Reception DD Being Assaulted

[kurotora]

AIBU to think that it’s not normal for a child in Reception to come home regularly with injuries from another child - eg black eye, split lip, lots of bruising?

Our DD is 4 years old, and on a weekly/biweekly basis she will come home with the aforementioned kind of wounds, all from one particular boy in her class. I have been at the school, sent emails, taken photos. The response has been frustrating - a lot of outright denial that they saw anything when DD says otherwise, minimising, implying that it “must have been a fall”. We have seen him go for her, zero in on her and harass her at class parties, and the school have acknowledged this in a roundabout way, but have been very unhelpful. DD is a quiet, shy girl with an autism diagnosis who finds it very very hard to speak up, especially when upset, and they are putting the onus on her to tell the teachers when this is happening.

The best we have had is that they’re “keeping them apart” which sounds ludicrous and impractical in a rowdy class of 30, but we will also get Tapestry updates with photos of them sat near each other etc. So we know that’s not happening.

I feel very powerless and it seems absolutely abnormal to me that a little girl should just have to deal with being assaulted like this. There was definitely never any injuries like this when I was at primary school and I came from a much rougher place than we live now!

What are the parents of the little scruff,bullying your daughter doing about their kids behaviour 🤔?

This is a totally unacceptable situation. I understand that this meeting tomorrow is worrying for you but you need to step up at it and be seriously assertive on your daughter's behalf.
My daughter who is now 28 also had an early ASD diagnosis but she was lucky enough to have an extra TA allocated to her class because of this. In her last few yeas at Primary school, she started having problems with one particular boy, who enjoyed making her life a misery. He wasn't hurting her physically but knew all the right buttons to press to really upset her. I had several meetings with the school about this but all their attempts to put a stop to it failed, so I went round to his house to speak to his mother. The mother wasn't best pleased to see me but she did hear me out and his behaviour improved considerably after my visit. Is speaking to this boy's parents at all an option OP? I realise he's really young but they must have some sway over his behaviour.

As regards the school, they simply can't be allowed to wash their hands of this situation. Your DD is a particularly vulnerable child. The school appear to be doing little to nothing to safeguard her. This is simply not acceptable. By expecting your small daughter to advocate for herself when her disability makes this impossible for her is DISCRIMINATION on the school's part on the grounds of her disability. You need to tell them this. Keep banging on with the terms failure to safeguard, failure to take account of her additional needs and discrimination.
You say you have photographic proof of all her injuries and this could be very helpful. If you are getting nowhere with the school tomorrow start threatening. Threaten to take this up with the LEA. Threaten to involve your local councillor and MP, the school will want to avoid this. If the school has an outstanding grading they will care about their reputation. I would go as far as to say this might be affecting why they are doing nothing to help you. They don't want to acknowledge a problem in their "outstanding" school.
I totally understand why you and your partner are feeling a bit overwhelmed by dealing with this. I am also not a person who likes to kick up a fuss but when it came to being an advocate for my DD, I turned into a different person. She couldn't speak up for herself at school and my husband like yours was not good at this sort of thing. That only left me. I used to pretend I was playing a part of a confident assertive mother, even though I was shaking on the inside.

Good luck tomorrow just keep telling yourself that you are in the right here and the school needs to get this sorted one way or another. I dearly wish I could come along with you for moral support x

Write down every point you want to make and go through every single one until you get assurances of her safety. Take photos and a record of events.

As your husband might not speak up, get him a notebook and have him make him take detailed notes.

There absolutely should be an elected Chair or the LGB, and the board should have elected Parents. The Head will be on the LGB, perhaps also some elected staff, but is typically answerable to the Chair. These details should be on the school website. If not, demand to know why. In the absence of a Chair, ask who is the HT accountable to because that person will be to whom you address any next stage complaint.

Do not expect to get details of their approach to the other child. They won’t tell you and that’s not your concern. Your focus and insistence is on how they will take measures to keep your daughter safe.

Good luck.

It's ridiculous to put the burden on your dd to speak up especially when she has Autism. It is the schools responsibility to keep your child safe. It's the least you can expect from them.

At the meeting I would keep saying the responsibility to keep your child safe is on them. I would also say I would be reporting further incidents to the police.

It's amazing that your child is still willing to go to school and isn't school refusing.

I wish I could be more help. It's an awful situation for your family.

Is this meeting being held under part of the complaints policy? If not, I would find it and then I suspect if you’re not happy with the outcome, then you’d probably move to the next stage of the complaints policy which if it is about the head would be a complaint to the chair of governors. After that it goes to governor panel, and the governor panel need to have no knowledge of the complaint and staff governors aren’t allowed to sit on them. (You bring in governors from other local governing bodies if necessary.) This is the best way to complain to schools - the LEA/Ofsted should expect you to follow the school complaints policy first. (I say should because there are always random exceptions, but the vast majority will say please follow the complaints policy first.)

