Please, please, please put away your phones...

[User63859]

Just witnessed a mother (and father) totally ignore their 18 month old (ish) child on the tube. Both of them totally engrossed in their phones. The baby was sat up in a buggy, awake (at 11pm but that's another issue) and had moments of trying to get their mother's attention. At one point the child leaned out of the buggy and buried its head in its mother's lap.

Not even a flinch from the mother. So concerned with scrolling (looking at a fashion website fwiw), she literally didn't even make eye contact.

It was heartbreaking. What are we doing to our children? Before all the late night trolls start piling in I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, we all have our weaknesses, but witnessing this has literally made me so so sad. I think what made me even sadder is the fact the baby just seemed to accept it. They tried to get the smallest acknowledgment from their mother, failed so just sat there staring into space. Oh, and watching their mother prioritise a bit of metal over them.

Please, for the love of whatever, put away your phones. We all like a scroll and a moan on mumsnet but do it when your kids are in bed. I'm so tired of seeing all this shit parenting and worrying about what a messed up world my son is going to grow up in.

To those that are guilty of this, one day you will long for these days back again and by then it will be too late and you'll be wondering why your kids need so much therapy.

Be better, please.

As a three year olds she's asleep right now, which is why I'm having some time doon scrolling. No nerves touched regarding my own parenting. Just dislike judgemental bullies.

Why is anyone who says something someone else doesn't like or agree with a bully these days? It's ridiculous.

I completely agree with you OP but at least their 18-year old wasn’t on the phone/tablet. I see this all the time in buses/restaurants - very young children in buggies on a phone /tablet while the parent is glued to theirs.

I have taken to complimenting mothers that I see interacting with their babies/toddlers when out in buggies and tell them how lovely it is to see a child being talked to and not ignored for a phone.
Don't get me started on having a buggy rammed into me because the person pushing it is looking at Facebook and not where they're going!

Oh fuck off. This is basic human interaction and society is the poorer for it being so absent. If phones didnt exist,what would people think of someone just steadfastly not responding to their child fr that length of time, just staring away from the child, ignoring the child. No touch, no eye contact, no verbal contact, nothing.

And both of them at the same time.

Dreadful. And not isolated, I see it all the time

OP you are right, not unreasonable at all

Judgemental bullies is what you said.

The fact you don't even remember posting that just shows how blithely that term is bandied around these days.

I have to admit I came home from a play cafe with my toddler just this week and told my husband about a baby (the age when they just start sitting up) just staring into space in an empty soft play area, without any other babies to interact with, while his mum was scrolling on Instagram behind him. It was definitely his mum as they looked so alike. (I’m used to seeing totally inattentive childminders and nannies around here tbh, so this doesn’t surprise me…) However, I did wonder at the time if she was tired/fed up as she looked a little despondent but I still wondered why she didn’t put him in one of the areas with many babies to stimulate him if she was too exhausted to. I have a chronic non-sleeper still so I know what this feels like.

Tbh, I think it did touch a nerve with me and raised it with DH to remind ourselves to do better rather than a “Aren’t we wonderful parents” flex because, as much as I’m sure I could be accused of performance parenting in my interactions with DC a lot of the time, I am also guilty of spending time on my phone doing ‘productivity’ things like online shopping and sending emails etc rather than social stuff while on the bus and things - when she’s got her book or colouring or something. I don’t have social media beyond MN yet I still manage to spend too much time on it sometimes. I really wish modern life didn’t revolve so much around tech, as much as it has been helpful with online banking, ordering prescriptions etc.

I also once heard an older child (maybe four) pleading (literal sense of word - not just being melodramatic) with his mum saying “Get off your phone!” I was shocked to hear if from a child’s mouth tbh but again it touched a nerve with me and made me want to do better as I think it’d stay with me forever if my own DC ever felt the need to say that to me.

I have to admit I was shocked when I found out neighbours’ 3yo has their own phone for watching their shows and playing games. He is actually overly clingy with me even at barbecues and things - and he barely knows me. Has met me a handful of very spaced out times.

It’s certainly not only mums who wear headphones when out with their DC, in fact more likely a male, though I certainly do see women too. There may be all kinds of reasons, but pretty sure plenty are wearing headphones for all the walk whether getting their DC to sleep or not.

The narrative is “Covid”. It’s not though is it it’s phones. But that’s too hard to confront.

