Please, please, please put away your phones...

[User63859]

Just witnessed a mother (and father) totally ignore their 18 month old (ish) child on the tube. Both of them totally engrossed in their phones. The baby was sat up in a buggy, awake (at 11pm but that's another issue) and had moments of trying to get their mother's attention. At one point the child leaned out of the buggy and buried its head in its mother's lap.

Not even a flinch from the mother. So concerned with scrolling (looking at a fashion website fwiw), she literally didn't even make eye contact.

It was heartbreaking. What are we doing to our children? Before all the late night trolls start piling in I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, we all have our weaknesses, but witnessing this has literally made me so so sad. I think what made me even sadder is the fact the baby just seemed to accept it. They tried to get the smallest acknowledgment from their mother, failed so just sat there staring into space. Oh, and watching their mother prioritise a bit of metal over them.

Please, for the love of whatever, put away your phones. We all like a scroll and a moan on mumsnet but do it when your kids are in bed. I'm so tired of seeing all this shit parenting and worrying about what a messed up world my son is going to grow up in.

To those that are guilty of this, one day you will long for these days back again and by then it will be too late and you'll be wondering why your kids need so much therapy.

Be better, please.

In the (unlikely) event I would instantly know it was about me. I would either

reflect on the comments, take them on board and do better or

wouldn't give a shit what other people think, because I have faith in my parenting abilities and know this was a one off, or

not give a shit because I know best, my baby, my rules.

I wouldn't make a judgement on parenting on the tube at 11pm. They've probably had quite a day, I think most of us who have toddlers would be tucked up in bed at that time and if not we would be exhausted. Who knows what kind of day they have had to be on the tube at that time.

I listened in astonishment to a woman speaking on Radio 4's Woman's Hour about parents needing to learn to speak to their children and interact and make eye contact while doing basic things like changing nappies and bathing them. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a mother who talked to me and played with me all the time. Many people just aren't talking to children in the way they used to, or making as much direct eye contact, because they are so engrossed in their phones.

I went to a concert last night. There was an unexpected delay of about 20 minutes before things got started. Everyone else was peering at their phones but I chose to sit and just look around the venue and soak up the atmosphere. A man around my age approached, smiled and said 'We seem to be the only people here who aren't on our phones. How old-fashioned are we? Do you chat?' I said yes, and we then had one of those life-affirming conversations in which we talked about the music we'd both come to hear and when we'd first discovered the composer. If you're staring at your phone you lose out on the small, uplifting moments of connection with those around you. Poor kids.

Phones and apps are designed to be compelling and addictive - for example they have teams of people devising just the right shade of red to make users feel maximum urgency when seeing their notifications. A book can be engrossing, absolutely, but (for the majority at least) literature is just not compelling and addictive in the same way - it really isn’t.

Lol, okay then 🤣

I’m glad I didn’t have a smartphone when my kids were little. Just a dumb Nokia which did me well enough. I also see the parents on their phones in the park/ pushing the buggies and wonder what the long term effects are. Worse, they hand the phone to their toddlers as a pacifier.

Mother? Where have plucked mother from? There were two parents there - both of them were both immersed in their phones.

Going along with all the what iffery here, couldn't they tag team?

You're making the mistake of thinking that without their phones they would engage with their child - parents in general were no more responsive pre-smartphones, they just used other things to avoid interacting with their children. Newspapers, books, TV, radio, other adults, Valium, magazines.

The OP primarily refers to the mother in the OG post.

Sad as it is, sitting on your phone while your baby is there at the end of a long day is one thing. Completely ignoring your child trying to get your attention because you’re so engrossed in your phone is another.

Phone use is a major concern for society as a whole and some parents are addicted to the point it's dangerous for their kids.

Some parents scroll their phone in front of their kids because they are trying to escape the sheer relentless monotony of parenting and whatever terrible circumstances they're experiencing for a few moments and this will not affect their child.

Both these things are true.

You can judge and still be compassionate and supportive of other parents. If you didn't care enough to say anything (pleasantly and helpfully) to them at the time then don't come posting on an anonymous internet forum lambasting them.

It's a parental impulse isn't it? Not even a decision, just a natural reaction to your child.

