Please, please, please put away your phones...

[User63859]

Just witnessed a mother (and father) totally ignore their 18 month old (ish) child on the tube. Both of them totally engrossed in their phones. The baby was sat up in a buggy, awake (at 11pm but that's another issue) and had moments of trying to get their mother's attention. At one point the child leaned out of the buggy and buried its head in its mother's lap.

Not even a flinch from the mother. So concerned with scrolling (looking at a fashion website fwiw), she literally didn't even make eye contact.

It was heartbreaking. What are we doing to our children? Before all the late night trolls start piling in I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, we all have our weaknesses, but witnessing this has literally made me so so sad. I think what made me even sadder is the fact the baby just seemed to accept it. They tried to get the smallest acknowledgment from their mother, failed so just sat there staring into space. Oh, and watching their mother prioritise a bit of metal over them.

Please, for the love of whatever, put away your phones. We all like a scroll and a moan on mumsnet but do it when your kids are in bed. I'm so tired of seeing all this shit parenting and worrying about what a messed up world my son is going to grow up in.

To those that are guilty of this, one day you will long for these days back again and by then it will be too late and you'll be wondering why your kids need so much therapy.

Be better, please.

This is the fundamental problem though isn't it? Calling it "this shaming, that shaming... " its leading to a lot of people thinking they can do whatever they want with no consequences.

No one gets pulled up on anything. It is becoming increasingly apparent that the lack of emotional investment by parents in their really young children is causing MASSIVE problems when those children reach the adolescent years.

Imagine... a different scenario but with the same attitude that this would be called "this that shaming"

"I saw someone downing pints and shots at the pub then get into their car... "

"But you don't know what sort of day they had, they may have lost their job, they might have found out their loved one is leaving..."

Before anyone says you cant compare the two, I'm not, I'm trying to illustrate that "xshaming" (or judgement by one's peers) is not necessarily a negative thing.

Even if they were knackered, spent 23 hours playing and reading.. reaching out for your parent and being ignored is wrong.

That's completely different, if your child was playing and content. If your child was reaching out for your attention, and you ignored them, it would be wrong.

I have a 1 and 3 yr old and agree

Yep, this is why kids’ speech development is delayed, why kids are still in nappies when they get to school, why their teeth are bad… It’s not the effects of Covid, it’s parents who are totally lost in their phones. I’ve seen it loads of times and it started years ago…

I was in a pub fairly recently - a big group was having a meal out. The baby was in a high chair with an iPad and the adults barely said a word to that baby for the hour they were there.

That is very sad, poor child.

What if your children are in an emergency before they turn 16 and need to get in contact with you?

Fair enough giving them a bog standard Nokia rather than a smart phone but I’d rather my dc were able to get in contact with me should they need to.

Ahh but those parents needed a break don't you know. Or they needed a night out because parenting is so exhausting don't you know. Or they didn't realise that having a baby means your own life stops for a bit and why should it don't you know.
Happy parents means happy baby … apparently.

I agree OP, while we can never know the full context behind this particular situation, it is undeniable that phones are a very big issue.

If you look around any train, bus, cafe or restaurant the majority of people are on phones. If this is replicated at home what is it like for young children. Even in workplaces it is an issue. The government talk about productivity in the economy, well if half your workers are distracted by phones for hours a day then they are not productive. Also driving, we have all seen people stopped at lights or worse actually driving while scrolling.

Let's face it, phones are an addiction and it is time for it to be called out. The people behind the companies responsible for this are too powerful and nothing more than lip service will happen.

I agree and what's more sad is that child will likely have a tablet to amuse it within a couple of months.

Why does it require mum to wear headphones if she is trying to get the child to sleep? Surely they could wait until the child was actually asleep before listening to music etc. I hate to see it, call me judgemental and it probably is, but that’s how I feel when I see a mum wearing headphones pushing a pram with a baby old enough to engage.

It doesn’t matter. Little one just wanted some attention and at least one of the parents should’ve been off their phone.

Perhaps it is time to think of phones in the same way we did about smoking. They might not damage your physical health but they might damage your mental health and the health of those around you especially young children.

For those saying they despise seeing a toddler in a pushchair watching a tablet, I think it genuinely depends on the child.

Ds1 was a buggy refuser and would often have screaming tantrums whenever he was put in it. No amount of interacting would stop it. I admit if I was on a bus or in a shop, the tablet often came out so he didn’t scream the place down and disturb the fellow passengers. On the other hand, ds2 sits happily in his buggy and he’s never used a tablet.

Ds1 no longer uses his tablet but the short term use has had no ill effects on his behaviour or speech and development.