Feel pathetically relieved there weren’t smart phones when mine were tiny. Neither had a phone or even iPad until 11 as I’m a late adopter generally.

You can’t have an opinion without being accused of that. I guess it touches a nerve. And no-one is perfect, but ignoring DC for phones in public does look poor and people will judge.

Could be. Or they could be shit parents. A lot of parents are terrible parents so why couldn’t these two be? We seem to automatically assume that someone is just having a bad day when we see examples of shit parenting and then we’re all sympathetic when people say they grew up with terrible parents. My guess is that they are bad parents because even if you were having a bad day surely you wouldn’t both totally blank your young child?

Why is it acceptable to judge someone as a parent because you see a 30 minute snapshot of their life? To post it online for everyone else to say how terrible a parent they were

How is that not being a judgemental bully? "I saw you spend 30 mins on your phone/with headphones in, your poor child". Did you see the other 23.5 hours of my day? Where I took my child to the swings, baked cakes together, read all her favourite stories, built castles out of blocks, made her a picnic to get her to eat, filled the bird feeders so she could count how many came into her garden, laid in her bed with her to settle her back to sleep after she woke up and couldn't find her bunny? Where's the post online about those hours of a mums day?

pretty sure.

Definitive then.

Ok but moving away from berating individuals you can’t deny this is a widespread societal issue? Ask any primary school about the decline in their intake year on year. That’s not all caused by busy mum having a 20 min break after being Mary poppins for 12 hours is it?

Theres nothing wrong with judging or judgement and its not bullying to rightly criticise poor practice.

Our decision to have only one child was very much impacted by how much everything costs.

Nothing to do with whether we wanted to spend more time on screens.

You've complained about bullies and how people should be more supportive of mums, too.

And since you responded before I finished editing my comment, I'll paste what I wrote:

"And given that it's what, not even 7am in the UK (if that's where you are), nobody will imagine you're currently scrolling and writing on MN while ignoring your very much awake 3-year-old. Again, a nerve has been touched."

That's the thing, nobody is judging you, or anyone else, for being on their phones or having headphones on while their children aren't awake, it's when they are awake and wanting your attention that's the problem.

Yes, sorry, but you are being judged here. You can't possibly come onto a site like MM, share something like this (especially going against the grain of the general opinion), without being disagreed with and judged. In fact, you're being judged every day of your life by almost everyone you come into contact with, and not just on how you choose to bring up your children.

Why does it clearly bother you? If you honestly believe how you're in the right here, you wouldn't care what the rest of us are saying. The fact that you're being very defensive suggests that, as I've said before, a nerve has been touched.

I take my small dog on the bus/tube/train. I don’t even get my phone out, my job is to reassure her and hold her. If my dog can feel my presence and know I’m in it with her, so can my children.

My parents are in their 70s and even I have been shocked at how engrossed and addicted they have become with their phones. Never when the grandkids are around, but just in daily life.
It’s an addiction and it’s so sad that children are growing up competing with phones for their parents attention.

Im very glad I was an early 80s baby. Life was more simple but much better.

Oh I’m so glad this Mum interacted with her child in just exactly the right way so that a stranger couldn’t judge her for either neglectful parenting or performance parenting.

Don’t look at you phone or you are emotionally damaging you child. But don’t interact with them too enthusiastically or else you are clearly putting on a performance of parenting. Jesus Christ.

Exactly.

It's very much a form of bullying to come online and post about a person you've seen do something to tell everyone they're terrible parents.

And some of us will defend others. It's nothing to do with whether a nerve is touched. I will defend others from bullies in real life too. I have done many times.

I often think "what would I want someone to do if that person was my daughter / sister / mother?"

It's one thing to feel sad for a child you've seen where the mum was on her phone. It's another entirely to come online and create a thread to berate her.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos It is acknowledged that we should not judge particular situations based on a snapshot. What the OP has raised is a question for us as a society about smartphones being used increasingly around young children and the impact this will have. We need to understand how that technology will impact our children and their development. What kind of social impact is this technology having on is all? Given the widespread use it is reasonable to ask these questions.

But nobody sees that, do they? They're going from what they see, not what may have been beforehand.

And, hand on heart, have YOU never judged a mother for her conduct towards her child in public (despite having no idea what had come before you clapped eyes on them)? Of course you have.

I mean the world and the country is not underpopulated and in fact could benefit from a population reduction. Also purely anecdotal but the most neglectful shitty parents I know have multiple children.

🙄