Not visit my mum in the US?

[Schylla40]

Moved here from the US 2 years ago with my British DH and my American teenage DC. It’s been a roller coaster but we’re happy to be here. Came here because I have better job opportunities in my field, I like my in-laws, and because Kiddo is biracial and non-binary, they feel much safer here. They’ve been dealing with OCD and they are on the spectrum. Plus we really dodged a bullet given who’s back in the White House!

My mum still lives in the US. More specifically, Alabama. We do not have a great relationship- she’s overly critical, was verbally abusive to me and my dad. Tries to bully everyone (even DH, who will have none it) to do what she wants, but also wants to maintain the facade that we’re a happy family.

She teases Kiddo about their weight (even after I ask her to stop several times). This results in Kiddo asking us if they’re fat several times a day, going on for several weeks afterwards.

She flew out here to spend 2 weeks with us for Christmas, and it was stressful to say the least - even though she did not stay at our house, she still managed to pick a fight with each of us!

Now she wants Kiddo and I to visit her this summer. I really don’t want to but I feel like I should as her only daughter. Kiddo really doesn’t want to go because they’re afraid to go to the South, and we’re hearing that some Americans are being refused leaving the US for being trans, nonbinary, etc. I don’t blame Kiddo.

I was really stressed and overwhelmed dealing with living here but things have settled quite a bit. But since I’m the breadwinner in my immediate family, I’m super protective of my peace and try to take extra care of myself. Being around her has rarely if ever comfortable - I’m just either stressed or unhappy the entire time. No one else in my extended family wants to deal with her - she burns bridges wherever she goes, even at age 79!

I don’t want to go but I feel I have to.

You're an adult. Don't go if you don't want to!

You go if you must, leave kiddo with DH at home.

Yes, many countries including the UK let people self identify their 'gender' on their passport as well as their driving licence, NHS records and other things. Now the US requires Americans to have their actual sex in their passport. Until very recently you could expect official ID to contain facts, not wishes but here we are.

just tell your mum that UK government have changed travel status for US and says its dangerous

I don't think you should make your child go, your mums comments are out of order and I don't think your child should be forced to deal with that. Hearing comments like that can do a lot of damage and why should they have to put up with it because she's family - you wouldn't want them to have a partner that treats them like that so it's good to model that it's OK to put boundaries in place. Re whether you go and see her or not, that's a decision for you. Don't feel like you have too. Decide what you'd like contact to be like - twice a year, once a year, online etc, shorter visits, meeting at an in between place so it's a neutral venue and you all have a bit more space etc. It's OK to not see people who make you feel rubbish.

Wow I didn’t know this. I’m shocked you can just pick whatever you want.

Agreed. Can I knock 10 years off my date of birth I wonder?

It’s not a very nice comment but it is true. Although from what the OP describes, 10 more visits sounds too many if anything.

People are not being stopped at the border for their gender identity - they are being stopped because the Trump administration no longer permit a change of sex on your passport if your sex doesn't match your GI.

If your child has a passport with their actual sex on it, not their GI, they'll be fine on that front.

The enbyphobia on here is horrible. Just because you don't understand non binary people doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Open your minds ffs.

Your child really doesn’t want to go. So that’s it. They don’t go.

Yabu simply for thinking your child's beliefs is something that border control will know.

Are they male bitches, female bitches or non binary bitches?

OP, whatever you do, please drop the “kiddo!”

Please educate us - how will border control(or anyone else) know OPs child is non binary?

"Enbyphobia". A made up word to describe a made up fear of a made up gender.

I wouldn't go to the US at all - it's far too risky now, particularly to non-binary people or anyone who doesn't conform to ultra-right wing, white supremacists' fever dreams. Stay here and keep safe.

Presumably by the way they present. It's not worth the risk.

Just ignorant ones.

Genuine question - what does non-binary actually mean?
is it the same as bisexual ie attracted to both men and women?

Can't you Google? Educate yourself?

Enbyphobia 😂😂😂😂

I’m guessing the fear is that US immigration will react badly to a young person who presents as queer through their dress, hairstyle etc. I think this is a sensible fear because in my experience US immigration can be quite intimidating and I do think they have been empowered to be more so with the new administration. Of course, there is the choice for this young person to tone down their identity presentation for the duration of the journey. In the same way that it would be very unwise to wear a Black Lives Matter t-shirt.

How does someone present as non-binary? Mixture of pink and blue clothes?

The risk of assault or arrest is high too if your child is perceived as entering the "wrong" toilet. Don't go.