I agree.
you see it all the time parents completely disengaged with children out on walks on their phones. no interaction. I always think it’s a snapshot of their day and life, but for some (not all) they will be ignored. It’s storing up a whole host of issues.

In previous comments I've already stated that phones can be addictive and that certain websites are literally designed to keep pulling you back.

However, most people aren't in fact addicted and have the ability to look at their behaviour and cut back if they so choose. The guy talking for 10 mins about how wasted he was the other night with his mate (while completely ignoring his toddler) or the other one who made multiple calls to different people over a period of 40 to talk about the same holiday, while completely ignoring his son (who actually came up to me and my toddler and asked if he could play with us) weren't addicted to their phones, they were just weren't interested in their children.

Plus, the fact that these phones can be addictive isn't a good enough excuse for people completely ignoring their children. Sorry.

I agree that not acknowledging your child for a good 30 minutes because your too engrossed in your phone and they really are trying to get attention is not good, but I definitely don't see a problem with parents being on their phones and like others have said you are only witnessing a snapshot of someone's day. I go on my phone for all sorts of reasons (food ordering, paying bills, sending emails or important messages, ordering things for my little girl that she needs etc) and also sometimes just feel a bit overwhelmed and need a bit of time to doom scroll. That said, I don't ignore my child I do keep an eye on what shes doing and will put my phone down again to watch her doing something or start singing songs with her or have a cuddle, and then I might pick up my phone again when she gets bored of me and want to go playing by herself for 10 minutes. It's all about balance but also life is busy and there's always something to think about that 95% of the time might involve using a phone! That's how it is these days.

There is a part of me that wonders if the parents did have a long day, but it really takes nothing to acknowledge your child when they're wanting an interaction from you. When my 1 year old is out travelling with me and her Dad and she is trying to interact with me, my phone goes in my pocket. I am guilty of it myself looking at my phone sometimes, but as soon as I know my child wants attention, I stop and all of my attention is on her. One day she is going to grow into someone who isn't going to always want to talk to me. I want to appreciate the moments with her while I can.

It’s the new drug!
(deleting mumsnet and Instagram apps from my phone for the rest of today…)

Thx. I’ve raised 2 lovely, kind, well balanced, resilient, talented, academic DC who have never been bullied by the same person twice.

Not taking any crap off anyone who overstepped the boundary placed around my family played a massive part in that.

Agree

@ExpatMum41

Logging off now, my baby's awake

So see, you either ignored your waking baby for at least 30 seconds to type that (rather unnecessary) sentence to a bunch of randoms on a glorified social media website. Or your baby was already awake while you were debating with randoms on social media. Judging is fun!

Well done. The world would be a lot better place if all those entitled, judgy types (more often than not from quite privileged backgrounds themselves) had been put in their place a lot sooner!

Battling depression lately, at home with 1yo and 10 weeks pregnant, freezing cold day I manage to get us bundled up and out of the house (ending with both of us in tears). He loves his buggy, as we start walking he calms down, I start to scroll the replies from my sister that morning, Id messaged her in desperation saying I didn't know how I'd get thru the day etc.

Neighbour steps out of her drive to mock me for "playing" on my phone. I burst into tears and went back home, called dh to come home I couldn't cope and was worried Id end up hurting the baby or something awful.

My neighbours probably a pp on this thread. She could easily have kindly said "hey sweetie why don't you try talking to him?" and I might have told her about my day instead, she could have given me a hug and some advice, and my parenting would have had a whole lot more help.

The high and mighty tone of some people is ridiculous and it's no wonder some of us are feeling "triggered."

Sorry needed to get that out.

You might not care what strangers think but you will care what your child thinks. They don’t stay babies and young children. They will “judge” you when they are adults. And they have every right to.

Was my eldest was 18last year I was making a joke about being a bad mum about something I did when they were little and she very seriously said “no you were a good mum”. She’s not given to over praise or hyperbole so that meant a lot. Imagine your child not being able to say that because you were goggling at your phone every time they wanted your attention?

@MondayYogurt so sad

My BIL & SIL were these parents. Didn’t take long for nephew to realise that the best way to get attention was to be badly behaved. Now he’s 13 and has been an absolute brat for years. Thankfully we only see them once a year for a maximum of 36hrs when we’re at the in-laws at the same time.