Not visit my mum in the US?

[Schylla40]

Moved here from the US 2 years ago with my British DH and my American teenage DC. It’s been a roller coaster but we’re happy to be here. Came here because I have better job opportunities in my field, I like my in-laws, and because Kiddo is biracial and non-binary, they feel much safer here. They’ve been dealing with OCD and they are on the spectrum. Plus we really dodged a bullet given who’s back in the White House!

My mum still lives in the US. More specifically, Alabama. We do not have a great relationship- she’s overly critical, was verbally abusive to me and my dad. Tries to bully everyone (even DH, who will have none it) to do what she wants, but also wants to maintain the facade that we’re a happy family.

She teases Kiddo about their weight (even after I ask her to stop several times). This results in Kiddo asking us if they’re fat several times a day, going on for several weeks afterwards.

She flew out here to spend 2 weeks with us for Christmas, and it was stressful to say the least - even though she did not stay at our house, she still managed to pick a fight with each of us!

Now she wants Kiddo and I to visit her this summer. I really don’t want to but I feel like I should as her only daughter. Kiddo really doesn’t want to go because they’re afraid to go to the South, and we’re hearing that some Americans are being refused leaving the US for being trans, nonbinary, etc. I don’t blame Kiddo.

I was really stressed and overwhelmed dealing with living here but things have settled quite a bit. But since I’m the breadwinner in my immediate family, I’m super protective of my peace and try to take extra care of myself. Being around her has rarely if ever comfortable - I’m just either stressed or unhappy the entire time. No one else in my extended family wants to deal with her - she burns bridges wherever she goes, even at age 79!

I don’t want to go but I feel I have to.

How will border control know 'kiddo' is non-binary?

Isn't the leaving the USA thing more about passports not matching actual sex?
So if your DC's passport is accurate to sex then there shouldn't be an issue?

The rest I don't know.

You don't 'have to'. 💐

Dunno, up to you.
Whyare you saying kiddo so much and why would kiddo be refused to leave the country?
Have a little think: how likely is it that border police will ask if you are bi and would then refuse to allow you to leave?

I'm assuming thi is a mix of not liking your mum much and a fair bit of virtue signalling about stuff that just isn't happening

“Kiddo” is understandably reluctant but you would be fine.

If you don't want to go then don't go.

If you don’t want to go then don’t. if you are guilt tripped into it then just you go and leave your child at home if they don’t want to visit. Use the physical distance between you to create more emotional distance as well as it doesn’t sound like you get much from the relationship.

Just don’t go! It’s unfortunate she’s choosing to push away family by doing things like commenting on weight/picking fights, but she is. No one is ‘owed’ a visit, you go if you want to go. And you don’t.

Your mom sounds horrible. Whether she's in the US is really neither here nor there.

Being "refused to leave" due to being trans/nonbinary doesn't make any sense; why would that be the case given the current climate here in the US? It would be more likely they'd be made to leave.

Don’t go. You saw her at Christmas it’s fine.

The “kiddo” thing though. I’d reconsider that constant turn of phrase if you could.

What a bizarre question. Don’t go. Why on earth would you?? Think the border control stuff is probably rubbish but the rest is more than reason enough not to go! She’s a toxic person who picks fights and upsets your child. Plus you need a peaceful headspace to get on with being the main breadwinner. So you’re her only child - so what? She should have thought of that before being so unpleasant to you all. Actions have consequences, “sorry Mother you upset everyone at Christmas so we won’t be subjecting ourselves to more of the same in the summer.” Job done. Get on and live in peace.

🍿

You dont like your mother dont want to visit her.

So dont?

Will we get a drip feed of how you were not raised in the South and have never visited where your mother lives?

Put your child first and don’t go. She sounds like an awful bully. No way would I expose my child to someone who puts them down. The political situation is secondary to all of that.

I agree with this. All of it.

How old is kiddo?

Seriously don’t go. When once I accepted that I had no obligations with my parents, my world became peaceful. Even if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your child.

Go see your mum or don’t, it’s fine either way. You do sound unusually dramatic though, rubbing off on your son/daughter which is probably unhelpful. Might be worth considering whether some therapy would help you.

The "Kiddo" thing got annoying really quickly.

Don't go if you don't want to.

"Now she wants Kiddo and I to visit her this summer. I really don’t want to but I feel like I should as her only daughter."
She can 'want' all she likes, you're under no obligation to do what she 'wants'. From the sound of your relationship, having an ocean between you is a good thing! I'd definitely not take your child, as your mother's weight comments could result in an eating disorder. If you're feeling up to it, I'd tell her neither of you are coming and I'd tell her why (because you're just so unpleasant to us Mum and I've decided I'm not putting up with that any more).

You describe yourself as "her only daughter", do you have brothers? Do they visit? Or does she only press this onto you?

"Kiddo really doesn’t want to go because they’re afraid to go to the South, and we’re hearing that some Americans are being refused leaving the US for being trans, nonbinary, etc. I don’t blame Kiddo."
Best in the long run to nip any fear they have in the bud. Instead of leaving it at "we're hearing", maybe look into it properly, using reputable sources and not just social media scaremongering. Nobody is being refused exit, Trump has stated he wants entry visas for foreign nationals coming to the Olympics as competitors to be in their natal sex, that's all. Encourage your offspring to ascertain FACTS and not to succumb to RUMOURS.

Doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to visit whatever country she was in. She is verbally abusive to you and teases your child about weight.

Your mom is a 'difficult' woman. It wouldn't be at all unreasonable to stay away for that reason.

But the Immigration / Customs thing is OTT. As long as your child uses their American passport to enter the country nobody cares if they're LGBTQ or any other identification.

Whatever you're hearing about individuals being detained/ refused permission to leave the US sounds like nonsense. If nothing else, surely the trump issue tells you that you can't believe everything you hear?

Agree.

You seem to have a lot going on. I wonder if you think you can travel in an ordinary way without everyone knowing your gender politics. Your child can probable get through an airport without telling everyone who they want to sleep with when they are above age of consent.
Doubt anyone at airport is going to give a hoot about your kiddo. Get a grip on yourself and your family. There is literally no reason you cannot travel freely in the USA - this is all being fed to you by lefty media making you full of fear.
Its not real what “they” are telling you.

Your mum is 79 … you can decide if you care to see her next when she is dead.

If you see her once a year - you’ve got maybe 10 more visits.

They won't, as it's not an actual thing that exists