundary.
Choices are good when I am happy with either alternative.