Please, please, please put away your phones...

[User63859]

Just witnessed a mother (and father) totally ignore their 18 month old (ish) child on the tube. Both of them totally engrossed in their phones. The baby was sat up in a buggy, awake (at 11pm but that's another issue) and had moments of trying to get their mother's attention. At one point the child leaned out of the buggy and buried its head in its mother's lap.

Not even a flinch from the mother. So concerned with scrolling (looking at a fashion website fwiw), she literally didn't even make eye contact.

It was heartbreaking. What are we doing to our children? Before all the late night trolls start piling in I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, we all have our weaknesses, but witnessing this has literally made me so so sad. I think what made me even sadder is the fact the baby just seemed to accept it. They tried to get the smallest acknowledgment from their mother, failed so just sat there staring into space. Oh, and watching their mother prioritise a bit of metal over them.

Please, for the love of whatever, put away your phones. We all like a scroll and a moan on mumsnet but do it when your kids are in bed. I'm so tired of seeing all this shit parenting and worrying about what a messed up world my son is going to grow up in.

To those that are guilty of this, one day you will long for these days back again and by then it will be too late and you'll be wondering why your kids need so much therapy.

Be better, please.

I agree.

I have a 11 week old and a 2.5 year old, so in the trenches atm. There are some days where I’m exhausted and would love to veg out not doing anything, however, I make a conscious effort to be off my phone until they are napping or in bed for the evening.

You can’t judge that though. They may have been at a one off event, like a family wedding or party. It’s not ideal but once in a blue moon, a late night for a child isn’t the end of the world. However, if it’s a regular occurrence, then that’s a different story.

Ugh. Someone always will make this kind of comment. I very much doubt it this isn't their usual behaviour, people like this are always like this, I see it all the time.

I thought of the Still Face Experiment, too.
In the video I've seen of that experiment being carried out the toddler starts wailing after only few minutes of mum being completely non-responsive. It was filmed in the 70s or 80s.
In OP's scenario the fact that this little one went a whole half hour without becoming distressed means, either, there's no issue here and she was actually half asleep or something. Or, some of generation alpha are being raised to not even be distressed by a lack of responsive eye contact with a primary care giver, for a whole half hour (when previous generation they wouldn't cope with even five minutes). Does that mean they're really resilient or really messed up?

It's a fair point, noone is holding father's feet to the fire in the way we are mum.
Is that because this is Mumsnet, and we're putting ourselves in mum's position, thinking, what would I do?
Is it because the little child was reaching out to her mum, putting her head in mum's lap, not dad's, in a bid for interaction?
Or is it because we hold mums to a higher standard? Believe that, at the end of the day, when it comes to something as fundamental as secure attachment, the buck stops with mum?
I think I probably do believe that, but I recognise it's not a universal belief. Maybe the liberal feminist position is that both parents have to be thought of as exactly the same, it's better for both parents to be equally unresponsive to a child than for mum to be well engaged and dad to be stuck on his phone 24/7.

Agree OP, it’s very sad to see. Even in the supermarket here, I see kids sat in trolleys holding iPads or phones watching things. I think it turns into a bit of a vicious cycle…you want five minutes peace so you give them the device, but then it starts to become the only thing that calms them down/gets them to do something so you just end up giving it all the time. And then they are firmly addicted.

The most depressing thing is when I see a kid (or worse baby!) in a pram staring at a screen

I do agree.

Is there WiFi on the tube now?

Half an hour. That’s a fair chunk.

I’ve seen this sort of thing more and more and I’d bet my life this is habitual

Agree, or when the parent is wearing headphones not talking to the baby/child. So important for their development!

@User63859 Did you speak up for the baby any time at all while you were on the train near them?

I often see mums pushing their babies along wearing headphones. Fine if baby / toddler is asleep, but often they aren't and are old enough to have a little chat as you walk along, pointing things out etc. Mine are grown now, youngest 17, but I am definitely guilty of spending too much time on my phone. But not when they were babies. I didn’t even have a smartphone though to be fair when any were under 5, that does make it much easier than having to open the laptop like I did.

I'd go with messed up. They've learned, because this has happened multiple times, that there is no point protesting.

Is reading a book not just ignoring your child in a different way?

Half an hour at 11pm on what was likely a busy Saturday out is not a true reflection of anyone's life.

I don't agree with ignoring your child for a phone, but I also don't agree with judging someone you see at a random point in their life when you know nothing else about them.

I used to walk DD around the park in the pram when she wouldn't sleep at nap time. She would drop off if I just stayed quiet and pushed her round. You likely would have judged me for not talking to her for her development.

I agree.

Oh come on, that's not the same thing and you know it.

What, if I put my headphones in for a bit of quiet music whilst pushing my baby in a pram to get her to sleep, that wouldn't look the same as me wearing headphones and not talking to the child?

I gave context from the parents point of view and now it's not the same? How would you know which it was from outside the situation?

Can I just add that a mother commented on me reading a book whilst my child was playing this week soo we can't win really . . .

And what if they were trying to get the child to sleep? That's what I used to do when she was fighting nap time. Walk in the pram, wouldn't talk to her because that would keep her awake.

How do you know they aren't doing that? And allowing themselves half an hour of a pod cast or music while getting their child to nap?

I agree with you but you did sound a little preachy with

The baby was sat up in a buggy, awake (at 11pm but that's another issue)

What would be the issue, that the baby was out with his parents late at night?

Again, deliberately misconstruing other people's points. Are you on the defensive because some of these comments have touched a nerve, by any chance?

Nobody here is saying that someone having their headphones on while their baby SLEEPS is an issue, they're saying that someone deliberately ignoring their very much awake child by wearing headphones or staring into their phones is wrong. Surely you can see the difference?

Talk to your baby/toddler, it’s how they learn.

Exactly this!

Please, please, please mind your own business!

you have no idea what the parents are like the rest of the time and no idea of the day they have had. Unless someone is causing harm to someone then leave them to it. I’m sure there’s plenty of things you do that we could judge you for when it comes to parenting, but guess what, it’s none of my business!

@Crazyworldmum ive Been there and I to had times where I had to sit and look at just anything on my phone to stop myself bursting into tears