Read through the safeguarding and bullying policies before you go and gentle challenge if they’re not following them, you can write notes if you want so you don’t forget things. You can ask about the risk assessment, where should supervision be when they’re outside/play or free flow. Remind them of your DD’s diagnosis, communication difficulties and that it’s not realistic for her to keep finding a teacher and telling someone what happened.

Listen carefully to the responses, don’t be scared to ask for a moment if you need one. Make sure you know what actions will be taken, who is responsible and by when. You can always follow up in writing afterwards to keep a written trail. Aim to be a polite persistent pest, there’s no point threatening lots of things. Most heads are reasonable and will want to resolve things and keep your DD safe.

The make up of the governing body should be on the website, some schools struggle to find governors so a small governing body is entirely possible, but you do need external oversight, so they should be making every effort to keep advertising and state vacancies.

Ah, OP. I had this with my youngest at primary. Green slips daily, poor dd was kicked, pinched, punched etc by one other girl. Took forever for them to act and even then I heard from dd that the perp kid had moved onto a different girl. I expressed my concerns that the abuse just moved on to another kid and the deputy laughed and said "if it's not your kid, don't rock the boat as they say haha". As much as I understood, I didn't know if that child had the privilege of parents advocating for them. I'll never know. There were more incidents on and off but not almost daily and in the end I took my kids to study in a different country.
All I can say is, uk, well, London for sure is....rough as hell. 😂
My youngest went from never wanting to go to school, crying etc to happily running to school. It's honestly worth moving her if possible and not normalising abuse from another child. It's such a wild concept to me.
Good luck!!! The comments look very knowledgeable, I didn't get that far!

There are some very good ideas here. I’m going to get my notepad out tomorrow morning and consult the school’s policies.

To address a point earlier, I’m glad that DD has not started school refusal and being miserable about this, but the situation is complex and hard for me to understand. I don’t want to be all about “it’s her autism” but she is significantly affected socially and it may be part of things.

Basically, she likes this child - sometimes. They play together - sometimes. She very quickly forgets things that have happened. She will be afraid and dislike him at the time and on the same day but then she will continue on like nothing happened. She has no real fear of anything or sense of danger, and a very high pain threshold. But, it concerns me that she will usually self blame. For example on the last occasion, she was hit hard in the head around the temple but told us it was all her fault because she was in his way when he wanted to play where she was. Other times she says he “only hits her for fun”.

But it’s not fun rough and tumble. It’s bruising and injury. She is a very slight, slim girl, he’s a chunky big boy. Her awareness/upset level is entirely beside the point.

Honestly I would be moving class or even school. Of course things can happen sometimes, but this should be a one off and then swift action and a robust monitoring/supervision in place. They are failing to keep your child safe and that is not acceptable. So you as a parent need to do that on your child’s behalf. This is not okay.

I don’t want to get into detail about the parents but the lad had no hope. They’ve had him decked out in designer tracksuits and big gold chains since he was 2. I’ve seen dad “boxing” with him. But he definitely gravitates to my DD for this aggression, no idea why, but I’ve seen it at parties.

Move school, they're not addressing this very serious issue.

Move school and follow up a complaint everywhere, the school, the council, ofsted, anyone who will listen! This is not ok!

Having taught in Reception, I can’t understand how a child is repeatedly hurt by another child regularly without an adult noticing. There is nowhere in our Reception initiative where a child could be out of the vision of an adult - and knowing your DD has already been hurt, there is absolutely no way it has happened again without an adult witnessing it.

The school claim it was not witnessed. DD says otherwise.

On a previous occasion she came home from school with a black eye and lots of leg and abdominal bruising, and signs of obviously having been crying a lot in the day (all purple under the eyes). She said boy “pushed her over and stepped on her” (I’d take that to mean gave her a kicking, by the bruising). I asked if a teacher saw, she said “yes, they shouted at him a lot”. I was livid - wrote a big email to school, went up and saw them, and they denied they’d seen anything. “Maybe she fell during PE”. I know children are unreliable narrators but I highly, HIGHLY doubt the school on this one.

With all this you can see that our number one option is to just get out of there, and hopefully the council can get us a different school (there’s one locally with places - and a TERRIBLE reputation, which seems like a non-solution).

the governors are made up of the head, DD’s class teacher, TA, and a couple of others who are active. So I doubt that’s much of a route.

That can't be the whole governing body. Who is the chair of governors?

This has sent chills up my spine. Currently going through the exact same with dd in Year 3. Same brushing it under the carpet, making excuses, telling me she's bumped her head when in fact she's been hit repeatedly by the other child involved, etc etc etc. Dd has completely checked out of learning as well, currently working at a level so far below her usual, and has come to the conclusion that is just how you are treated at school as there are zero consequences for the other child.

I've spoken to the head, the chair of governors etc, and it's become clear that they would rather protect the bullies, rather than keep children safe in their school and as a result I have accepted a place at a different school for after Easter. She cannot wait to leave. It's such a shame and I cannot believe this is happening elsewhere as well. You have my utmost sympathy.

