To think we shouldn't use the word "naughty" with a 2 year old?

[gollyimholly]

DD has just turned 2. DH describes her as naughty and has done for almost a year. He will tell her to stop being naughty or say something like "why are you so naughty?", "DDname is a naughty a girl".

Before having DD I read that you shouldn't call children naughty because using such a label can make you subconsciously interpret their behaviour and perceive what they're doing as naughty even if it is something that is just a developmental behaviour. And also the child might then act up to their label. I can relate to this because when I was younger I would get called dopey or a clown a lot by family and then I would feel like I needed to be a bit silly or dumb.

That said when I first learnt you shouldn't call a child "naughty" I also did think something along the lines of "ugh, what can we say, it feels like everything isn't allowed, or everything is too harsh". However, now I have DD I think I am more empathetic and understand better what the intention behind avoiding using labels such as naughty is.

AIBU to think DH is wrong to use the word naughty? I am very happy to be corrected as it would solve the problem for me.

Do you really think a 2 year will understand the difference?

I have said in the past something like ‘that’s a mean thing to do, and you’re not a mean person’, so calling what they’ve done ‘naughty’ but saying I don’t think that’s who they are. So kind of the opposite to what you’re describing but not avoiding using the words.

You can generally use misbehave. But also separate the behaviour from her identity. She is misbehaving, not listening, etc etc but she isn’t a naughty person.
stop associating it as a character trait.

I called my daughter naughty when she was (not listening, ignoring , doing things she should not have knowingly) she is now at uni and doing well. It’s not going to hurt , your child will see and hear far worst as they get older. Accountability is important as children grow up.

I don't think 'naughty' is specific enough for young children.
It can have too many meanings. Much better to describe the unwanted behaviour so they are clear about what is acceptable or not.
It's like 'be good' - what exactly does that mean????

I never call my kids naughty. It's not in my parenting vocabulary. They are very well behaved and we have no issues with boundaries. Relatives who I know would have no issues using the word 'naughty' comment all the time on how 'good' they are. That's not a word I use either as I just don't think that you can or should label a child in that way. If there re issues with their behaviour they are usually struggling with their environment or their level of development in terms of unrealistic expectations or tiredness. Sometimes they have a hard time regulating their emotions, as all kids do. Naughty is a negative label and negative labels become self fulfilling prophecies even if it's only applied to behaviour. Much better to empathise with the child calmly while setting clear boundaries about what behaviour is and isn't acceptable.

It’s perfectly possible to parent with firm boundaries without using the word naughty. I’d say it’s more the children who never hear the word ‘no’ and whose parents defend their unacceptable behaviour at all costs that are causing the issues in schools.

Could you explain the ‘No thank you’ bit of that? Surely that expression is used to refuse a gift or an offer of help? Which is not appropriate to a toddler ripping up books. Why not just say ‘No’?

…and then you find an old magazine or newspaper to rip up, because ripping paper up is what Fred wants to do now and he is gaining experience of how paper behaves and the nice noise it makes when ripped.

I've always wondered if a child who has been caught out notices the difference between labelling the behaviour or them and feels any difference.
I'm sure I wouldn't have.

I suspect it was initially aimed at bad parenting where a parent is constantly negative towards their dc and aimed as much at changing their mindset towards the DC.

In my experience ' we don't rip books, we look after them' is enough. No need for the emotional blackmail either side. If Fred is two do they even understand that you can't rip books already? Is it really ok for mummy to be that disappointed? It's just a book. We went through a phase of it with both kids when little and exploring I did my best to protect the books and we moved on out of it. It's normal behaviour for a small child exploring their environment. No need for me to make such a big deal of it by saying mummy is disappointed or this was naughty or never do it again.

I don't think I'm the perfect parent who everyone else should be copying, just giving an example of what we sometimes say to our toddler rather than "that's naughty".

As pp has said you're supposed to label the behaviour not the child.

But, IMO, unless a child is being constantly berated and called names I don't think it makes a blind bit of difference to a child if they're called naughty when they are being naughty.

The key is that it's not all the time, and it's balanced with love and praise. Being told off when you're doing something you shouldn't is a normal, natural consequence.

I don't think anyone is in therapy because they were told they were naughty when they ripped a colouring book at 3, or pulled another child's hair or whatever.

On the other hand, a child who, in their day to day, is told they are naughty over and over (even for minor things, or even for just existing) and other negative put-downs is going to likely be impacted by these words because they are disproportional and constant.

If you DH falls into the latter, then I would be concerned.

If he just tells DD off when she's doing something wrong but is kind and loving the rest of the time then I think policing words like naughty is OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like we (society, parents) forget that kids do not intrinsically understand what societies expectations are and why we do and do not do things.

ie - why is it not good/acceptable to rip pages out of a book?

I always focus on explaining why things are wrong to my kids, as otherwise why would they be expected to listen to what I say is right?

Very occasionally I have to resort to: “ [that naughty behaviour] makes mummy/daddy unhappy.” But if I can’t explain why then am I really just enforcing my preference on my kids, rather than good behaviour…?

lol.
I bloody hate "kind hands"

very young children don't understand any sort of long explanations
" Jeff, remember to use kind hands; you made Emily cry and now she's sad. it's not nice to feel sad is it. Shall we give Emily a hug with our kind hands"

That is a pile of nonsene making no sense to a toddler.
What does work is
" jeff, stop"
and there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a kid they've been naughty.

will they heck.

I understand your point of view. I consciously avoid using the word naughty because I don’t think it applies at that age. I’d describe their behaviour as curiosity, exploration, or developmentally normal, etc. However, I don’t mind if someone else calls it naughty because not everyone will see and approach it the same way I do.

It's pretty simple logic really. Even if they don't get it at first, if you are consistent, they will cotton on. It's pretty amazing how much babies and toddlers understand.

Maybe what they learn is that a big long speech and mummy making performative sad faces means ‘stop that’.

My dc are adults but even 30 years ago it was common to say ‘that’s naughty,’ rather than you’re naughty.

The phrase I think most unfair for toddlers is
’use your words.’
My 21 month old gn didn’t have the words to explain she was in pain from a flare up of eczema, they knew what was wrong, but her dm and dgm kept on at the poor dc.
We were at a wedding so I couldn’t even escape. Who comes up with this bs?

probably the "kind hands" person

ooh, just remembered a huge pile of bollocks which seems to have crept in:
" shake it out"

Kid does something naughty and instead of getting a short sharp "no!" or similar, parent and kid stand there "shaking it out" which is shaking their arms to get the silliness out.
Absolute bollocks is that effective in any way except telling your child you're a wet lettuce

So when a 10 year old tells me to fuck off and walks out of class, kicking a chair at another child on the way, it’s nothing to do with me asking them to not shout out whilst I’m teaching, it’s because they’re still ‘learning boundaries’?

Our nursery used to say that children were making red or Green choices. We still use that with them now, and it seems to work well

Sure. No criticism intended. It’s just that I’ve heard people use this ‘no thank you’ form of words before, and wondered why the ‘thank you’. Seems a bit confusing for the child who may hear it used in the normal way and think they are being asked to stop doing something.