Not visit my mum in the US?

[Schylla40]

Moved here from the US 2 years ago with my British DH and my American teenage DC. It’s been a roller coaster but we’re happy to be here. Came here because I have better job opportunities in my field, I like my in-laws, and because Kiddo is biracial and non-binary, they feel much safer here. They’ve been dealing with OCD and they are on the spectrum. Plus we really dodged a bullet given who’s back in the White House!

My mum still lives in the US. More specifically, Alabama. We do not have a great relationship- she’s overly critical, was verbally abusive to me and my dad. Tries to bully everyone (even DH, who will have none it) to do what she wants, but also wants to maintain the facade that we’re a happy family.

She teases Kiddo about their weight (even after I ask her to stop several times). This results in Kiddo asking us if they’re fat several times a day, going on for several weeks afterwards.

She flew out here to spend 2 weeks with us for Christmas, and it was stressful to say the least - even though she did not stay at our house, she still managed to pick a fight with each of us!

Now she wants Kiddo and I to visit her this summer. I really don’t want to but I feel like I should as her only daughter. Kiddo really doesn’t want to go because they’re afraid to go to the South, and we’re hearing that some Americans are being refused leaving the US for being trans, nonbinary, etc. I don’t blame Kiddo.

I was really stressed and overwhelmed dealing with living here but things have settled quite a bit. But since I’m the breadwinner in my immediate family, I’m super protective of my peace and try to take extra care of myself. Being around her has rarely if ever comfortable - I’m just either stressed or unhappy the entire time. No one else in my extended family wants to deal with her - she burns bridges wherever she goes, even at age 79!

I don’t want to go but I feel I have to.

Oh how we laughed.

What do non binary people look like?

Why not seek information from someone who has personal knowledge?
but thanks very much for your helpful and erudite response.

🤦‍♀️

Yawn

Just go to the toilet for people of your sex, job done.

You're not really seeking information though, are you?

Not in the USA it's not. Women looking too "butch" get in trouble for using female toilets.

No it means people who don't identify 100% with the stereotypes of what male or female people are like - like boys like football and girls like dolls. So in reality everyone is non binary, because no one totally fits the stereotypes associated with their sex. It's just a way to be speshul and feel persecuted (and also inadvertently insult everyone else in the world who doesn't conform to stereotypes but still knows their sex).

Are people really this ignorant? Probably something like this.

Thankyou - that’s interesting.

I wouldn't worry, you can't spot non-binary or other mental health conditions from appearances only.

Is DH kiddo's father?

Oh I haven't used this one in a while: real photos of a man, a transwoman and a non binary person. Now we're all educated

Why is there so much bullying and nastiness on this thread? It’s horrible and you should be ashamed of yourselves. It doesn’t matter if you disagree with a term she’s using or find a nickname for her own child annoying.

OP your mother sounds very unpleasant to be around and actively horrible to your child. I personally wouldn’t go - she’s made her bed.

Observed

Sex is observed at birth

Everyone’s focusing on the non binary issue because it’s controversial but no one’s talking about the biracial issue. In my opinion, the answer if you genuinely want to go and it’s fear of immigration control that’s holding you back, slip a MAGA hat on your child’s head and they’ll be dandy.

OP- I live in the UK and my parents in Australia. I have a difficult relationship with my mother- although she sounds like a nicer person than yours. She is just very damaged emotionally and brought it out on me (only child) as i was growing up and so seeing her is something I find deeply stressful. I am 52, have lived out of Australia since I was 25 and find myself dreading the visits I 'have' to make as my parents are now chronically ill.

For what it is worth- these are my tips / suggestions;

1. Your first priority is to your child and to your child's well-being. That may mean you don't take them with you this time. It may mean you do take them, but you stamp bloody hard the first sign of your mother's transgression. I recommend for the first trip 'back' you don't take them
2. You don't stay with your mother. Stay somewhere else- anywhere else. You will need downtime and your own space for your own sanity
3. Decide in advance what comments you are prepared to let slide and what you are not. Pick your battles. You don't have to die on every hill that presents itself. Tune out everything you can reasonably let slide.
4. Schedule in good times - do you have a friend or two you want to see? make sure you take time out.
5. try and work out in advance what you feel comfortable with in terms of visits - timings and durations. I have done the last 2 visits without my DH or DCs. I do (roughly) 1 trip with them and 2 without.
6. If you feel you DO have to visit with your child / DH- can you go somewhere and meet in a neutral location? I find it hard being in my home town sitting around watching daytime TV as the rest of my family are itching to have their holiday. The next time we are all meeting together we are going to a tourist destination and meeting my parents there- so it is an exciting adventure for all of us.
7. Ignore the people on Mn who are fixated on the word 'kiddo'. It's a cultural and linguistic style and people are being a bit rude.
8. Know that you WILL feel a sense of guilt. I do. My relationship is not what i want, and i always leave Australia feeling flat and low and like I am failing as a daughter. After nearly 3 decades I'm not that much better at working through that- but I am doing my best.

It's hard. I'm sorry.

I wouldn't be going to the US as things are currently. Too many nasty people thinking they know what's best for the MAGA crowd. It was part of our plan for a major holiday and DH said we shouldn't risk it. Not that there's anything wild about us, perfectly normal dull people, but there's too many weirdos over there right now.

One woman looking too 'butch' was challenged about her choice of public toilet. Meanwhile, all over the rest of the US...

Based on one women being challenged about her choice of public toilet, or a lot of other incidents?

You wouldn't visit NY or Chicago or Boston or San Francisco or Portland or Seattle or a multitude of other cities with Democratic city governments?

I wouldn't go.

She's mean and disrespectful and picks fights. She fat shames your kid and she's a verbally abusive bully. If she wants people to visit, she's going to have to act like it and be the kind of person people enjoy visiting.

Add in your child not feeling comfortable and that would be a hell no bitch from me.

I'm mixed race and live in a very diverse area (NYC). You couldn't pay me to go to Alabama now and I used to live in Tx. Racism is blatant all over the place now. It's worse than it used to be.

Adding, especially no if she lives in a sundown town.

Lol, strong rebuttal.

Why would you want to put your child through that? Just for a sense of misplaced guilt?

Your Mum has made her bed. If you're fool enough to go make yourself miserable lying in it with her then that's your business but dragging your kid along isn't.

She's old enough to say no, and you should listen.