To think we shouldn't use the word "naughty" with a 2 year old?

[gollyimholly]

DD has just turned 2. DH describes her as naughty and has done for almost a year. He will tell her to stop being naughty or say something like "why are you so naughty?", "DDname is a naughty a girl".

Before having DD I read that you shouldn't call children naughty because using such a label can make you subconsciously interpret their behaviour and perceive what they're doing as naughty even if it is something that is just a developmental behaviour. And also the child might then act up to their label. I can relate to this because when I was younger I would get called dopey or a clown a lot by family and then I would feel like I needed to be a bit silly or dumb.

That said when I first learnt you shouldn't call a child "naughty" I also did think something along the lines of "ugh, what can we say, it feels like everything isn't allowed, or everything is too harsh". However, now I have DD I think I am more empathetic and understand better what the intention behind avoiding using labels such as naughty is.

AIBU to think DH is wrong to use the word naughty? I am very happy to be corrected as it would solve the problem for me.

Lol at the idea that if only more kids were told they were naughty then we wouldn't be seeing the knife crime that we do today.

The OP's DH constantly telling their child that they are naughty is not good parenting, and anyone who thinks it is is just plain wrong. What does it even mean? How is the child supposed to even know what exactly it is they're doing that they shouldn't be - and why - if all they know is that they're naughty. They'll soon stop caring about being called naughty and just assume it's who they are.

What we need to be doing is spending a lot of time teaching kids what they should be doing. The more time you spend with your child, they more they will want to spend time with you and the more they will listen to you and want to please you. Obviously all kids have their moments but they need loads of time and attention - and teaching. If kids have to play up to get your attention, if ripping books is what gets your attention, if throwing things is what gets your attention then they will do it - and they learn fast.

Children aren't naughty, they just haven't been taught all the rules yet. Unfortunately a lot of parents are more interested in sitting on the sofa scrolling on their phones than getting down on the floor and playing with their kids. Kids learn so much through play, but it takes a bit of effort.

ThejoyofNC · Today 11:56

If a child is being naughty then they are being naughty. All this kind hands bullshit is exactly why this generation is turning out to be completely out of control and unteachable at school

You know nothing of the development of young brains.

Maybe if you’d paid a bit more attention to teachers you would have a basic grasp of grammar.

No. Go and speak to a teacher of secondary school students and they might think that they know which ones were never called naughty, but they would be making a lot of assumptions and they would almost certainly be wrong.

Yee, if a child is being naughty (i.e. doing something naughty), then they are being naughty (at that moment). That's not the same as telling them they are a naughty child full stop. Do you want a 2 year-old to think 'I'm a bad person' or to learn that they did something bad and not do it again, because they're not a bad person?

It's not about pretending kids can't be naughty. I'm a secondary school teacher and have taught some absolute monsters, frankly (I don't mean monsters lightheartedly in a 'you little monster' sense). Dh taught two who later committed murder as quite young adults. I wonder at what age they maybe resigned themselves to being bad people. I'm all for stricter punishment of genuinely bad behaviour. I'm not keen on giving kids the impression that they are stuck on the path of being naughty. I want them to feel like they are a person who can make the right choices, and who others expect to make the right choices.

What a good idea. Like an emergency stop in a driving test. It might save a life one day.

How is "that is wrong" any different from "that is naughty?"

@Jade520

I haven't said telling a child they are naughty is why there is more knife crime. I am saying that something clearly isn't working. Whether that is the way children are spoken to , interacted with or disciplined or mix of all of them I don't know. And it is something that needs to be looked at and addressed.

There is a world of difference to me between “that was being naughty” targeted against a behaviour and “dd is naughty “ targeted on the child - one would be ok the other not

I think it's not so much the word Naughty that's the problem as telling a child repeatedly that they 'are' naughty. Or anything else actually. 'Oh, Sam's the naughty one. Laura's the kind one. Jane's the clever one. Jeff's the lazy one.' They can start identifying as that and acting up to their designation.

'That's wrong/naughty' is fine. It's 'You're naughty' or 'You're a naughty boy/girl' that's not advisable.

How is you are being naughty now when you have given me a mischievous grin and deliberately touched the tv screen when you know not to wrong?

I do wonder about is there any real evidence. If I'm constantly told that what I'm doing is naughty then I will start to identify with that. You are what you do to a certain degree! I've no issue with saying to a child that something is naughty; they need to understand expectations and that some things are not allowed. But I'd be worried about constantly saying it and looking to see if I can offer more positive reinforcement over time.

I feel like using words like ‘mummy is disappointed’ or ‘that is unkind’ for bad behaviour eg biting, ripping books etc is too gentle. I’ve seen my peers do it and it was a disaster.

