To think we shouldn't use the word "naughty" with a 2 year old?

[gollyimholly]

DD has just turned 2. DH describes her as naughty and has done for almost a year. He will tell her to stop being naughty or say something like "why are you so naughty?", "DDname is a naughty a girl".

Before having DD I read that you shouldn't call children naughty because using such a label can make you subconsciously interpret their behaviour and perceive what they're doing as naughty even if it is something that is just a developmental behaviour. And also the child might then act up to their label. I can relate to this because when I was younger I would get called dopey or a clown a lot by family and then I would feel like I needed to be a bit silly or dumb.

That said when I first learnt you shouldn't call a child "naughty" I also did think something along the lines of "ugh, what can we say, it feels like everything isn't allowed, or everything is too harsh". However, now I have DD I think I am more empathetic and understand better what the intention behind avoiding using labels such as naughty is.

AIBU to think DH is wrong to use the word naughty? I am very happy to be corrected as it would solve the problem for me.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft
That all sounds great but I've seen it fail in many schools (it often gets called restorative justice).

The children who behave badly don't get rehabilitated, they just carry on. The children on the receiving end of the bullying don't get justice and have to carry on being bullied.

The bad behaviour of the difficult children becomes more embedded in their nature as they never face unpleasant consequences for their actions.

Look at the posts today on MN talking about sexual assault in primary schools and the issues highlighted in the Adolescents TV programme.

Things ARE getting worse and, it's my belief, this is in part due to the lack of adequate, proportional consequences for naughty children.

Oh no hit me where it hurts my grammar 🤣🤣

You were criticising a teacher and implying she didn’t know much.
Maybe if you’d listened to teachers who know more than you do you wouldn’t still be writing like a 6 year old.

lol.
The making choices thing is also bs for a toddler.
They understand very short,simple sentences.
Waffling on about choices goes in one ear and out the other.
If they did understand then a 2 year old's idea of a choice isn't usually a good one!

I tried to avoid naughty because it's a bit empty and meaningless, it's like a "because I said so".

"We don't say that, it isn't kind".
"We don't rip books / break toys, that isn't fair on people who want to use them".
"We don't pick our nose at the dinner table, that would make people feel sick while they're eating their dinner!".

If they question "why?", that isn't a bad thing - you've caught their attention and diverted them away from the thing they're doing.

Redirect and a clear reason NOT to do something worked really well for mine.

But I'm not talking about wishy-washy discipline or restorative justice. I think that's all bollocks tbh. I think bad behaviour should be dealt with quickly and very firmly. In secondary school - detentions, isolations, permanent exclusions, the lot. But none of that means that kids should be told they are a naughty child. It risks becoming a self-fulfilling thing. If you do a bad thing, you take the consequences. But when you have done so, you get a chance to turn over a new leaf and re-invent yourself (after your detention, report card, managed move etc). Otherwise what's the point?

I was disagreeing with a person who happens to be a teacher on a public forum, is that not allowed?

Some good points.

You say children should get a chance to turn over a new leaf and re-invent yourself.

Yes. I agree. They need to know the starting point for that otherwise they won't change.

The parents need to know too.

Yes, absolutely.

Exactly. Telling a two year old they are being naughty or calling them naughty when they are being naughty is not going to wound them for life and they certainly won't appreciate the nuance between them being naughty vs a behaviour being naughty. So much overthinking by parents these days. I have a toddler but I'm firmly of the belief that discipline and boundaries are important and I'm not going to spend time obsessing over how best to word it or use this 'kind hands' bs instead of a simple 'no' to protect my toddler's self esteem. People these days criticise boomer parenting but the generation that was raised by boomers is a lot more resilient than the current generation of kids and young adults in my experience.

Yes. It's a lot easier to understand ' let's put our shoes away neatly so we know where to find them and not trip over them'

Than ' omg stop leaving shoes about its naughty'

Soon your child will always put shoes away because that is what you do.

😄😄😄😄😄

Thank you for your great replies everyone. I can see both sides of it and the reasons for and against.

A PP pointed out who the more resilient generations are and how they were parented. And there is lots about how secondary schools are chaotic at the moment. I definitely do not want DD to be that type of child people are describing in secondary school. My parents ruled with an iron fist, we were punished for bad behaviour, sometimes smacked. My siblings and I love our parents dearly, we are all close as a family and I would say we grew up into responsible adults with good values. I would attribute it entirely to our upbringing and to ths day our parents try to nudge our behaviour in the right direction.

That said, I would never smack DD and I do not want to rule with fear. I want DD to be able to be honest with me when she thinks she might be in trouble. I want to ensure she grows up confident in her decisions and resilient in times of difficulty. I have specifically singled out these things because those are areas I lacked when younger - if I thought I was doing something wrong, I would hide it or lie to my parents. I wasn't assertive or confident in my decision making and sought my parents' approval often. I don't think that is to do with the way I was disciplined when I did something bad though (my parents were too overprotective and I think it encouraged feelings of anxiety and unnecessary self doubt in me).

Anyway, lots of food for thought here and I have learned a lot. I appreciated hearing experiences of those parents with adult children - I am always so interested in hearing about those who managed to raise children well and how they did it. For me, it isn't always intuitive how I need to be as a parent. I know the result I would like to achieve but I am not sure of the best way to go about it and I'm grateful to have MN as a sounding board for the madness that is parenthood.

our shoes away neatly so we know where to find them and not trip over them'
Than ' omg stop leaving shoes about its naughty'
Soon your child will always put shoes away because that is what you do
But things like not putting g shoes away isn't really naughty though and a gentler style of parenting would be appropriate there.
However for more serious issues i believe the behaviour should be called for what it is and if its naughty use that word. Likewise when a child has done well it needs positive praise without going over the top as I see some parents do for the mist mundane of things.