How can it not be witnessed? How big is the classroom! A black eye is not normal in any realm!

Please write down the things that you wish to say with dates and details of injuries - take this with you (and refer to it in order - do not feel hassled or rushed or intimidated), send it to head beforehand and copy in the governors and LA. Or academy trust as appropriate. At the end of this message be clear that you intend to speak to OfSted if you get no action at this meeting. They are an Outstanding school (!) and will be desperate to retain this.

Also research the safeguarding policy of the school and its bullying policy - they should have both available there. If they haven't, you need to be asking why not.

It is very important that you are very clear and do not feel railroaded in any way. If you do, count to 10 and then reply. If you still feel this way then articulate it. "I feel you are railroading me and hassling me, when your job is to listen."

You could of course indicate that you will be recording the meeting on your phone - the head cannot stop you doing that.

Your child needs you both to step outside of your comfort zone - I know it is hard - but this is fundamentally wrong and could have a serious impact on her whole education by setting up a negative attitude to school.

One teacher at my DD's school kept calling her stupid (she was behind because of reading difficulties - but no excuse for what she way saying!) - I talked to the head who said "Mrs M would never call a child stupid" - we knew she did it all the time. I calmly said, "Would you like me to go and fetch J (my older highly intelligent older DD who had been through the same class) and ask her if Mrs M ever calls children stupid?" The head backed down instantly.

Injuries are happening. Where is their risk assessment for your dd? What measures are they taking to prevent her being injured again? This isn't just small child pushing and nipping. If these two children are not safe together why isn't the situation being managed so that they cannot be together? Where and at what times of day and in what activities are the injuries happening? How are those times and situations being adapted to be safer?

Re the 'inclusion' claim: the Equality Act is specific in the duties to disabled children, including 'reasonable adjustments' with consideration of impact on others, and being proactive to avoid situations like this arising. Nowhere does it mention children being acceptable collateral damage to poor practice. Inclusion means adapted successfully to be accessible for everyone.

This needs reporting to Ofsted on safeguarding grounds. It's basic failure of duty of care.

This is so awful OP. It is not on.

I agree with a lot of the advice

I had this too. Loads of bruising. Some incidents where she didn’t tell teacher, but others where she was adamant a teacher/ supervising adult had seen. A teacher that was leaving for maternity leave was helpful and confirmed a couple of incidents but the rest went unrecorded on their systems. Some (poor) schools care more for their own reputation / lack of hassle than the kids, and it’s toxic. Good luck getting her out asap

This! ⬆️ The school are failing in their duty of care towards your daughter. It's a huge safeguarding issue. Formal complaint, removal & don't let it go; Governors, LA, local press if necessary.

With those type of injuries I would almost be on the verge of police involvement! I know you can't actually do it as the offender is also a child . Absolutely heartsick for you. Noone seems to be taking this seriously.

I just want to add my sympathy as I was your daughter once, @kurotora. As a barely-five year-old I was physically beaten up at playtimes by two much bigger boys - this was a long time before the current 'Year x' system but they were in their final year, so more than twice my age.

I too was a quiet, painfully shy child who couldn’t/didn't know how to speak out, but I vividly remember crying at morning break times because I knew I’d have to go outside and I knew I’d be hit. I still couldn’t explain to a teacher. Eventually my mother saw the bruises and went straight to the school. Again, it was years before the kind of policies now in place but the headteacher unleashed her considerable wrath on the boys and the violence stopped.

I feel so upset to think about your little girl enduring this, and you and your DH must be beside yourselves. There’s been such good advice on this thread - I hope it helps and that the meeting with the school goes well, but please push it. I can’t believe how casual they’re being about this awful situation.

Definitely go in with a record of all your child’s injuries, their comments about the cause of injuries and ideally any pictures you took of the injuries. Go through the record with the school in detail and ask them the following.
What have they done to keep your child safe?
Do they think what they have done has been good enough?
How have they adhered to their own bullying and safeguarding policies?
How do they intend to keep your child safe in the future?
What emotional support are they providing to your child to cope with her experiences of abuse in the school setting?
What is the formal complaint process for the school?

I would be going to the lado (local area designated officer) at your local authority, submitting any photographs you have. It's clear they are failing to safeguard a very vulnerable young child. Ofsted won't do anything other than pass it onto them.

The names of all governors should be on the school website. Usually there is the head and 1 staff governor and you might get the deputy head as an associate governor but there are other roles within a governing board that staff cannot take on. I would also make a formal written complaint to the chair of governors.

Then finally I would make a subject access request requesting any information the school hold on your daughter (you'll find a template on the IPSEA website). You'll be surprised how often I've had parents I've been supporting discover that things were happening they didn't know about solely from their child's paperwork!

Oh I know what you mean now. Trash breeds the next generation of trash.