I have grown up friends who have more emotional trauma from being told their parents "disappointed" than being punished/smacked etc. It's followed them through life.

At the end of the day, some kids are naughty. It's part of their communication and learning boundaries. Whether we dress that up as it being them or their "behaviour", it still amounts to the same. Stop pussyfooting around it, it's fine to address it and help set those boundaries.

I was replying to the OP, not you, and the OP is concerned about the use of the word naughty full stop.

I have three boys ranging in age fro 16 to 23. I never told them they were naughty, we had a no smacking policy. I was known as a firm, strict parent, held a united front with school etc. My boys don't help out around the house as much as I'd like but that. is, genuinely, the worst thing I could say about them. They are kind, respectful, hard working lads who don't drink or smoke.

Children don't need to be labelled "naughty" it impacts their self esteem, we all make mistakes and just because we do something wrong it doesn't define our whole being.

They are kind, respectful, hard working lads who don't drink or smoke.

I find it so bizarre on threads like this where people like to point out their angel kids don't drink or smoke. It's totally irrelevant - it doesn't make them better people or you a better parent 🙄

Telling children "no" and "don't do something" is passive they need to be told what positive action to do. I've said (firmly and clearly) to my children "walking" when they were running around a pool and every single person that was running at that time has started walking :)

Redirect unwanted behaviour into the behaviour you want to see.

Actually, I'm not sure the words are interchangeable. Personally I always hated the term "naughty"; there is something about it that implies the child is somehow being deliberately difficult or willful, and doesn't actually help explain to the child why their behaviour is wrong. It isn't a word we use to describe adult behaviour, so why do we use it for children?

I never, ever used the word myself for any of my DC - I told them that their behaviour was dangerous/unkind/inconsiderate etc as appropriate, and dealt with it as the situation required. I had rock solid boundaries and my DC are now teens/young adults and extremely well mannered. I absolutely disagree that not telling children they are naughty is what has led to declining standards of behaviour.

If a child regularly does kind things that child is kind.
If a child regularly those sporty things that child is sporty.
If a child regularly does funny things that child is funny.
And if a child regularly does naughty things that child is... well you can work it out for yourself I'm sure.

Denying this is doing those kids no favours whatsoever.

I am also pretty certain that if anyone's child was on the receiving end of bullying, they would not be saying it's not the child that's bad it's their behavior that's bad, they would just say that that child is a bully.

I don’t use ‘naughty’ as I’d never call an adult naughty. So we either call it what it is, the same as you would an adult ‘that was a bit rude’ ‘that was a bit cheeky’, or we describe why we don’t do something.
‘we don’t rip books because we can’t read them if we do’
If DD then rips the book, we will keep it in circulation to prove the point that she now can’t read that book/doesn’t enjoy it as much. Seems to work for our two year old.

I haven't read all the replied, but wanted to point you in the direction of The Centre For Emotional Health
https://www.centreforemotionalhealth.org.uk/more-information/for-families/

At 2 years old developmentally she is recognising she is independent from you as parents and will push boundaries. A problem with calling out the behaviour is that it gets attention- and any attention is attention - flip it and be specific with praise for the behaviour you want.

You and your husband need to agree together what is non- negotiable behaviour where consequences will be put in place. In other situations you might find that distraction and giving simple choices will stop the 'naughty' behaviour

Not making good choices.

2 year olds are not naughty. Not ever. They are immature and making decisions in line eoth their development and the examples they are set.

I am also pretty certain that if anyone's child was on the receiving end of bullying, they would not be saying it's not the child that's bad it's their behavior that's bad, they would just say that that child is a bully.

Yep, that's why we don't let victims decide the sentence of criminals. As a school, or indeed a society, it is generally in our interest to rehabilitate people who do things wrong, rather than consign them to the naughty scrapheap.

If a child regularly does kind things that child is kind.
If a child regularly those sporty things that child is sporty.
If a child regularly does funny things that child is funny.
And if a child regularly does naughty things that child is... well you can work it out for yourself I'm sure.

And you don't think children change (from one week to the next sometimes, when they are little)? And you think it's a good idea to treat them as though they can't and won't change? The kid who's sporty doesn't necessarily stay sporty. The child who isn't sporty might get into sport, though probably less likely if they've been told 'You're not...'... well, you can work it out for yourself I'm sure.

What would you think if a teacher persistently said to your child 'You're not sporty' and made it clear they expected nothing much of them in PE lessons?

Not making good choices.

Don't you think 'not making good choices' is a bit of an advanced, non-specific concept and choice of vocab for a two year-old though? I'd be going with 'You hurt that little girl. It's bad to hurt people. ' or similar, depending on what they'd done.