Not visit my mum in the US?

[Schylla40]

Moved here from the US 2 years ago with my British DH and my American teenage DC. It’s been a roller coaster but we’re happy to be here. Came here because I have better job opportunities in my field, I like my in-laws, and because Kiddo is biracial and non-binary, they feel much safer here. They’ve been dealing with OCD and they are on the spectrum. Plus we really dodged a bullet given who’s back in the White House!

My mum still lives in the US. More specifically, Alabama. We do not have a great relationship- she’s overly critical, was verbally abusive to me and my dad. Tries to bully everyone (even DH, who will have none it) to do what she wants, but also wants to maintain the facade that we’re a happy family.

She teases Kiddo about their weight (even after I ask her to stop several times). This results in Kiddo asking us if they’re fat several times a day, going on for several weeks afterwards.

She flew out here to spend 2 weeks with us for Christmas, and it was stressful to say the least - even though she did not stay at our house, she still managed to pick a fight with each of us!

Now she wants Kiddo and I to visit her this summer. I really don’t want to but I feel like I should as her only daughter. Kiddo really doesn’t want to go because they’re afraid to go to the South, and we’re hearing that some Americans are being refused leaving the US for being trans, nonbinary, etc. I don’t blame Kiddo.

I was really stressed and overwhelmed dealing with living here but things have settled quite a bit. But since I’m the breadwinner in my immediate family, I’m super protective of my peace and try to take extra care of myself. Being around her has rarely if ever comfortable - I’m just either stressed or unhappy the entire time. No one else in my extended family wants to deal with her - she burns bridges wherever she goes, even at age 79!

I don’t want to go but I feel I have to.

Fuck that shit. If my Mum was verbally abusive to me and had been bullying my child with fat jibes I wouldn't even go visit them if they lived in the next street, never mind another country. No, no, no.

Why are some posters here being unnecessarily nasty to the OP?

OP, regardless where in the world your mother lives, you do not need to see her. You owe her nothing considering she has behaved in an abusive manner towards you and your family.

Just tell her you can't go, end of discussion.

Omg, the use of "kiddo" made me want to vomit.

That aside, non binary isn't a thing and given their passport likely reflects correctly their sex then that shouldn't be an issue.

And assuming your child won't go around declaring to every person they meet that they're confused about biology, again, I can't see an issue.

However, your Mum sounds like a not very nice person and it's perfectly okay to refuse to go on the grounds that you don't want to expose yourself to her nonsense..

Your mum is 79 … you can decide if you care to see her next when she is dead.

If you see her once a year - you’ve got maybe 10 more visits.

That's just lovely, guilt tripping the OP into visiting her abusive mother. 🙄

Why on Earth would you visit this dreadful woman? You just saw her. She can come to you, if you’ll have her.

I would not make my child see or talk to someone so nasty- that would make the trip a punishment and that’s unfair.

A guilt visit is not a reason to go.

But if you feel you should, go alone and stay for a couple of days then leg it to NY or somewhere for a few days recovery.

Grandma can whatsapp/facetime your child, until she treats the child in a loving way.

OP is saying Kiddo so much because she’s not able to say DD/DS, or him/her.

You just saw her at Xmas. No need to visit til 2026.
Just say sorry we busy

Mumsnet bitches out in force I see 🙄
OP, you need to decide whether its worth risking exposing your child to this person, when it is clearly going to be damaging to their mental health. Go alone if you feel obliged to or speak to your Mum about her behaviour, but you need to think about your child first.

Companies are being paid to retain people - the longer they retain them, the more they are paid and little accountability as government is being gutted. I wouldn't take kiddo. If you go perhaps you can also see friends and catch up with work contacts so not just focused on her

DC would seem to affirm anything

I agree with some of the other posters that maybe if you felt compelled to go, only go for a very short visit and don't take your child with you. I don't think the problem with being NB at the airport is really a thing, but it is clear that your mom has a bad effect on your child's mental health.

I am a Brit living in the states so I am used to hearing the word "kiddo", but just fyi Brits generally hate that word so you may want to think of a different way of referring to your child while living in the UK. Or not - up to you!

Link?

Christ no, I would not. I’m not sure I’d be travelling to the US even if I had family I actually wanted to see at the moment!

I’m also American (dual national) with two dual national dc, but who are as British as British can be having lived here their whole lives. My mom sounds similar to yours in a lot of ways, with the lovely added bonus that she is married to a convicted child sexual abuser. 😩

I have gone no contact and no I wouldn’t go see her if her life depended on it, not even if she called from her death bed, especially not in the current climate (I’m not sure they’d let me in if they are actually checking people’s social media at the border for any anti-Trump sentiment). 😂 I definitely wouldn’t expose my child to being ridiculed or being somewhere where they could be at risk because of their gender identity. No thank you.

I don’t think you have to say it like that, but a simple, no I just don’t think we can swing it this year and then put a bit of distance between yourselves to protect your mental health (and your child’s).

That's ridiculous. Why would 'companies' want to 'retain' OPs child who has a US passport? And since non binary people are the same as all other people this mysterious 'company' would have no means of targeting OPs child for being non binary would they? OP and her child are clearly taken in by misinformation on the internet, you're not helping them by encouraging their fear.

Why do you need to see her again so soon? You saw her at Christmas.

If she is generally healthy and able to fly on her own, perhaps you could invite her over to the UK again.

If you feel you must go, I'd leave your DC at home and limit your trip to a week. It isn't going to be any fun, it will be a duty visit, but at least you can protect your child from her bigotry and nastiness.

Really non binary kids are being detained? Where can I find this information?

For what it's worth, I wouldn't go to the US right now if they paid me to go.

Not with President Cheeto and "Vice President" Muskrat in power.

I wouldn't go and subject 'kiddo' to abusive comments.

This would apply whether they it was 5m down the road or a transatlantic flight.

Your mother being in US and all the other border stuff is of little relevance in comparison to your mother's toxic behaviour. Irrespective of where she lives, if you dont have a good relationship with her, then that itself determines everything.

Asking out of curiosity - why would a passport not contain someone’s correct sex? What is considered as “correct sex”, is that sex assigned at birth? Can people just choose a different one when applying for a passport?

Don't go, you already know that it will be a stressful disaster, save yourself the trouble.

Tell her that you have a busy schedule this year.

You're settling in, you can visit another time.

Absolutely no need to feel guilty or compelled. She sounds bloody awful and deeply toxic to the well-being and self-esteem of your beloved DD. Just say no. I would. (But, per several other posts on other threads today, spookily, I chose to go NC with my mother when I married and had children precisely to avoid this dynamic, so I may be a little biased. I had the most wonderful in-Laws and DH, so my DDs have not missed out by her never being in their lives.)

Feck knows, the world has gone mad with the trans agenda! Can passports say their identified sex and not biological sex? Wouldn't surprise me.

Utter nonsense..