I don't, I make very conscious effort not to while at home while they're awake, and only whip my phone out when outside if I've received a message (which I'll only respond to right then if necessary), someone's calling (rare), or I need to find out something important (like what time's the next bus). Otherwise, my phone is only for taking photographs.

Our children need our attention for their development and for their sense of security and attachment. They're only young for a very short space of time, but we'll have all the time in the world to stare at Facebook and Wikipedia and MN etc once they don't need or even want us around very often, which will happen much sooner than most of us currently appreciate.

Before anyone accuses me of smugness, btw, I did use to be on my phone significantly longer during the day and would be sitting on it while my then-baby daughter vied for my attention. I had an uncomfortable epiphany one day when I looked away from my phone to see she was quietly sitting in front of me on the floor, staring at me staring at my phone, a look of resigned sadness on her pretty little face. I had no idea how long I'd been staring at my phone. It was that moment I felt like such an awful mother, and then made the decision to make a conscious effort to keep my phone away from me, if not not in the same room as me, then at the very least well out of hand's reach.

My husband still stares at his phone whenever I ask him to play with or watch the kids, though. It utterly infuriates me. A few days ago, he was sitting above our daughter while she was on the potty, phone on hand, not talking to her or encouraging her somehow or anything. I exasperatedly asked him if he realised he probably looked like he had a phone for a head from her perspective?

The problem is, the makers of all these apps and these websites (this one is a good example) are very good at getting us hooked on interacting with their content. So many of us are effectively addicted to our phones.

I have seen this in the playground quite a lot. Women on their phones whilst their young toddlers are playing - not taking pictures but scrolling. Certainly also see a lot of dads behaving like this too.
It’s really sad to witness .

Hear hear. They're just as addictive.

I said that while I was trying to get my awake baby to sleep I would sometimes have headphones in while pushing the pram. She was awake, but I couldn't interact with her, because then she wouldn't go to sleep. But to those posters saying it's terrible to see parents with headphones in while pushing a pram, how do you know their very awake child isn't supposed to be asleep? That they've been awake when they should have been asleep for the last several hours? The judgement is just horrific in a place that mum's should be being supported.

As a three year olds she's asleep right now, which is why I'm having some time doon scrolling. No nerves touched regarding my own parenting. Just dislike judgemental bullies.

Agree. And take your headphones off too. Tune in to your baby.

Whilst I agree (and similarly used to hate seeing parents with headphones on whilst their baby was awake when mine was little), I think you're preaching to the converted here. Those parents will make every excuse under the sun why they should just ignore their child, they simply won't get it ir care.

Completely agree. Went to a clinic and the walls were plastered with posters saying 'put your phones down, talk with your child' and lots of info on how vital that connection is for speech and social development, tips for ways to do it etc - still phone zombies sat ignoring their kids.

Oh OK then, so everyone who disagrees with you is an unsupportive bully. Ah well.

And given that it's what, not even 7am in the UK (if that's where you are), nobody will imagine you're currently scrolling and writing on MN while ignoring your very much awake 3-year-old. Again, a nerve has been touched.

Why would you engage with a child you're trying to get to sleep? If I even smiled at DD when she was fighting a nap she'd be sat up chatting to me instead of going to sleep. So yes, sometimes I'd put her in the pram, stick my headphones in (quietly) to stop myself from engaging with my too cute child because she needed the sleep and it was the way that worked for us.

You'd probably also judge if later on in the day, because she'd not slept, I was doing the food shopping we needed doing while she was screaming her head off because she'd gone over tired from no nap.

Parents can't win. Scrap that. Mums can't win. DH only ever got the "what a good dad" looks even if he was checking his phone while she was on the swing. However apparently people judged me for walking my child into her nap cos I listened to the radio for half an hour while getting her there.

No. Judgemental is what I said.

Speak to a speech snd language therapist and they’ll tell you the impact this is having.

Saddest thing I ever saw was a five year old chatting to her Mum or Gran ( hard to tell which) and being replied to with real hate and contempt. The saddest part was that the little girl wasn’t even reacting to being spoken to like this. This was clearly her normal. She just kept on chatting. And kept being replied to with hate.

Mulling on this. Where are we heading? That humans live in a virtual world? Parents on phone toddlers given screens as soon as possible. Teens online so don’t meet and socialise in person. All the old social / cognitive skills decline. Fewer children born because people don’t meet and cba to have them as they’d rather be scrolling / gaming in the virtual world. You may scoff but it’s already happening. It’s a huge societal shift that no one’s dealing with.